Dave's Kitty Licks Back!

Mitch Hedberg
~I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.~
~I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say "Mitch," and I say "what?" and turn my head slightly.~
~I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.~
~I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.~
~I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.~
~The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.~
~You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.~
~I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.~