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WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

I explore my pain and my pleasure.

I expose my process of self-examination and transformation.

I face nerve-wracking mistakes and cherished successes.

Doing so, I become empowered.

I strip away the layers of denial.

I refuse to live anything but my AUTHENTIC LIFE.

This is me connecting to my truth.

This is how I speak, how I think, how I love.

This is how I push away the pathology I was raised into... and am surrounded by...

Life is changing very quickly in the 21st century.

Those willing to adapt just might survive...

At first I thought I'd be blogging only about orgasms. A subject I've been obsessed with and a subject many others are secretly and not so secretly obsessed with as well. It's easy to spoon out graphic juice that makes unconscious dogs salivate? But that's not why I'm here. Like Peter Guber said on SHOOT OUT, "People weren't into the movie Kinsey because intellectual sex make the masses squeamish, especially if it's not erotic in the transmission." (Not an exact quote.)

Since I'm not in a space where I'm freely exploring as I once did, nor am I partnered up yet with my potential, I've expanded the reach of my focus. NOW I'm much more CONSCIOUS and for the most part sober as I prepare my stories about that zealous search for the BIG O.

Well, I found it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From the very first time I rolled up my little hot-pink flannel happy face pillow, laid on top of it, and discovered humping... I knew I'd found something my mama never told me about. The older I got the more I learned I was supposed to hide such revelations. It wasn't proper. Nice girls didn't. All that hogwash. In my early years I knew it felt good, but I also felt frustrated when I did it. I was ashamed, embarressed, confused why I liked what I couldn't talk about. Then when I heard about the "orgasm", I thought it was poisonous, because like mercury, every time I tried to have one, it slipped away.

By the age of nineteen, I knew I wanted to write about sex. Almost right away I realized that even when I had a negative experience, a part of me felt more connected to myself; more balanced, centered, and deeply alive. I might be in conflict with the person I'd been with, but there was a stabilizing influence that my sexuality had on me. Yet, when I listened to the outside world and what I was supposed to be, I felt all skewered inside. My friend Tasha who first read my astrology chart in 1983 recently wrote, "Sexual activity comes naturally to you. It brings you blessings and transformation. Sometimes in unusual ways. Mars Mercury Jupiter and the Sun in Sagittarius in the eighth house are all opposed to your Moon in Gemini in the second house. As well, they are squared to Pluto in the 5th house of romantic love. Interesting combination. It too is squared to your Moon, so your dear little inner self has lots of conflicts around sex while eagerly running after it. Sound familiar? Hey it's all grist for the mill and every stumbling block square is intended to be polished into a stepping stone of spiritual progress. You are doing it, my dear, and make no mistake, you are climbing along just fine. Creativity is KEY to your conversion of stumbling to stepping. You Go Girl. I look forward to the day I can tune in to Oprah and see you on TV."

The orgasm unites me. Unconscious and subconscious parts rise to the surface and become conscious when I pay attention and respect the process. When I studied Political Psychology at UC Berkeley in the early 80s, I thought "Pluralistic Ignorance" and "Conflict Resolution" would be the key words in my future career. I'd been voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in both junior and senior high school. I copped out on Conflict Resolution grad school at Yale because at that time I said, "I can't resolve my own conflicts, what makes me think I can resolve anybody else's?" (I didn't want to take anymore tests!) Then when I realized that what I most wanted to succeed in was the orgasm, I thought if my parents didn't kill me, maybe the feminists would.

One of the first poems I ever wrote was about the knot in my stomach and how the harder I tried to untie it, the tighter the knot became. I've struggled all these years. Recently, with the help of a therapist, and a friend who does Cell Regeneration, and two friends of mine who study astrology: I've FINALLY untied my knots. Now I'm straightening out my strings.

I lived the search for the BIG O and I found the BIG O. All these years I've been a diary writer, obsessively trying to (give myself permission) record what I've wanted and what I've learned. At first I spoke in code. Then forever I was confused by the decision whether to make my words fiction or keep the truth humming and claim it as my own.

I know what's possible between a man and a woman. I know how to make the dynamic work. There is a way to bring great sex into a relationship and keep it alive... Common sense secrets are involved. The part of me I was most embarrassed about, is the part of me that comforts the dying, and eases the pain of birth. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it's taken me 47 years to learn this. I hope I live another 50 years so I can calmly transform the words I've already received into pieces that will peacefully heal others.

