Alyssa Poppet

About me:

Last year I lost myself 08 and got into some possibly regretful situations and burned sooo very many bridges with so many potentially good people. Its really hard not having firm knowledge about who you are. And so at the beggining of this year I surrendered to everyone around me and decided to stop fighting what they wanted me to do and say, which was the route of all my problems in 08 and pretty much everything before that, I wanted to be liked and for everyone to be happy and contented about everything, much like the smurfs. But even the smurfs have gargamoyle or whatever. An so not to go off on a smurfed up analogy. Those bridges and friendships I mentioned earlier im not sure were very good ones to begin with anyway. Most, were attempts at forcing myself to fit in and I've learned you cant always make people happy. some people just suck and you have to move on, stop trying to save them, from themselves or from pain or try to fix them and make it all better. Now though, I am with the most well grounded, self aware person I've ever met, slash met again, because we met 4,5 years prior but i had no confidence to talk to him back then so i settled, for less than what I deserved, which was him. The person that deterred me from getting lost in assimilation, who might not be a saint or a saviour, but everything I needed, when I needed him. The easier route would have been clearly to continue down the self destructive path I was on, constantly changing my everything to force myself into the mould of convention But I'd be pleasing everyone around me with familiarity, but for the first time he's the first person to ever say to me embrace who you are because I love you just as you are. But shouldnt I lose weight in minutes I'll be ambushed by green peace and dragged back to my natural habitate?, No I love you. It's all I hear and trust me im my best worst enemy I've tried it all, to get him to admit what I've always known, that I'm not worth it. His time and love and constant reassurance, but he still wont say it. And each time I try to trick him into letting it slip and though it pushes him ever so closer to the brink of insanity, He'll correct me tell me I'm adorable and how much he loves me. heh theres that little self sabotaging part of me that thinks I'll hear it one day, but I hope he never proves me right and that I'll see what he does one day.