Current mood:
confused
Feb. 14, 2009
If you are like many millions of people throughout the United States (and the rest of the world for that matter), you were very surprised to see that 30 Helens was once again overlooked for nomination at the 2009 Grammy Awards. The members of 30 Helens have remained indoors since the February 8 sham of an awards show; sitting in utter disbelief. Since that unbelievable night, 30 Helens has put their heads together to try and get a grasp on what could have possibly happened. After speaking with each of the members, here is our conclusion and suggestions to the band to ensure that this doesn't happen again in 2010.
1) TIME FOR A NEW BAND NAME!
In this world where our food is stuffed full of hormones and other chemicals that could possibly stunt your growth, you might think that being "Lil" is a bad thing. That is absolutely not the case if you want to be involved with mainstream music; especially the Grammy's. Lil' Wayne, Lil' Bow Wow, Lil' John... So, Lil' 30 Helens, get out your rhinestone encrusted chalice and include your own name in each of your songs at least 70 times and you are well on your way to success.
2) YOU NEED GUNFIRE SOUNDS IN YOUR SONGS!
Not only does gunfire add to your street cred, but it also works out great for when you have to radio edit songs and you can cover the cursing with live fire from a Glock 9mm.
3) YOU NEED TO BE EITHER ON AMERICAN IDOL or GET YOUR OWN DISNEY SHOW
Since American Idol may prove difficult for 7 guys ranging from 20 to 50 years of age, we suggest Disney. A 30 Helens version of Hannah Montana! Sounds great doesn't it? Just think how great that would be. You would be able to double your success because you could be Lil' 30 Helens on the show and the regular 30 Helens in real life. You could release multiple CD's under different names. You could save a ton of money and be your own opening band. Two times the success in everything. By this time next year you'll be the one accompanying Taylor Swift on her new songs about slammin' screen doors, sneaking out late, and bangin' on windows.
4) START A SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE OTHER ARTISTS!
Isn't it about time that people found out the truth about their so called music heroes? Come out and tell people the real story. We would start with these examples:
Let everyone know that Jason Mraz really isn't theirs.
Let everyone know that Rihanna only walks under an umbrella when it rains.
Let everyone know that the group that did the song Paper Planes really isn't M.I.A...we know because we saw them at the Grammy's. How the hell do you expect to have a successful tour if you never show up.
Let everyone know that Leona Lewis doesn't really bleed love. It's just the same red plasma-ey stuff that everyone else in the world, except vampires have.
Let everyone know what One Republic did to have to apologize every time we turn on the freakin' radio. No one apologizes that many times without either having done some serious time or being on the run because of an outstanding warrant of some sort.
These are just a few that come to mind. Don't worry, we'll think of some more.
AND FINALLY #5
RELEASE A DAMN CD ALREADY!
We have done the research and have found that no band in history has ever been nominated with having released a single song to the public. We think that this might be hindering your ability to succeed in the music business. While we find admirable the extent to which you are willing to go not to "Sell Out" like everyone else, don't you think it is time to release your 30 Helens-ness on the world? We've seen the live show that you put on and YOUR GREAT! Don't you remember? We were the ones at the last show.
So, please take a look at all the aforementioned suggestions and we can virtually guarantee your future as multiple Grammy Winners in 2010.
WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, 30 HELENS RELEASED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT:
We would like to thank our fans for their continued support of 30 Helens. 30 Helens strives to provide the best music possible in the most timely manner. We are currently finalizing our debut CD, which is yet to be titled, and we are thoroughly excited to see the publics reaction to it. We should have a final product completed by early to mid-spring. This should allow plenty of time for our fan base and the Grammy nomination committee to take in the music that we have created and start to pay to us the attention that we have strived for and feel we deserve.
In the meantime, please continue to visit www.myspace.com/30helens and help us to reach this goal in 2010.
excited
'nuff said. Rock on Lil' 30. We too are contemplating changing the name of our band to The lil' Red Apples, (not to be confused with the tune "Little Green Apples") and wonder why we didn't name it that it the foist place? What what?
And we have another idea that we feel sure will give us more "street cred". Domestic Abuse. Since the core of our band consists of a husband/wife team, we are pretty sure one of us beating up on the other, calling 911 and preferably landing in the hospital will go far to insure our success. We are still negotiating the details of who will get to beat whom. We're thinking Wendy should kick Ron's ass, just for the whole power to women statement it makes. What do you all think?