Abraham Lincoln

About me:

The name is Abraham Lincoln. I'm sure you all know who I am (if you don't, you are one ignorant mother fucker who needs to skidaddle to a U.S. history class regardless of what you are doing right now). As 16th president of the United States, I abolished slavery and led a divided nation through the furnace of the Civil War. I was also assassinated by that douchebag John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre, which really sucked. But more importantly, I am the president with the most interesting fun facts about me. Read and be delighted, citizens! I was the first president to wear a beard while in office. I was also the first president to die by assassination. The contents of my pockets on the night of my assassination weren't revealed until February 12, 1976. They contained two pairs of spectacles, a chamois lens cleaner, an ivory and silver pocketknife, a large white Irish linen handkerchief, slightly used, with "A. Lincoln" embroidered in red, a gold quartz watch fob without a watch, a new silk-lined, leather wallet containing a pencil, a Confederate five-dollar bill, and news clippings of unrest in the Confederate army, emancipation in Missouri, the Union party platform of 1864, and an article on the presidency by John Bright. I have a wart on my right cheek, a scar on my thumb from an ax accident, and a scar over my right eye from a fight with a gang of thieves. (I'm hardcore, bitches!) I was the only president to receive a patent, for a device for lifting boats over shoals. I love the works of Edgar Allan Poe. My favorite sport is wrestling. Me and my beloved Mary hold seances in the White House. We have great interest in psychic phenomena. I grew my beard out of the suggestion of an 11 year old girl. My mother, Nancy Hanks Lincoln, died when the family dairy cow ate white snakeroot and she drank the milk. I had a dream right before the fall of Richmond that I would die. I dreamt that I was in the White House, then heard crying and when I found the room it was coming from I asked who had died. The man said the President. I looked in the coffin and my own face. A week later that douchebag shot me. At 6 foot, 4 inches, I am the tallest president. I wear a size 14 shoe! Beat that! ....