The Exclusive Brethren's Blog
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Technical Bulletin
We Exclusive Brethren have some difficulties with technology. We don't like cellphones, we believe iPods to be an instrument of Satan and we have yet to decide whether the Segway can be used in accordance with the Book of Leviticus. We keep a long and growing list of heretical gizmos, which includes: tamagotchi, Sega Mega Drives, robot dogs, theremins, anything made by Moulinex, laser death-rays, stereo and electric guitars. There is not much that buzzes or glows which we would accept.
Fortunately for you, we are relaxing our views about electronic computational devices; otherwise we would not be able to bring you these messages and such inspiring songs of praise as Depeche Mode's "John the Revelator." But, on the whole, we tend to think new-fangled gadgets to be a bad thing.
Then we read about some research being done by atheists (by which we mean scientists) at Duke University. It seems these clever but Godless boffins are working on a "cloak of invisibility,' a thing which will conceal objects from prying eyes. We quivered in anticipation at the thought of such a device. With it we could make our meeting houses invisible, so nobody would be able to find us. Better still, if we made ourselves invisible, we could go about our vitally important work in the community without fear of criticism by infidels.
Regrettably, Duke University is a Methodist institution, run by heretics and purveyors of False Doctrine, so the device may fall into the wrong hands. Worse still, it may fall into Error. -
Doctrinal Instructions
We have had recourse previously to admonish our readers to avoid the musings of Mr Russell Brown, the writer and commentator. To our grave disappointment, Mr Brown has recently written a column in The New Zealand Listener which mentions this Myspace profile. He alleges that our intentions are satirical. Worse still, he claims that our readers include fellow scribblers, homosexualists and (most scandalously of all) a Papist. He goes on to claim that other Mspace profiles, including those of our friends Dr Brash and Spiky Red Thing, are the work of imposters.
We implore you not to read these base calumnies.
We also understand that Mr Brown was interviewed on the wireless today by Miss Kim Hill, a woman known to be almost as evil as Miss Helen Clark. Apparently, this discussion is available as a podcast, whatever that might be. -
Fundamentalism, Digitally Remastered
Brethren (and Sisters)
The launch of the Exclusive Brethren on Myspace has created a lot of interest and a little confusion. Look at this blog on Geekzone and you will see what we mean. Some people just don't think we are real.
We think it is time we explained where we are coming from, as you kids say these days. You see, our involvement in the General Election made a big impact in the media. We were not ready for this sort of attention. After all, we are Exclusive; we don't get out that much. It was all a bit confusing.
So we went to professionals, to media advisers, brand managers, ad men. You could say it was the men in the open-necked shirts meeting the men in the turtle-necks. They did some media analysis, ran some focus groups and had a lot of meetings in bars, for which they billed us. Then they put it all together and came up with a media strategy.
Its all about synergy, apparently; and brand awareness. We didn't know what they were talking about, so they showed us some diagrams, which didn't help either. So we poured them a few drinks and asked them to tell it straight. In short they told us to loosen up: to get hip, get savvy and get with the kids. Its the 21st Century: the Exclusive Brethren need to be Virtual Brethren.
They told us to think online. They told us to get on Myspace.
So here we are.
A few folks have said we shouldn't be doing this, because we are forbidden to use computers. Look, we are forbidden to vote as well, but that didn't stop us.
Keep it real, Brothers
Yours,
The Exclusive Brethren8:44 AM-
Post a comment...
- David Southee2 years agoIt is about time that the world woke up to the truth that we are living in a time of crises.Maybe the Bretheren are on the write road to the kingdom of God.There idears amd values are to be commended not riderculled by unbeleavers.God will come as sure as day turns to day,and many will lose their salvation if they continue in their depraved life styles.Many of the Bretheren values are to be commended and up held.Let us all move closer to the Rock of ages and take our direction from the man in Glory.The good news of salvation to all mankind ia only offered once.As christians,we are told to STAY AWAY FROM THE WORLD and have nothing to do with it as we are only pilgrims passing through.
David... - poundito5 years ago
Now I'm a bit confused - I thought the EB couldn't wear ties - - the open neck business.
But in the arrticle I read with the Australian head honche he was rocking a neck noose.
I mean I'm all for your absolutism - I can't get enough of rigid ancient idea-sets that are meant to be the answer for everything yet to be discovered - but let's have some consistency hmmmmmm?- The Exclusive Brethren5 years ago
Yes, serpents; come to think of it, you're right. Besides, they are really difficult to do up and you can never find one which goes with what you are wearing. We are better off without them.
- Faith young5 years ago
I always thought that the tie being a sepentant like representation it would be perfectly obviuos why you don't wear them.... ties are serpents... serpents represent the devil... so therefore ties are the Mark of the Beast & all tie wearers must therefore be satanists.
Sorry I'm a girl I should be in the kitchen with my 10 kids not ranting on myspace.
Much apologies I'll do an extra penance.
- Plebeian5 years ago
These men are not wearing ties.
They are drinking. Could they still join?
And what if they were about to have sex? - The Exclusive Brethren5 years ago
Menswear is a complex theological issue. Finding guidance from the Bible is difficult, since nobody wore ties then. To tell you the truth, we are not really sure why we don't wear them.
- Russell5 years ago
The behaviour of those Geek people rather validates your attitude towards technology, don't you think?
I hear one of them is from Finland, where they worship Odin and drink blood. You know that Finnish homosexual heavy metal band that won the Eurovision? They all look like that there, even the little babies. It's shocking.- The Exclusive Brethren5 years ago
We have never been to Finland but we are not surprised. They do seem to enjoy saunas, which are probably sinful in a hot, steamy sort of way. We also understand that they make mobile telephones, which young people use for "texting" and "toothing," which leads to sin. Finland also has Social Democracy and a welfare state, which are proven causes of Communism.
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Unwelcome Attention
We are sorely troubled that our new Myspace profile has been mentioned on Mr Russell Brown's very popular Public Address "blog". We do not read this "blog," which is far too worldly for true Christians, but we understand Mr Brown is one of those people who spend more time than they should in coffee bars.
We shall seek the Lord's guidance about this matter.
To good to not be heretical.