Miller

Who I'd like to meet:

Anyone who randomly quotes Monty Python and...

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, " and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons, and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awsome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

There is no theory of evolution instead there is a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to survive.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Why Chuck Norris Is Awesome

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck! "Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month

Chuck Norris regularly dines on a steady diet of broken glass, thumbtacks and napalm. Norris claims it "helps keep a man strong"

Chuck Norris sheds his skin once a year

Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, "The name's Norris; Chuck Norris.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5

Chuck Norris doesnt need a computer to burn CD's his reflection on them works every time.

The flesh of people who have tried to fight Chuck Norris is known as Ground Chuck. You can buy it at almost every grocery store, by the pound.

Chuck Norris can change a tire without stopping the truck. He never drives a car.

No matter how many people he round house kicks to the face, Chuck Norris is never on Santa's Naughty list.

Chuck Norris can see the Invisible Man.

Chuck Norris invented the moon. Twice

Chuck Norris will never die. Instead, he will go nova.

After staring at the American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris pops up.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Chuck Norris plays hacky-sack with bowling balls

Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.

They say that it's impossible to breathe in space. Tell that to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is no longer a noun, it is a verb.

Chuck Norris speaks in 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound.