NatEr

About me:

Hey hey hey! Names Nate. Well... I'm SOBER!! If you know me then you will find that statement to be very shocking. It's true. I have months of clean time with me. I'm VERRYY interested in starting and maintaining a new life for myself. I spent sooo much time checked out on life that I never really lived it, at all. I want to do and experience pretty much everything under the sun. Except for the obvious... it seriously does take you NOWHERE. It's not worth throwing everything away... because one day, if your lucky, to work for what you lost, you will fully understand what i'm writing...Don't fuck with it. Wow... I am experiencing so many new things in my life I seriously think that I am going to EXPLODE!!! I have been in a relationship for about 15 months now...and all I can say is; the only thing i need to say, BREATHTAKING!! I was never one for relationships. Always a loner at heart! Independent and UN-REFINED. Now my life is sooo much different. Conforming and expanding in areas in my life that leads to growth. Something that I thought I was not capable of doing is letting someone into my over guarded heart! Some days are like a flask back of old ideas and habits. If it wasn't for this amazing person my self destructive behavior would have sufficed, I am sure. I am understanding now, finally, that the thing that I thought that I never needed was the only thing in my life that I was truly starving for. That attention and affection to slow me down from myself. it's weird when i think of our relationship... its almost like two sides of a coin. Yes, the old chiche. Two COMPLETELY different people working and progressing in a way that that is like an undercurrent. Washing me over so profoundly that all I can do is try and breathe. Grasping for something, anything that makes sense in this new life. This was gradual too.. Something that had to be refined. You know, it's sooo weird how pride works.. You think that everything is fine and you are stronger alone... that was my thought in life... But I wasn't even taking recognition that was my life was deteriorating without a blink from me. The substance that I was missing and needing more then anything was the only thing that I was truly afraid of. How ironic. The only truth that I try and live by is that a life without love is a life not worth living. I thought I had everything, alone... I was all I needed... but I was SOOOOOO nieve, just didn't live long enough. A life without love is a sad life. Love is what gives me hope and keeps me believing in something more then just myself. I know now that it is the only thing worth protecting in my eyes. It's soo powerful... and gives anyones life significance. Like i said, I feel that you can have everything in the world... but If you don't have anyone to love you and everything about you... When what kind of a life is it really? It's the most profound thing in my life and the one thing that I try and cherish most of all. I try and let love define my life now... not drugs! Now that I got that out.... Well, where to start? I moved out of my mother house in November, into a beautiful apartment. Working full time. Going to 12 step meetings, knowing that's giving me NatEr back. Pretty much living life as it comes! Oh... I got baptised... again. I highly recommend it! I just feel better with myself and my surroundings. I am currently attending central community college. Going into computers and PUBLIC SPEAKING!! I just feel like that is where I need to be. I have gone through alot, god knows that. I feel that if I can try and help the next struggling addict then my life will be sooo much more peaceful. Reach the youth (as in younger then me) give them hope when not sooo long ago I had none as well. I am nowhere near perfect, but if someone could draw strengh from what I am accomplishing that would be a real treasure... Sometimes though, life without my crutches can be very difficult indeed. I feel like crying a lot, throwing things, yelling at people or simply laying in bed until the sun comes up. This new life is still very confusing. You would assume that simply not using drugs would set you straight. Sort of... pick up where you left off. No, sadly that is far from the case. I have a hard time explaining the things that I lost while I was under submission. In a blog I wrote about a fresh, new coma. The closes analogy I can come up with is "It's like when you were little, and you believed that everything was possible within the realms of your imagination. Like, that spiritual drive that was the undertone for your creativity and pure...well, love. The light! Some would call it. It feels like that spiritual embodiment has been snuffed out. Sacrificed, unattainable and strictly restricted from the wicked." Spiritual gifts that truly define you, are purged. Think about that... Getting spiritul gifts back is a long road of faith, time and trust. Essentially... a rebirth within the same life. ..