Current mood:angryI'm not having a very good morning so far. It had the possibility of being very good, but no. it had to be shitty and make me mad. I woke up at 7 to a cacophony outside my window. A thunderstorm was raging. I love that analogy in the Hobbit when they are crossing the Misty Mountains and they discribe a thunderstorm as the Giants of the Mountains having a rock fight. It sounded like a horrific car crash from 10 feet away. I lay there and thought... do i actually have to go out in this? But i have an 8 o'clock class, which, i can only miss three days without penalty all semester and i've already missed two. if there was any day i should have missed class it would have been this one, but i wanted to leave a buffer in case i ever sleep through my alarm, as has been known to happen. so i get up, get ready, get in the car. i decided it would probably be a rather bad idea to take the interstate today where hydroplaning and dumbasses would no doubt abound. so i go through the half flooded streets of red bank and north chatt, barely able to see the cars around me through the driving rain. i get to school. i walk all the way across campus to my first class in the pouring rain. i am hot from my walk. i am soaked from the waist down. i am hungry and slightly hungover. i get into class and find out there has been a TORNADO warning. because of this the teacher decides to not take role, because it WOULDN'T BE FAIR to the people who didn't come. so i speak up... "how bout some extra credit for the people who did come" remembering last week when she gave extra credit to the people who weren't late the day i had to scrape the ice off my car... nope. it wouldn't be fair to my classmates. WHAT THE FUCK?! grrr.... so yeah, yesterday something happened that pissed me off even more then what just happened. i have lost all faith in the people who surround me. obviously, it's been raining alot lately, so the ground was really wet. i was walking to one of my classes, crossing a major walkway through campus. it was class-change so there were alot of people out. i stepped on a manhole cover, slipped on the slick metal and fell down. it hurt and momentarily i had the reaction that most would in the sitaution. "shit. i fell down in front of all these people!" but then i said fuck it, whatever. i cursed, stood up, brushed myself off and started to walk away. then i realized something. there were about 30 people in a close radius to myself. people surrounded me. no one stopped to help. no one paused and said "are you ok?" i fell down right in front of a motherfucker walking up the hill, and that CUNT walked AROUND me!!!! what the hell is happening to us when we see someone fall the fuck down and don't even react? i'm not saying me busting my ass is the biggest deal in the world or that i don't do it all the time, but the lack of reaction is really getting to me. do i not exist to you?
i love the wind. it's really windy today.
i think wind, strong wind, subtle wind, can bring out something special in each of us. what that something is can be surprising, but usually isn't. i was working earlier tonight, sitting, writing at my desk by the window as i am now. whitendale, my residence hall, makes a rather unique wind-tunnel, that can turn out some pretty crazy currents. a few girls were passing under my room wen it started to blow, blow hard, exhiliratingly hard. they squealed and shivered and i'm sure their hearts beat faster as the wind tossed about their hair, short hair, long hair, it doesn't matter. when you fell that wind slide its silken fingers through your tendrils.... maybe i notice it more because i have such an abundance of said filaments, it feels like a wonderful massage and makes me quiver. it makes me wild.
wind makes me think of flying kites in the YMCA park junior year of high school with all my friends who are now scattered all over the globe. chelsea and i were the best at it. to feel the tug, while the wind whipped about your hair so hard you could barely see through it, as it climbed higher and higher.
wind makes me think of open, blooming heather filled moor. it makes me think of rushing clouds and sleeping valleys. i watched them sleep while buffeted with nature's irritations. she is not furious, but restless.
it is fresh, it is exhilerating. it is wild and carefree.
i haven't done one of these in a while. it's strange to me, because writing used to be and still is really important to me. i write all the time, but i don't write things like this. back when i was in high school though, that's all i fucking did, read and write all day, i've still got, i don't know how many.... maybe 7 or 8 spiral notebooks stuck in a drawer somewhere that are the transcript of my youth, nothing would happen without me writing about it. i remember, i really started with it all one day.... it was very early spring, outside was cold and rainy, overcast (much like it is here all the time) i like those kinds of days. especially when you don't have to go out in them. one of my favorite places to be is curled up in bed with a book and a mug of hot chocolate while a storm rages or whines outside. this particular day, i was not happy. in fact, i was unhappy. strangely enough, i was not miserable. that still confuses me to this day. i should have been miserable, i had every right to be miserable (excepting of course my comfortable circumstances). i was 13 and i had just found out that my boyfriend had fucked my best friend. i think more then anything i was confused. why would either of them want to do such a thing? i wasn't angry for the right reasons. i was angry not because i had been betrayed but because of their actions i couldn't hang out with or like them anymore, in one fell swoop they had left me bereft of boyfriend and best friend. i don't think at that age i really had any understanding of the impact of certain other aspects of the situation. they "did it". what did that even mean to me?
