Rex Fortuna

About me:

.. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I translate ethnic slurs for Finnish refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. If I had a dog, and it could speak, it would speak spanish, and refer to me as "El Heffe". I am a performance artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless gambler. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Children trust me. I can hurl golf clubs at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The Theory of Poker, The Farmers Almanac 2006, and The Joy of Cooking in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who has seized a small bakery. I am considered Action Hamlet to literary buffs in Iceland. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin.