Noble's Blog

...or How I met your mother.

My daughter is going to light me on fire when she's older and reads this

Page 42


1st panel

"As is oft to happen, as a teenager I had a different group of friends that I hung out with than I did as a yonker. Doug was tied to a bed for the rest of eternity, Jamie was captured by National Geographic and put on display as the last remaining Cro-Magnon, and Kevin stayed out in a wind storm, and was blown to outer Mongolia."

2nd panel

"So enter Vince! Dave! Bill! And uhhhh. Well that's it. What? I didn't get out much."

Vince looks like a blonde haired teen axel rose. Long stringy blonde hair, that 'metal' look. Dave is his older brother. Short black hair who is the spitting image of Moe from the three stooges. Seriously. And Bill, is white t-shirt, jeans, work boots, and blue and white ball cap.

3rd panel

"If Axel Rose had a horny, blonde teenage son with even more of a temper, then that would be Vince. His older brother Dave was the oldest of all of us, and the voice of reason. Bill had an imaginary cat named Jake, and liked to set things on fire. Including himself."

4th panel

"Vince introduced me to 'metal' music. And I use that term loosely. Poison, Guns 'N Roses, Bon Jovi. Pretty tame by today's standards. He was also the first of us to get a tattoo. He claims it was a skull. I still claim it was a mongoloid sponge that a moose took a shit on."

Page 43

1st panel

"Bill was the first one of us to get a license AND a car. Even though it was so old Moses used it to free the Jews from the Death Star, it was still a car."

2nd panel

"And do you know what teenage girls liked back in our day? Cruisin' around the countryside with a bunch of boys their mothers wouldn't approve of, listening to rock music that would cause their granny's to implode."

3rd panel

"…and that's just what we did. While Bill was car guy, Dave was voice of reason guy, and Vince was the bad boy, I bet you're wondering what I was. Bet you thought it was funny comic relief guy, yeah?"

4th panel

"Well you're part right. I'm also only one in the entire group with a job guy. So every weekend I'd blow my entire paycheck on gas and girls."

5th panel

"It started off with just the four of us and Vince's girlfriend. But after a few weekends of my shenanigans, word got out through the girly hotline of the 'metal' car with the funny in the head guy."

Page 44

1st panel

"Then there were ten of us shoved into that car. There would have been more, but the fire department would have condemned it as a health hazard."

This shot the car is bounding over the countryside. Stuffed full of people. Vince is on the hood wind surfing, and arms and legs are sticking out of the windows.

2nd panel

"Since Bill had to drive, and Vince and his girlfriend always sat up front that left me and Dave in the backseat."

3rd panel

Narrator Noble is looking out at the reader with a shit eating grin on his face.

"With all the girls."

4th panel

"Sure I had elbows in my face, it was hot and uncomfortable, but there was a girl sitting on each leg, and girls jammed in every which way."

5th panel

"We'd drive out into the dark woods, music blaring, getting 'accidentally' groped, there wasn't an adult for miles, and my antics like the superman stunt on the hood of the car made sure all the girl's attention were honed in on me. Or it could be the fact that I had all the money."

WHO. CARED?"

6th panel

"It. Was. Awesome."

Page 45

1st panel

Caption box; "Do you believe in fate? Like no matter what you do in life you are going to end up at a pre set destination?"

2nd panel

"That no matter the twists and turns you take in life, you were destined to be sitting here right now, reading this goofy ass comic?"

3rd panel

"See it turned out one of the girls Edith, REALLY liked me, and I really liked her."

4th panel

"Unfortunately for the both of us we were both shy and introverted. If you've witnessed my antics you'll find that hard to believe. As a yonker however, if I would have tried to talk to a girl I probably would have swallowed my tongue."

5th panel

"So we both sat there, secretly pining for each other, and never said a word about it to anyone. I for my shyness, and her for the fact that she would die of embarrassment if she spoke up and I rejected her."

6th panel

"Not a lot of people know that if teenage girls are horribly embarrassed, they will actually die."

Page 46

1st panel

"It wasn't until much later in life when we ran into each other, and she mentioned that she had the biggest crush on me when we used to hang out. Yeah that's how my life works."

2nd panel

"Then there was Roberta. Another potential love interest. She was fun to hang around, her brothers were clinically insane, and I had made up my mind that I was going to ride back to her house in her car, and see what happens,"

3rd panel

Narrator Noble has a big shit eating grin on his face. "Alone."

4th panel

"We get back to where she had parked her car. I get out of Bill's behemoth of an automobile…and my coat gets snagged on the door."

5th panel

"I had just bought this coat a few weekends before. One of those real leather biker jackets that all the metal kids were wearing back then. It cost me an arm and a leg, and half my spleen, so I was trying to get it loose without tearing the damn thing."

6th panel

"Roberta was waiting patiently for me, and…

This is a shot of young Noble yanking on his coat as he's looking at the audience in desperation; "… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE HELP ME GET THIS STUPID COAT DISLODGED FROM THIS BLANKITY BLANKIN' DOOR!?!"

Page 47

1st panel

"So Dave, being the cockblocker that he was, says 'I'll ride home with her!' The second he got in her car…. THE VERY SECOND!!!…my coat came unstuck."