so here i am, confused, lonely, curled up on my virginal twin, staring at the ceiling. i remembered a journal my mom had given me several years before, it was beside my bed. there was a cat on the front. in the first few pages, in my childs writing i had scrawled my name and address, you know, just in case i ever lost it. *shrug* don't ask me. i opened it and began. i never really stopped. i filled 50 little girl journal pages in that day. something that filled me with great pride at the time. in contrast, i just turned in a 17 page paper on Stalin's efforts to control criticisms of his polices during the cultural revolution in the soviet union.
i don't write about my life anymore. i write about other peoples'. i guess i'm ok witht hat, but every now and then you need a break. you need to be selfish, and talk talk talk to let it out. that's what i was doing that first day. i was lancing a boil. letting out the poisin that i couldn't hold in any longer.
so anyway, that was a bit left field, eh?
it's been a strange weekend.
on thursday i went to a house party. i had a really great time. lots of really interesting people. i think i like houseparties a whole hell of a lot better then going out. i mean, i like to dance and all, but i HATE the screaming over the music and all that communicating in sign language. that's why i like pubs so much more, but more about that in a minute. it's so funny to me that we go to all kinds of international parties. that night was a "french" party, all that means is taht the person throwing the party is french, or that french was the dominate nationality. but there were so many other types of people there!! americans, spanish, dutch, denmarkian?, polish, hungarian, etc. i love that i came to england and i've met more people from crazy cool random countries, first of all then i have english people, and second of all, far more then i ever could have at home. i love it. anyway, we were crazy, it was fabulous. my favorite conversation of the night: i was talking to a really cool polish guy about how many times poland has been royally fucked, and why they hate everyone of their neighbors. my favorite antic of the night: it's a tie between robert spanking abi with a shovel, and four or five people shimmying up the walls in the narrow ass hallways. last night wasn't so great. we went to another house party, this one was much farther away. o, and it was a "spanish" party. it was also a "tiny fuckng house". there was NO fucking room! you could barely walk!! seriously, not exagerating, absolutely ridiculous. so we escaped outside to smoke and talk in peace without everyone haveing to rub up against everyone else. course if we had done that we'd have been a lot warmer. it was cold as balls!! we had an ok time in what they call a back yard over here, which is really just a cement patio with really high walls. kinda makes you feel like your in a prison. after a while it just became too much however, and when abi and them suggested we go to lava, which is a club in the town center, i agreed. bad idea, not that i was having o such a great time at the party, but lava was absolute shit. when we went out on the dance floor, we were, like, the only girls. the four of us are dancing together, and there is a fucking ring of creepy ass british guys surrounding us, watching us dance. talk about CRRREEE-PPY!!! so i said fuck this after a while. peace out ya'll. it was about two in the morning, so i decided to head on down to the old dog, which is a lovely little pub, which is right next to PR1 and warehouse, the two places in town that play good music, warehouse gets out at two, and so everyone always goes from there to the old dog. so i went in got a pint, headed out to the beer garden, and ended up having some pretty cool conversations, first with some metal dudes from manchester, and the rest of the night i spent talking with an english biker gang. those were some cool motherfuckers. some where just alittle older then me, but most were old, griseled, and drunk as lords. very polite tho. i guess that's the difference between english bikers, and american bikers. once they found out i was american they made a lotta cracks about harleys an shit. and about 4 in the morning i got to walk all the way back to uni by myself, because the friends i've made here are.... nice, but god they have shitty taste in music, i guess we just like different kinds of nights too. although sometimes i'm all about going out and dancing and having a great time, i just wasn't feeling it last night, so i went of and did my own thing. and i'm really glad i did.
p.s. my ipod broke and i'm fucking miserable without any music.
