The Dave

Who I'd like to meet:

Name: David "Mind the Gap" Clare

Birthday: 26/05/1980

Birthplace: Southport

Current Location: Approaching from the shadows

Eye Color: Cape Cod

Hair Color: Like a unpopular circus.

Height: 5"10//

Right Handed or Left Handed: the spidery touch of the infected sailor

Your Heritage: over 40 years of evolution, from the primitive big-faced lizards that ruled the earth to present-day Pinnochio.

The Shoes You Wore Today: Hen-shaped shoes.

Your Weakness: my traditional soft toy shop selling victorian Golliwog toys doesn't do the business it used to. And I don't know why. I can't for the life of me think why.

Your Fears: Dying and going to heaven, and it is just like Calista Flockheart's chest. All ribs and angles.

Your Perfect Pizza: Stop-gap Pizza

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Announcing bad news to the already bereaved.

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "Rocky and Bullwinkle! I've had it up to here (gesture towards high water mark) with bloody Rocky and Bullwinkle!"

Thoughts First Waking Up: "Where did I leave my satchel? It contains important documents.

Your Best Physical Feature: My flat-pack arms

Your Bedtime: When grandmother retires to her chamber.

Your Most Missed Memory: I actually enjoyed being on trial for sedition in 1689. I know there were some people who complained about the conditions in the Tower of London, but I found the people there very accommodating and welcoming. I said as much in the Guest Book at the time.

Pepsi or Coke: Neither can resolve the turmoil seething away in my mind and brain and head.

MacDonalds or Burger King: Meat is murder! That's why I love it.

Single or Group Dates: When you get to my age you learn that when a woman invites you in for coffee what she really wants to do is kick your legs off.

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I don't know, but from the look on your face, I've got the feeling you're about to tell me...

Chocolate or Vanilla: Not bothered. Ice-cream just leaves me cold. Hahahahaha! How terribly droll...

Cappuccino or Coffee: Both are a calculated risk

Do you Smoke: I'm not very good it. I always end up breathing in smoke.

Do you Swear: Yes. But you can't hear me when I'm in the decompression chamber. What on earth am I do doing there, you ask? I will tell you: swearing.

Do you Sing: I'm not very good at it. I always end up breathing in smoke.

Do you Shower Daily: I'd like to answer that with a question. How do you feel when you open a packet of crisps and it's upside-down? You opened the wrong end didn't you? Doesn't feel quite right does it?

Have you Been in Love: I would find it easier to answer that question if you hadn't handcuffed me first.

Do you want to go to College: yes, to study a Masters in "Blitzkreig Haircuts: From the Euphoria of the Calcutta Project 1922 to the Despair of 'Domestic Silence', 1989"

Do you want to get Married: I wouldn't, but you went and knocked me up.

Do you believe in yourself: Ontologically speaking - no. Epistemologically speaking - no. Speaking as a mother - hell yeah.

Do you get Motion Sickness: Who doesn't in these turbulent times?

Are you a Health Freak: I excercise my dispersables, my yabs and my diurnal 'zoids.

Do you get along with your parents: I worked with them during my child development years. I was ultimately not impressed. They remind me of the lost Incan and Aztec civilizations: they were initially powerful and sophisticated, then they declined; they lost influence, and finally they kind of collapsed and nobody really knows why.

Do you like Thunderstorms: Oh, yes. You can calculate how far away the storm is by counting the time between lightning and thunder. Currently the storm is 489,667 miles away.

Do you play a musical instrument: The Bagwipes

In the past month have you Smoked: Like dereliction of duty is coming back into fashion.

In the past month have you been on Drugs: Do pop-tarts count? They quite literally are so hot they are cool. Literally. Hot. And simultaneously cool. Sounds like a dichotomy, I know. But for once the promotion was accurate. Hot. And yet cool. Hot... cool...

In the past month have you gone on a Date: I have the abnormal discharge to prove it.

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes. I went to a mall. I went to a big mall alone. It was intensely sad. Where were you when I went to this big, sad mall? I'll tell you where! Eating Black Jacks in Falmouth, and showing your black tongue to strangers.

In the past month have you eaten Oreos: I saw a cocker spaniel eating the fragile bones of a dead bird once.

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: At the "Thousand Yard Stare" restaurant

In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes, I performed Osborne's 1959 play "Pale and Trembling Midlands".

In the past month have you been Dumped: I don't know where I stand. Donatella Versace doesn't answer the phone when I call. I spell her name with the letters on the keypad to dial, but she won't answer. I don't understand it.

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Artifacts from the Bishop to sell in his garden while he's watching.

Ever been Drunk: Yes, in my major label days.

Ever been called a Tease: I teased Sad Sack off Raggy Dolls about his depression. He killed himself. The coroner said he had nearly cut his own hands off at the wrists, his stomach was full of alchohol and drugs, and he had hanged himself. I still maintain it was a cry for help. Back to Front was also too sensitive, if you ask me. Back facing bastard. Looking at things behind him, and things in the past. Move on.

Ever been beaten up: Yes, by the Dalai Lama. Don't disagree with that guy! Looking back, perhaps I shouldn't have said he could shove Tibet up his arse...

Ever Shoplifted: When I was a human beat-box I did some crazy things.

How do you want to Die: With regret and fear of the gathering darkness...

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Diminished but dignified. Oh, and as gay as the Ace of Spades.

What country would you most like to Visit: Slackland