2nd panel

"If I had managed to pry myself loose ONE SECOND earlier, I could have got to the car, made some stupid joke about it, and been on my way to hot teenage premarital sexing! But I couldn't get free until it was exactly too late."

3rd panel

"It was as if there was some fatey force in the universe that kept steering me away from these other girls."

4th panel

"Almost as if there was something dark, sinister, and evil waiting to pounce on me."

5th panel

"I found out what it was the next weekend."

6th panel

"Roberta and Dave started dating, and all the rest of the girls in the group wouldn't date me. They said they were saving me for one of their friends. These ladies told me she was PERFECT for me. Said she was just as crazy as I was. Apparently these chicks didn't understand the difference between funny crazy and just plain fucking crazy."

Page 48

1st panel

Caption box; "I agreed to meet her. And just like that. My fate was sealed."

Close up on Noble; "DUHN DUNH DUUUUUUUHN!"

2nd panel

Noble is standing next to Kari. We can't see Kari as the top part of her body is enveloped in smoke. Only her legs and boots are sticking out the bottom of the smoke cloud.

Noble looking embarrassed, scratching the back of his head.; "Hi. You must be Kari."

3rd panel

Noble leaning closer to the smoke cloud; "Ummmmm…hello?"

4th panel

He's trying to part the smoke away with his hands.

Noble; "Anyone in here?"

5th panel

Kari's hand comes out of the smoke cloud and burns Noble with a cigarette.

Noble is yelling; "YOW! HOT HOT HOT!"

6th panel

Kari's fist comes out of the smoke cloud and slams into Noble's face.

Page 49

1st panel

Noble holding his eye.

"Ow! Why'd you do that?"

2nd panel

Noble is passing out

"That wasn't very…."

3rd panel

Noble is lying unconscious on the ground. Kari is poking at his unconscious form with her boot.

4th panel

An arm comes out of the smoke cloud, grabbing Noble by the hair.

5th panel

Kari is dragging Noble off panel by his hair.

Kari; "You'll do."

6th panel

Caption box; "And she drug me off to her evil lair of evil where I've remained to this day."

This shows Noble in a cage with a sign that says "Please don't feed the idiot."


Page 50

1st panel

"Roberta and the girls left me with a few warnings about dating Kari.
1 - Don't make eye contact
2 - Don't feed her after midnight
3 - Under no circumstances must her parents EVER find out you are dating."

2nd panel

"So imagine my shock and horror when two months later Kari busts out this glorious bit of English."

Kari is standing there with devil horns sticking out of her forehead; "My parents found out that we're dating and my father wants to talk to you."

Noble looking scared; "You…YOU MEAN SATAN?"

3rd panel

"I never knew words could have the power to kill, but I almost dropped dead on the spot."

Noble is looking around panicked. Kari is still standing there. Horns popped out of her head.

4th panel

Noble holds up an ancient looking parchment; "but what about the rules! I've been good! Look right here 3 NO PARENTS or you'll get killed to death, or eaten by beavers or something!"

5th panel

Kari puts her hand on Noble's shoulder; "It'll be fine."

Noble; "You're lying aren't you?"

Kari; "Probably."

6th panel

Same shot as before Noble staring at Kari.

7th panel

Noble; "Your horns are showing again."

Page 51

1st panel

"That was the longest looking walkway to a porch/front door I think I've ever tread upon."

There's some people standing on the side of what appears to be a mile long sidewalk leading up to a house.

Guy on the side of the path is screaming out; "DEAD MAN WALKING!"

2nd panel

"I had no idea what to expect when I walked in that front door. Other than my impending violently painful mess filled death that is."

3rd panel

"As soon as I walked in the front door I discovered her dad was Wolverine. Not the claws, and yellow skin tight spandex mind you, but the facial hair, size, and over abundance of beer cans. "

4th panel

"I would have commented as such but when as soon as I had entered this domicile of death I noticed that he was cleaning a rather large shot gun. And using me to line up the sights."

5th panel

"He looked at me through his one good tooth and said"


Kari's dad aiming a very large elephant like shot gun at Noble; "If'n you ever harm a hair on my daughter's head I'll be bop bedobang your skibbley doo."

6th panel

Noble looking around confused; "Say who what now?"

Page 52

1st panel

Kari's dad is now sitting atop a huge mechanical gun. There are all kinds of guns and what not pointing towards Noble. It's round like the gunners towers on battle ships, but there are all different kinds of weapons sticking up on cartoon like springs, pointing down at Noble.

Dad: "I said if you ever skibbledy do my daughter, I'm a gonna be bop flippidy blam ya son!"


2nd panel

Noble looking more confused than ever; "Que?"

3rd panel

A ring of nuclear missiles pop out of the platform and are pointing down at Noble. This shot is looking from above down at Noble who seems very small in the center of major weaponry pointing down at him.


4th panel

"I'm not sure what happened next. I might have been killed, and everything from that point on was me living the high life in hell."

5th panel

"I know her father still scares the hell out of me, and I'm almost certain he has thought up a thousand different ways to kill me to death, just because."