Seb

The Orange Cat's name is Schrody, by the way. His day job is in the Museum of Bad Art,in Andover MA, where he appears as Peter the Kitty.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE EVER MYSPACE SURVEY...

Are you a clean freak?

No. I’m an altogether different kind of freak.

Are you comfortable with your height?

Yes, And my length, too

Are you happy with your life right now?

I’m happy with everything except my life

Are you smiling?

yeah, like Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket.

Are you watching TV.?

No. But I think TV is watching me…

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?

No. I was born in a foreign country to parents who were not native English speakers and then I went to school in Baltimore and New Jersey. Consequently, English wasn’t my first language until I was, like, 25.

Best thing about winter?

Winter? What is this winter thing you speak of? Listen, if you are dumb enough not to live in California, don’t bitch about the weather!! ? (I’m joking…)

Can you whistle?

Heck yes, but I can’t do the fingers in the mouth whistle. My armpit-fart skillz are also sadly puny.

Do any of your friends have children?

I don’t know. That seems rather a personal thing to ask them so I avoid it.

Do you drive?

It’s California, dude. I don’t ride a camel.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?

”medication”, yeah.

Do you get scared easy?

No. I am also totally expecting to be called on my answer to this question. “There must be something that scares you, Seb” so I just think of something really awful and say “ok, Hitler scares me”. Cause Hitler was a pretty scary dude, right? Are they happy? No – they say Hitler is dead so I can’t fear him. Ok, Hitler’s zombie. Scary enough for you?

Do you have a crush?

I have a Maslow-like hierarchy of crushes.

Do you have a trampoline in your back yard

Yeah, right next to the elephant and the 60 foot high statue of Gene Hackman.

Do you know how to pump gas?

Being possessed of a functional IQ > 55, I feel qualified

Do you like candles?

Yes, but not with ketchup.

Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial?

I hardly think the people in the herbal essence commercial are good role models, do you?

Do you use sarcasm?

No, I use onion like layers of irony and puns so intricate that only Harvard PhDs who are native Polish speakers can understand them.

Do you Drink?

Only when I’m stoned. And at times when it is neither socially nor legally acceptable to be stoned.

..Ever cry in public?..

Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?:

Yesssssss. And a few controllable ones.

Ever prank call anybody?:

Oh yes. In St Paul it was just about all we could do to keep from going insane. That and lighting uncontrollable fires….

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property?

Ummm. Yes. If by vandalising you mean “setting fire to”.

Faced with death, which way would you rather go out?

On my own terms. And I want my death to be avenged!

Faked being sick to miss school?

I’d fake DEATH to miss school

Favorite brand of shoes?

I used to pity a man who had no feet until I met a man who had no favorite brand of shoes

Has anyone ever called you lazy?

Yes, but what they don’t understand is that it is not laziness, it is monumental apathy

(Do you) Have any bad habits:

I prefer to think of them as charming quirks. Your mileage may vary.

Have you ever been swimming in the ocean on a first date? What would you think of someone who took you swimming on a first date?

There is no better place than swimming in the ocean on a first date. Naked. At dawn. But I’m willing to settle... To answer the question, I’d be mightily impressed if someone suggested swimming on a first date.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?

I’m from Maryland. Six flags is culture to us.

Have you ever gotten beat up?

Yes. Here’s some advice kids – telling a militant black lesbian to “chill the fuck out” isn’t a good idea at the best of times.

Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?:

yes. I actually worked as a fill-in advice columnist early in my newspaper career. Here’s a clue – most letters to advice columnists are actually written by the advice columnist themselves. So I wrote many anonymous letters - to myself.

How many pairs of jeans do you own?:

If I knew how many pairs of jeans I owned it would be too many

If you only had one day to live, what would we do together?

Easy. Jump in a time machine and go back to the ALCS, game 1, 1996. (maybe I’d just take a brief absence from you to make sure a certain 12 year old by the right field fence had an accident before the game started!) Either that, or back to that first date, at the beach, with you.

If were allowed to ask one question of our current president (then President Bush), what would you ask?

Have you no shame you son of a bitch?

Last person you kissed?

A very short, very pretty redheaded girl. I tasted lemonade.

Last time you laughed at something stupid?

I laughed at the president (Bush) this morning.

Lost a friendship over something stupid?

I lost a goddam marriage over something stupid!

The best way you've ever gotten out of a ticket?

I once got busted doing about 140 in a ’69 Camaro just shy of the Penn state line by some WV State Troopers back in March 2006. They let met me off if I let them pose for photos in the car.

What are you doing right now?

I’m enjoying a delightful dinner party with my guests Leonard Cohen, Volker Schloendorf, Fred Dalton Thompson and the king of Belgium. I just left them all alone on the “twister” mat so I could do this fucking survey.

What are you wearing right now?:

blue PJs with holes in them such that I cannot rise to answer the door

What are your plans for the weekend?:

a) get stinking drunk, b) get laid, and c) write a poem. If b) works out, possible slight detour to Mexico to get married. I would totally do that.

What can you never get enough of?

the sea. The sea and unexpected redemptions

What do you want to be:

when I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be either Evil Knevel, James Bond, Mr T, Carl Sagan or Colonel Sanders. Clearly, a mix of their respective superpowers would be the optimal situation

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

That they are the opposite sex

What school do you go to?

Eastern Technical. Baltimore, Maryland. I majored in car stealing. Actually, it was pretty good school

What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds?

A healthy does of ptomaine back in 1986

What’s the most annoying thing people say to you?

When they tell me to put my pants on. Fuck ‘em. I have First Amendment rights!

What's your favorite cereal character?

Tony the tiger..........do I need to say this....because he is grrrrrrrrreat.

What’s your favorite fruit?

Strawberries –which technically aren’t a fruit, but screw you

What is your heritage?

I was born in Brazil, the scion of a family of German American Republicans from Pittsburgh.

Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?

If you had a really, really good reason. Or had done something wicked sexy or cool.

When was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?

Ha ha - two days ago. I peed on the grandeur of New Mexico!

You like....?

Complete sentences. That notwithstanding, a shoulder rub is an acceptable substitute.

You registered to vote?:

Hell yes – if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch and I plan on doing plenny o’bitching.

Favorite form of travel?

Whatever brings me closer to the Lord. Oh, I am so not taking this seriously….