Billy Stout

About me:

My story started when I was 7 years old and lasted until I was 17. My father was a very abusive man physically, mentally and sexually. He would tell me that if I said anything to anyone he would kill my sister, brother, or my mom, so I kept my mouth shut and let him do what he wanted. All my life he would tell me that I would never amount to anything that I was a worthless piece of shit half the time, and that I would always screw everything up and never succeed. I tried to do things in my life to make my father proud of me and never could hear those words from his mouth. Thinking that I was protecting my family I never said anything to anyone. At the age of 16 the family found out he was also sexually abusing my sister and he admitted to it and said he would stop. For a few months it did and then my sister came to me and my mom and said he was doing it again, so from that point on my mom and sister tried to get me to kill my father. I was 17 years old and had my life planned out and at that time just wanted to get away from that man. For 2 to 3 months of my mom and sister continuing to ask me to take care of the problem, I just gave up and went to a friend and asked for a gun. I was going to kill my father than kill myself, I had a note already wrote out explaining what my father had done to me and my sister. You see my mom did try to escape and one time my father caught us and stuck us in a trailer, broke both of my mom's ankles and locked us in there. My sister and I had to take care of my mom because she couldn't walk. A second time my mom tried and he locked in wall locker and dumped spiders and bugs on her for 5 days straight. My father told my mom that she was only aloud to get pregnant when he wanted her to so when my mom got pregnant after my sister and he didn't want it, he self aborted the baby with a coat hanger. This is the type of monster we had to live with and the worst part was when my younger brother was born my mom threaten to leave him for a third and final time and to show her he meant business he took a pillow and suffocated my little brother till he was dead, the police and doctors just wrote it off as SIDS, but we knew the truth. I'm telling you this because I want you to realize the situation we were in and didn't feel that we had any options the police had came to our house several different times for different reasons and talked to my dad and left. With that said after my friend refused to give me a gun he wanted to help instead. My friend was supposed to just talk to my dad and ruff him up scare him into leaving us alone, well my friend got scared and stabbed my father 1 time in the heart as he took off running. My father came back into the house, pulled the knife out , and bled to death on our dining room floor. Two weeks after my father died, I confessed and my mom and myself was put in jail while my sister was admitted to mental hospital. We spent 2 years in jail and after our trials we were released, however my mom had to go to prison because she was the adult. For years I hated my mother because I blamed her for ruining my life and I have done some mean things since than trying to get back at her, but I recently have had time to think of my life and things in it and my mom was wrong, but she was scared and in a situation like I was. I have forgiven my mother and I have forgiven my father as well. For several years my father has had control over my life and the way I felt about myself and the relationships I have been in have suffered because of this as well. I was mad at God for what he put us through and turn my back on him as well. it was recently that I had some things in my life to make me realize my family didn't ruin my life and that God didn't turn his back on me. I wrote my father a long letter telling him how he hurt me and how what he did affected my life, I didn't hold back either I told him everything I should have told him when he was alive, then I told him how what he did has made me a better person because what he put me through allows me to help people in similar situations, and I have. You see the only way I am alive today is I believe in self healing, I refused to stay the victim. For whatever the reason God brought people in my life that shared similar stories and I was able to help them and in return helped myself and made myself stronger. The last and hardest thing I did in my letter to my father was I told him: "I loved him because he was my father, but I hated him for what he did, but no matter what he did I finally found the courage to forgive him and set all the negative energy away." I have learned that until you forgive the person or persons that hurt you they will control over your life in several ways. Your drive for life needs to be a positive drive and not driven by anger or hate because that will eventually tear you up inside and before you know it you are more prone to violence, drugs, self destruction. My name is Billy and I'm here to help anyone that needs it: You can contact me at: here_to_help_u09@yahoo.com anytime day or night.