Haircut's Blog
-
Five Things to Try.
A while ago I was reading a news article about a guy that really likes cars. Actually, he more than likes them, he loves them. It's called mechaniphilia. That's right, somehow this guy manages to have sex with cars. I'm not quite sure how it's done, but it's still pretty hilarious. If you think that's disturbing, I found another article about the top five strangest paraphilias out there. I had high hopes that I would soon be cleaning up the tons of vomit I'd spew after reading. Unfortunately, I was disappointed. The five fetishes listed were rather mild. Doraphilia is old news in cyberspace, and who doesn't have sthenolagnia? I knew there were people who were into way more disturbing things. That's when I decided to create my own list.
5. Anthropophagolagnia: This is a delightful one. If you have this fetish, your fridge is probably packed full of human body parts. You rape, kill, then eat your victims. The rape must be done before the murder, otherwise it doesn't count as anthropophagolagnia. Making lampshades from the skin is optional.
4. Vorarephilia: I'm sure you've all heard of this. It's growing fast in popularity. Vorephiles get sexual gratification from the thought of being eaten, preferably alive. This is more fantasy than reality, however, I'm sure the day will come when you hear of somebody who was eaten by a giant snake because they "accidentally" fell into the anaconda cage at the zoo. After seeing the movie Jurassic Park, I used to say, "Being eaten by a dinosaur is the coolest way to die." Now I had to rethink that. Vore is not to be confused with Autophagy: Sexual pleasure from eating your own flesh.
3. Unbirthing: I don't even want to type a description for this one. Use your imaginations.
2. Oculolinctus: Eyeball licking. I'm sure a few of you reading this have heard about a girl from a small town called Gleason, WI who liked to lick eyeballs. Perhaps you have even had your own eyeball licked by her. She puts the "lol" in oculolinctus. Still, licking eyeballs is pretty screwed up. I can't figure out what people see in it. I guess I shouldn't knock it until I try it.
1. Crush: Do you enjoy squashing spiders? Do you get a sexual thrill from swatting flies? When you see a squirrel crossing the street, do you intentionally swerve your car to hit it? If so, you've got a crush fetish. Sexual pleasure from crushing insects or small animals.
I used to frequent an online confession site called GroupHug. People would anonymously type horrifying things about themselves for the whole internet to see. You could read confessions for hours upon hours and get some damn good laughs about other people's lives. True or not, they were still pretty funny. Now GroupHug is overrun with obnoxious kids complaining about "how much I still love my ex" or "I love him/her so much but I'm too embarrassed to say anything." or "I hate everything. Nobody understands me." Damnit I hate kids. Nobody cares about their raging hormones and daffy emotions. Scientists can create emotions in a labratory, I'm sure they can get rid of them also. It's basically just lowering the seratonin levels in your brain. Seratonin, yeah, isn't that what's in mushrooms? No wonder hippies are all about love and crap. Damnit I hate hippies. Let's just give every one a lobotomy. I'm ranting. So one night I was browsing through some confessions and found one about a guy with a liking for Crush. He had no idea that Crush was documented fetish. As far as he knew, he was the most disturbed individual on the planet. He couldn't figure out why, but for some reason whenever he saw a woman smush an insect with her foot, tingles would run up and down his spine, and if she was barefoot, oh my gosh, he'd practically lose control. He absolutely loved it. One day he caught several cockroaches and brought them to the office building where he worked. He then set them free in hopes of seeing a female coworker squashing one. Well, things didn't exactly go as planned. Instead, the building was closed down for a couple of days and fumigated. -
Don't Go into the Woods.
Over the past five years or so, I realized I've typed little to nothing about everybody's favorite cryptid, the werewolf. Since most of you reading this are in Wisconsin, you should probably know just about everything there is to know about the scary beasts. Afterall, Wisconsin is their native territory. It's also the land of your favorite werewolf enthusiast, Linda S. Godfrey. That's right, Linda has written oodles and oodles of books on the subject. Apparently she's completely obsessed. If it weren't for her, the legend of Bray Road would have died out long ago. Bray Road in Elkhorn isn't the only place werewolves roam. tons of sightings have been reported all over the state. The claims are rarely taken seriously. The witnesses were probably under the influence of alcohol since this is wisconsin and everyone here is either a red-neck or depressed. Either way, you have reason to be drunk 24/7.
More and more reports keep pouring in year after year. There may have even been a couple near you. Next time you're in the woods, walk with caution. Werewolves would explain some of the missing person reports around here, and a lot of the snowmobile deaths. There have already been about 20 snowmobiler deaths in Wisconsin this year and it's only January 12th. If I had to spit out a number, I'd say about half of those are werewolf related.