There are conscious men out there quite alive and thriving, men who secretly live to please their women. Some men even aren't so secretive about it. Some women don't take advantage of this ardent devotion and use the love received only to deepen their capacity to radiate healing and beauty.

I seek ultimate honesty, soulfullness, connectedness...

WELCOME TO MY WORLD. ..

I've been deep in solitude these last two years while writing my book. After being very people oriented most my life, this has been a big change for me. I don't write well when I'm too fragmented with the speed most rush to succeed, or too distracted by the noisy cacophony of modern life. Since August 2006, when my brother created this page for me, I've been encouraged by the incredibly warm and mature MYSPACE community of artists, healers, and seekers.... THANK YOU.

I'm not selling product. I'm not going to set up platforms on which to sell millions of books. I'm going to keep writing. If Goddess wants me out there, she'll wiggle her finger at me and send a ride.

Right now I'm just sticking my toes in the water. When I was a kid my dad said, "You are reticent." I thought he was criticizing me with a big word. Now I understand my reluctance and am not ashamed of this personality flaw.

I'm curious whether what I say offends people or if it encourages them, while squirming in their possible discomfort with my emotionally revealing honesty; to think, feel and reflect on their own choices.

Even though my orgasmic enjoyment takes a back seat right now (very unfortunate!), I know full well I'm more than capable of orgasming morning, noon and night... if I so wish, or if I so need. All by myself without apology. I don't NEED any one else to explore MY orgasms... though when two tangle it's definitely a tastier, more exuberant experience.

I've found with my finger on the button, all difficulties are easier to face.

I've enjoyed a decade-long sexfriendship with a local architect that provided many buoyant benefits along with three hours of orgasms per session. I'm optimistic about my future. Just like a woman, I want more than just great sex with a good friend... I know some men are fully capable of love... and as I love myself more and more I'll soon psychologically attract that deep, healthy relationship with a fully-functioning individual. As I elevate myself, I'll meet others dancing in their own emotional attics, ecstatically enjoying the view from their spiritual penthouse post.

But for now, it's me, Rocco, and Mr. Hitachi!

If you find what I'm writing appealing please stop by.

Say hi, send pictures, be my friend. If your computer doesn't have spellcheck, please explain why??? Otherwise I won't respond.

Sisters on this site, honestly revealing your core truths, expressing your essential desires, and living your complete identity... give me a sign of solidarity .

All human beings, no longer willing to settle for the small vision of what we're supposed to be... shout it out!

Stand up if you're no longer willing to offer the world only what that world expects from you.

Some men think some women are crazy, but that's only because they don't understand what we don't make easy for them to understand. If we can't cherish ourselves, how can we ever expect men to cherish us? Very few of us are really cut-out to raise kids... That's the big myth. We have so many other skills and abilities that get overlooked as we repeat the process and routine involved in raising the youth right. The ones who want to raise kids should absolutely be supported, adored, respected. They are heroes... Women and men that don't want to do it, shouldn't be criticized or made to feel that they aren't fulfilling their destiny. The question isn't abortion or pro-life, it's about conscious reproduction. Only the women that really want to do it should do it. Only the men that want children for the right reasons, should be granted access. Only the children that will be completely cherished should be here. We don't need more crippled people who wish to cripple others because they didn't get everything they needed.

As women change, men change.

It's happened throughout herstory and history.

None of us really want to be a machine, a robot, an automaton, a Stepford zombie... compliant to external forces but empty within.

I want to meet women who are fascinated by the depth and breadth of their capacity to love, consciously breathing in their vibrancy, compassionately exhaling their authentic zest for giving birth every day in every way. I'll hoist that flag up, but no one is pressured to sing an anthem.

I respect men who love what they do (not unconscious workaholics). I seek a man who has time, energy and space to cherish me. I hope like Didion and Dunne, we'll peacefully travel the world finishing each other's sentences. Ambient music, meaningful movies, I prefer nonfiction to fiction. I focus on flowing endorphins, good hygiene, conscientious spelling, clarity. I'm seduced by Stargazer lilies, Kalamata olives and solid bites of mind-blowing chocolate. I'm healthy, articulate, and creative and I seek same in the SoulMan I wish for and will penetrate forever.