When I hear "Livin on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi, I always try to yell along with them. This always sounds badly. I'd like to apologize to all of New Jersey, Jon Bon Jovi, and anyone who's been half way there or, whoa, livin on a prayer.
I once told my brother that if he grew a mustache, he'd look like a porn star. I'd like to apologize to Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, Jake the Snake Roberts and Mike Scmidt. Four great mustaches, four great great champions.
People get offended when I mention that I think Counting Crows may in fact, be the worst band of all time. I'd like to apologize to anyone who has dreads, whines a lot or anyone was offended by this true statement, as well as anyone who's had a long December or is named Mr Jones.
I just learned that the guy from that country group "Brooks and Dunn" wasn't Garth Brooks. I'd like to apologize to all 6 of the people I know who listen to country music (and actually, all six are Heaveners) as well as Garth Brooks, Garth Snow, Garth Algar, Jennie Garth and Garth Vader.
There's a curse I have that anytime I've bought any sports jersey, that unfortunate athlete that I have selected, takes a downward spiral where they eventually get hurt, get traded, embarrass themselves or get into trouble (or all 4). I'd like to apologize to Bobby Hoying, Takeo Spikes, Jevon Kearse, David Carr, Zinedine Zidane, Scott Rolen and Bobby Abreu. It's not you, it's me.
One time, I was on this thing called "The Mountain Dew Tour" and was kicked out of a Bastille Day celebration for yelling "Bonjour" on the microphone. I'm not sure why I was banned but I'd like to apologize to that whole parade, The Tour De France, the Country of France, Gerard Depardieu, Gene Hackman of the FRENCH CONNECTION, Zinedine Zidane (again) and Madame Beachy, my high school french teacher.
One time I had a step brother named Dumpy. I took Dumpy to a Mighty Mighty Bosstones Show. While I stopped for gas, 2 crackhead girls asked Dumpy for a ride and he said yes. I said no. Dumpy became really sad. I'd like to apologize to Dumpy, for not remembering his real name, and the crackheads who probably had to walk to where ever they were going and to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones for almost bringing 2 crackheads to the show. By the way, I haven't seen Dumpy, a crackhead or the Mighty Mighty Bosstones in like 10 years.
Without fail, I will laugh at any Bill Cosby imitation. It's one of those things that no matter how good or how bad, the imitation, to me is ALWAYS funny. I'd like to apologize to Bill Cosby, Theo, Rudy, Vanessa, Denise, Lenny Kravitz, and anyone who enjoys a good pudding pop.
"The Jerk" is my favorite movie of all time. I apologize to The Godfather, The Apartment, My Left Foot, Cool Hand Luke, Star Wars, Good Fellas, Raging Bull and Rocky. You're all great great movies, but if only you had Steve Martin finding his rhythm, singing about his thermos or yelling about only needing his paddle game, you'd be at the top.
Who I'd like to meet:
Mike Schmidt, Michael Stipe, Freebird Michael Hayes, Michael Showalter, Mike Wallace, Michael Caine, Lorne Michaels, Shawn Michaels, Bret Michaels, pretty much anyone named Mike.