Dorky people who go out into the world to have dorky adventures...cute girls who stay up late and say random hysterical things. I used to say I wanted a girl like Clementine from Eternal Sunshine until a met a couple and ran for my fucking life. Now I just want someone to OD on movies and cartoons with and one day, maybe a Great Expectations/ Amelie/ Say Anything sort of situation. Maybe Barbara Gordon. Yup..super geeky.
CLICK HERE for my list of the best and worst horror films of 2008 on Dreadcentral.com
And now...your 15 second movie reviews...
Twilight: New Moon:: Prepare for 2 hours of pain!! At best, this is a high school level mellow drama that wishes, one day, it could be a genuine soap opera. Ridiculous vampire makeups and mannerisms heighten the bad along with some laughably sub-par CGI werewolves. Edward and company make the vamp cows in Littlest Vampire seem creepy. AVOID!
The Blind Side:: This is the kind of movie that makes you feel like you should be a LOT more grateful for all the good things in our lives, and assures us that miracles do happen. This is also the sweetest, most sincere movie I've seen in years. Grabs your heart tight and doesn't let go, yet is consistently funny as well. EVERYONE in it is fantastic. See this immediately and if you are easily choked up, bring some tissues!
Planet 51:: A light, fairly funny movie with the genius concept that a human lands on an alien planet that has some significant tech advances, but is experiencing their version of our 50's!! Unfortunately, its as if the execs meddled with the script and inserted "kid friendly" wacky chase scenes and diatribe on the moral of the story, spelled out painfully clearly. Hysterical moments and generally fun, but not a must see.
2012:: This just might be the stupidest movie anyone has ever thrown up on the big screen, and yet, in that it is so ridiculously bad, it's a work of art. Most everything that happens is dumb but the WOA factor in which the destruction of the planet chases after John Cusack and his hapless family is astounding. This is an instant classic..with shots.. in that you should be drinking all through the 3 hours.
The Men Who Stare at Goats:: Did you go into this movie thinking it would be all light and retardedly funny and they'd actually have some crazy government funded super powers? So did I..and I was hoping, but the reality was a bit more depressing..and reality did dominate, sadly. It's still quirky enough to make you laugh out loud often and Clooney just destroys on screen. Worth a shot!
A Christmas Carol:: We start out with a beautiful recreation of the classic tale you'll be ecstatic to introduce your children to. In walks the first spirit with a jump scare more effective than most horror movies, followed by a downward spiral once we hit the present who goes full on spooky, disturbs your children and forces them into counseling. WHO ARE THEY MAKING THESE MOVIES FOR?! A very well made movie (with a silly Hollywood chase ending) but too scary for little ones for sure.
The Box:: A silently creeping film about a seemingly well off family who selfishly chose another human's demise to line their pockets. Little do they know that the alien Frank Langella is testing them and their failure spells our doom!! In the Box 2, Langella teams up with Keanu to destroy the planet. Hey, it's just as ridiculous as this movie already is. The creepy doesn't work, the family has no chemistry and the 70's were ugly and thus, so is this movie. SKIP!
Saw 6:: How do you continue a franchise like SAW and top all the episodes that have come before?! Create a fun park of pain with such terrors as STEAM and a SHOTGUN!! oooo..scary. Saw has lost it's mojo and with it went any cleaver twists and aptitude at making an audience cringe. Off to DVD hell with you.
Astro Boy:: This is most definitely the first kid's animated movie in which a little boy is blown up. From the ashes comes Astro Boy!! ..who is immediately shunned by his grieving father and then attacked by the military. HAPPY MOVIE!! Some action but nothing mind blowing..some funny but nowhere near pixar brilliance..and a lot of time taken to teach the lesson that Robot rights are very important. Hm.
The Stepfather:: Lame rehash of a movie that wasn't that spectacular in the first place which spends most of its time showing the teen stars poolside in their skivies. Lead dude's girlfriend even resembles Bella from Twilight, which can't be a coincidence. You get 10 extra minutes of her in her underwear as well. OH! And there's a little plot too! How ambitious. Skip this phony slasher entirely.