Personally, I've never seen a wolfman in real life. Although I always keep my eyes peeled whenever I'm driving down a lonely road in the dark early morning hours. There was a time I thought I saw one sitting at the side of a road, but it just turned out to be a trash bag. Sightings have occured in my area. Actually, only one that I know of. I think it was 2001, a couple driving down Hwy 51 between Merrill and Wausau reported seeing a bi-pedal wolf-like creature cross the road in front of their car. It wasn't much, no amazing story about how their vehicle was ripped to shreds and they managed to escape with most of their limbs. Just, "We saw this thing and didn't know what it was." There was a really cool report in 2007 made by some guy near...I think Green Bay. He worked as one of those guys that goes around picking up road kill, right? So one morning he was out doing his thing and stopped to scoop up a deer. After the carcass was in his truck bed, he hopped in the seat to drive off. Just then he heard a big thud in the back. He turned around and saw this giant wolf creature yanking out the deer from the truck. It goes into pretty good detail. You can read about it on Linda's website along with a bunch other reports.
Alright folks, be sure to check out the remake of The Wolfman. In theaters this year. It will be awesome. There was also supposed to be a Bray Road Beast movie in the making, but that was a long time ago, I haven't heard anything about that in a while. You can ignore all of those other crappy movies currently in theaters. They're pretty much all directed at kids. Underworld 3, and that other vampire/werewolf movie. I don't remember the name of it, but the previews really annoyed me. All the vampires looked as if they were only 15-16 years old. Who the hell wants to go see a movie about a bunch of annoying teenagers sucking each other's necks?
Beast of Bray Road Home Page; Manwolf, Werewolf, Manimal, Dog Man, Manbeast, Bigfoot, Man Bat, Lima Marsh Monster -
Fun with Mad Science.
Do you remember those spooky stories you used to hear while sitting around a campfire? No? Well, how about any spooky stories? More in particular the spooky stories that ended with something like, "...and they never saw him again." or "...to this day his headless body still roams these woods." The type of ending that leads you to believe there might be a small chance it's a true story. Get real, right? Who would believe that a blood covered woman will jump out of your bathroom mirror and strangle you late at night, or that a hook man is lurking just outside of your car waiting to scare your socks off? Those stories are far too outrageous to have even the smallest bit of truth. Or maybe not. About ten years ago or so, I heard a spooky story with a similar ending. Right now I would love to start telling you the story, but it's been so long I can only remember small parts. In a nutshell, it's about a mad scientist who would perform amazing head transplants and create two-headed Frankenstein-type monsters. How absurd, right? Head transplants? Two-headed monsters? Simply impossible. Nonetheless, this story was very intriguing. It stuck in my head for quite a while. One day, after computers were invented, I decided to do a search on mad scientists and two-headed dogs. I found one brief article about a man in the early 20th century that would practice such wacky experiments. It wasn't much, but it was enough to make me consider the possibility that the story I heard was based on some sort of truth. After that, I would often times bring up two-headed dogs in everyday casual conversation. Obviously nobody believed a word of it. They shrugged it off as one of my retarded stories or a crazy conspiracy theory. After a while I had forgotten all about it. Then, the new X-files movie came out. Okay, I know it's the X-files, and it's not real, but the writers do an amazing amount of research in order to obtain ideas for the show. Plenty of episodes and scenes have a striking resemblance to real life police reports, or articles and stories written by some crazy man. Well, the new movie that came out had pretty much the same plot as the story I heard about ten years ago. It was cool. After I was done freaking out about all this, I decided to, again, do a bit of digging around in the ol' intertubes. I found a bunch more stuff this time...
Your lesson today will be on a man named Vladimir Demihkov. Yeah, he's a mad scientist. He experimented with reanimation, severed heads and things like that. In 1906 he created the worlds first two-headed dog. In fact he created a bunch of them. And yes, they survived. At least for a month or so. They eventually died from tissue rejection. Still that's pretty freaking cool. Imagine a big old rottweiler with a little cocker spaniel head attached to its neck.
Later on in that century another crazy scientist named Robert White continued on with Vlad's work. Only this time with monkeys. Since monkeys make everything better, White was more succesful in his work. He took a bunch of monkeys and switched around their heads and bodies. Complete head transplants. Not only did they survive the procedure, there was no tissue rejection. Unfortunately, due to the fact the spinal cord can't regenerate, the monkeys were now quadriplegic.
There are all sorts of amazing things that have gone on throughout history in the name of science. Too bad it's now considered morally wrong or simply crazy. Imagine how advanced our medical technology would be today if these experiments were continued. There was a successful head transplant over a hundred years ago for pete's sake. Come on!
I strongly recommend you to read up on mad science. Not only is there a bunch more neato information about reanimantion, there's also oodles of info about other really cool crazy experiments, but don't take my word for it. -
Lost Snake
Hey idiots, for those of you that don't know, I'm back. Also, for those of you that don't know, I left.
Here's something for you to enjoy....
I printed these up and started putting them up on random bulletin boards around town. It's stupid and great. It's streat.
you would be such a pretty lampshade
I work with a one-legged transexual Doraphile...or so I've heard. I guess this is how rumors get started...?
What's the opposite of Crush? I think I might have that...it makes me frighteningly joyous to watch bees that I've saved from windowsills flying off into the great blue yonder. I guess it doesn't turn me on, though, so never mind, I guess.