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If all of the good qualities of the world’s “best” bands were to be combined into one supergroup, that group would still not match the unyielding power of the amazing Five Alpha Beatdown from Iceland. Born of fire and brimstone—and maybe just a few too many viewings of This is Spinal Tap—the fellows that make up Five Alpha Beatdown are of the mindset that bigger is better, louder is better, and better is better.
The story has been told a million times, yet it never gets old: Magnus Stenböstersson, a direct descendent of Erik the Red, came from the womb bearing a miniature Gibson Explorer and Aviator shades (and more than a passing resemblance to his hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger). Moments prior, in the next room, the Jörvic-Englarsson family welcomed their new son, Georg, into the world. Just outside of Reyjkavik Memorial, the cold night air bristled with energy. A freak lightning storm formed above the hospital, causing a massive power outage. When the power returned, Georg and Magnus had disappeared. Days later, following a search that could have been considerably more massive, the pair emerged as fully formed adults from one of Iceland’s famous volcano basins. They rode into town—and into the annals of rock history—atop two tiny horses, singing their soon-to-be classic single “Time to Rock.”
The duo added bassist Obelix “Testösterone” Tungsten, formerly of German group Die Eselspunishers (The Ass Punishers), in 2003, when it was decided that the duo “wasn’t quite crushing enough heads” in their live shows. Needless to say, Tungsten’s arrival signaled the crushing of the requisite amount of heads, and the group began their quest for world domination.
Lothar Injordöttir, a part-time auxiliary member of Five Alpha Beatdown, spends most of his days as a drifter. Not much is known of current whereabouts. Other auxiliary members include Ragnar Baldvincent of the northern Iceland Baldvincents, and Sven Stenböstersson, the younger and much less sexy brother of Magnus.
Five Alpha Beatdown's debut album, Hello We Are Five Alpha Beatdown from Iceland, has been held up at customs. It will be released in 2007, and that whole world-domination thing shall follow. The first single, “High Octane,” is currently crushing heads all over the globe.
p.s. Please steer clear of the amazing Five Alpha Beatdown from Iceland's arch enemy: the nefarious Hott Custard from Greenland.
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