MySpace.com - 99 CENT WHORE - New York - Comedy / Pop / Indie

People often ask how the 99 cent whore came to be. Is she real? Does she really only charge 99 cents? Does she take checks? And was she in fact the bastard child of Loretta Lynn & Tommy Lee Jones? Or of Loretta Lynn and Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy Lee? (Not true. No human life was conceived out of that grossly misconceived three-way). This site exists to help separate fact from friction. It all began when she was found in the stock room of a 99 cent store, an abandoned baby all alone in this world, by two surly yet lovable delivery guys from the "Stokely's" chili company. Seeing the small babe stuffed in a filthy cat litter box, they tended to her as best they could, keeping her alive on sweet condensed milk and Lady Tiger® Stimulant Capsules they found in the store. It truly took a village (or a retail staff) to raise this precious child. Employees at the store took turns educating her by reading her stories they'd make up from the ingredients on the back of shampoo bottles. By the time she was 13 she already had a 2nd grade reading level and her future looked promising! But tragedy struck when a wandering ne're do well wrangled our little lady into an underground "tween" prostitution ring. Fortunately, our heroine circumvented having to sleep with strange men for money by SINGING INSTEAD! Her gentle lullabies and clunky guitar playing calmed the savages who tried to take her virginity and her innocence. But not being a good business woman, she fucked them anyway (for free), because she said "They seemed lonely." Now years later, much older and no wiser, she's cleaned up her act by getting a legit job-- at the 99 cent store as assistant night manager. You can see her there still... with her price-tag gun in hand, and a mop wherever there is a spill. But after hours, when the front doors are locked and the rest of the staff goes home, the 99 Cent Whore comes alive... back in her "safe place"-- the stock room. It is there that magic happens, and there that she still sings her songs like a mermaid calling to lost sailors. Or... or a whore who just wants to rock out with her cock out. She's fixin to get real good on the guitar so she can become a rock star like on the TEE V, and maybe only work 3 shifts at the 99 cent store. So stop on by the 99 cent store after 4pm from Tuesday to Sunday. And say hey. Say hey to the 99 Cent Whore.

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