i'm so freaking bored. all my friends are in amsterdam this weekend, and i should totally be doing homework, but guess what. i'm not. it's been a totally chill day, i've just been laying about and reading. i started a new scarf and i think it's gonna be real cool. last night was fun. we went to a club i've been hearing a lot about, the warehouse, any time i ask cool people who listen to good music (because most of the music is total shit here) where a good club to go to is, they say the warehouse. it lived up to the hype. it was dirty small and dingy, and totally rockin. i went with my friend lora from my crime class, she's british and apparently goes there all the time, so she showed us the way, it was down some crazy alley, never would have found it by myself. also, my friends emily and meredith came, emily is from california and mer is from connetticut. both of them are pretty squeky clean. also, some weird guy from australia came whose friends with emily's roommate greggers, greggers is cool and he showed up late in the night. anyway when we got there, there's three levels of this place, the first level was real indie, the second level was emo and good stuff, and the third was metal, but we didn't know this til we got there, and i said 'hey guys lets check them all out' once mer and emily got the third floor, they turned slowly to look at me in horror as if to say 'becca what the fuck did you bring us to?' i thought it was rather nice, and no doubt i'll go back without them some time. we just spent our time on the second floor dancing and thrashing about. it was nice to be around some familar fashion and music if not faces. we had a real good time, got a bit smashed. my favorite was when they inexplicably played baby got back, and me and emily were the only ones who knew the words, and people gave us weird looks.
last wednesday was really fun too. we went out to browns. which is an american style hiphop club. but they're british and even though they're trying to be cool, they still can't get it right. anyway, it's a nice enough place, and you don't have to hear the fucking spice girls there. so wednesday, a big group of people decided to go down. but first we partied hearty out in the quad. its kind of funny at gatherings like these (because they happen often) usually it's all international students. a bunch of the rowdy ass spanish, and some of the crazy germans, and of couse most of the americans are there too. it helps that we all live in the same residence hall. anyway, there are hardly ever any british people at these events. not because they're not welcome though. in fact, when we were all hanging out, i saw some of my british friends walking past and i had them come over and hang out. but i could tell they were really uncomfortable. they kept making jokes about how they were outsiders in their own country. i felt kinda bad. it would probalby have been a bit better if it'd been later in the night, therefore they would have been a lot drunker (cuz that's what they do) and probably would have found it easier to mingle. anyway, me, megs (she's my girl from canada), rachel (my roommate from connetticut), and demetri (some guy rachel likes from greece) went up to rachel's room to smoke. i love having a roommate who smokes, mainly because she's sometimes nice enough to include me, but also because i love how it makes the flat smell, even though that makes me a bit nervous. i just love the smell of weed. it smells of home. anyway, i was blazed when i came out and we were all ready to walk up to browns. then, up runs abby, my best friend here, looking frantic as fuck. she grabs me, yelling at the others that she had to pee, and to go on without us. and she drags me upstairs. turns out she really had to pee, but also she was absolutely furious and the guy she has a crush on, apparently he'd been flirting HARD with her all night, and then upcomes his girlfriend. she was fucking livid. she ranted and raved all the way to browns. but i got her there, got a few drinks in her and ordered her out onto the dance floor, cuz i knew it would make her feel about 200x better. which it did, she was back to her bubbly self in no time, the tequila shots we shared no doubt helped. the funny thing is that she ended going home with a guy that all the girls here think is hot as fuck!! and now she's in amsterdam. that bitch.
so yeah, i was totally going to do my homework, but fuck it. i just saw some fucking awesome videos on youtube. i watched clutch videos, and then when i was watching the more recent one, when neil takes off his hoodie in the middle of the song, it reminded me of that first perfect circle video, the one for judith, when the bassist, mid song, does up her hair in a top knot, and then goes on playing, every time i see that i go 'fuck yeah!', so i watched that too. then i watched the recent daily show when he interviewed lynn cheney, god that was funny as fuck. that stupid bitch. he was nicer to her then she deserved. then i watched the clip of stephen colbert on the o'reilly factor. i had seen the one with bill o'reilly on the colbert report, but not the other way around. it was so funny, but i got to say it was weird to watch something as funny as that and not hear any laugh track, at all. everyonce in a while someone in the audience would hoot out and get quickly shushed. i guess i'm just well trained, but it was a bit creepy.