I've been in show business ever since I was a teenager. It has taken me all over the world. And that's how I came to realize that drunks everywhere speak the same language.
It's a beautiful thing knowing that a simple mumble delivered at the top of your lungs will never fail make the truly inebriated burst into howls of laughter, "Shay laady hazennybuddy ever toljew how byooootifool yoo look when I'm plashturd?"
So for a laugh, I buy everyone in the audience a drink. Which is no problem because they put me up on stage when there's nobody at all in the club.
But even after spending all that cash kissing ass, the old lush at the end of the bar starts going "Boo, Boo" What's the matter, pal? Did you hurt yourself? Ask the bartender for a bandaid.
Hmmm, well if that's not it, you could always go out to the side alley, I thought I saw a couple of guys smoking boo out there a few minutes ago.
No, neither? Let me quickly refer to my handy "English-Drunkish" dictionary. Let's see...
BO-NUS noun What spinsters on cruise ships request from the male entertainers.
Hang on, hang on, I'm getting there.
BON VI-VANT (bawN vee-vahNt') A high liver.
Yup, enough booze'll do that to you. Ah, here it is:
BOO noun & interj. A vocal sound made to frighten.
Oh, yeah. I'm shaking in my boooots. Hey! What's this next entry?
BOOB noun Your first love.
Cool! They've sure got me pegged.
WAIT A MINUTE! Sixteen year old girls aren't supposed to be reading this! Didn't you see that my comedy is rated ''R''? You have to have a parent or guardian present to be on this myspace page. What if your mommy knew that you're reading this trash? Huh?
And how do I know that you're a sixteen year old girl? Simple, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL MYSPACE IS: a bunch of underage skanks trying to act cool.
Did I make you cry? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be unkind. OK, OK, you can stay. But don't tell anyone that you heard me say "BOOB". You promise?
And hey! You sure look like you've got a nice set! Just do me a favor and pop the left one out for me.
OMG! It's beautiful! Could I just get a little closer look? Yeah, put it right up to my photo up there.
Go ahead and just gently touch your nipple to my face on the screen. Don't worry, I won't bite.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You got an electrical shock didn't you?
I lied. I DO bite!