Where the Wild Things Are:: I'm never certain who they are making these movies for. You'd think kids, but my first thought was little ones would be terrified of these giant monsters who seem to use eating little boys as a threat more often than not. Very sweet, killer music, amazing visuals on monsters that shouldn't be there but on the whole, kind of a downer. Can we get more UP BEAT kid's movies pleeeeeease?!
Zombieland:: The world is over run with the munching dead, forcing 4 survivors to stand each other's company and become a new family for a new future. Lucky for us, they love busting up zombies and being completely hysterical as they go about it. Great effects, insanely funny plot turns and just the right amount of heart make this the most fun time I've had with zombies since Shaun of the Dead. Go see this the second it hits!!!
Whip It:: Cute tale of a quirky girl left over from Ghost World who discovers that roller derby is better than beauty pageants. All the usual silly drama happens (complete with the girlie downer moment) but the cast is great and they got the demeanor of derby girls down (only they should be more drunk), so this one was fun for what it is.
Paranormal Activity:: Remember the last time a horror movie actually scared you? I don't mean you enjoyed it, I mean REALLY creeped you out. Be ready! This one leaves people shaking and screaming. SOO much fun if you are desensitized like me just to watch the chaos. Take all your friends!!!
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs:: WOW. Poor Lori's face still probably hurts from laughing. Ever been shocked when a cartoon is so funny you can't think straight anymore? This movie is odd, hysterical, sweet and super nerdy. Not sure if kids will get half the jokes but we were falling out of our seats..and that's what's important. 3D!!!
Jennifer's Body:: Try as they might to turn me off to this movie with constant quick flashes of Megan Fox being herself, this is a solid teen horrorfest! Good kills, creepy built up suspense, above average FX and a decent sound track tie it all together with a cast you'll love. Just get past all the alien talk and you'll have fun.
The Informant:: The tale of a somewhat wealthy man with a lovely family that decides to help the FBI take down his company, but even a gift wrapped case isn't always what it seems. Think "The Firm", but no one else knows they are in that movie. It's cleaver, funnys and quick and can best be described as odd with Matt Damon dishing out a stellar performance that drives the entire movie. Absolutely not your typical comedy.
Sorority Row:: A house of bitchy hotties muck up a prank to bloody ends and cover their tracks. Months later, they are stalked by a vengeful, hooded form with the most retarded weapon ever seen on the screen. Slight black humor doesn't make up for another re-hashed plot, heaps of bad acting and off camera cut away kills. Seek thine horror elsewhere.
9:: After the Terminators kill all the humans and go to sleep, little sack people roam the earth reading books, making little gadgets and fleeing a psychotic looking cat robo creature. Then comes 9 who wakes up the master robo and unleashes worlds of creepy upon the planet. Very cool..SUPER CREEPY..but lots of plot holes.
Gamer:: A new school take on the Running Man theme with no shortage of perversity, odd imagery, driving rock music, exploding bodies, a dance number and the giant floating head of Ludacris. What else did you expect from the creators of the Crank series? A ridiculously dumb, great time, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. Probably best on the big screen.
Extract:: A series of images someone obviously thought were funny along side a whole lot of talking with the same purpose. Can't say I agree. Unless you find dumb and/or whiny people funny, you can skip this one entirely. Of course, Mila Kunis makes it all better. Ahhhhh Mila.
The Final Destination:: You've seen this before. Boy sees bloody future, boy warns friends, boy causes a row that causes others to vacate before carnage claims the day..and now death wants them all back! I wasn't expecting Shakespeare here but I did want something more than bad CGI kills, boring characters and zero resolution. Without the 3D, this would have gone straight to DVD...or the Syfy channel.
Halloween 2:: Myers is back and makes a B line for a nightmare addled Laurie. Wackiness ensues. Dream sequences and needless kill scenes mire H2 in much of the same muck that caused pain for many movie goers when Zombie made his first installment. Though I didn't hate this film, I wouldn't recommend it for scares, creeps or even decent jumps. Instead, all we get is brutality and darkly shot kill scenes. Somethings missing.
Inglorious Basterds:: Brad Pitt straps on a southern accent and leads a band of nazi killers to war while a petite cinema owner plots their demise on her own terms. When these two meet, you may get some kraut guts on you! Seriously good time..funny, ridiculously bloody and well paced for the running time. This might be Tarantino's best film yet, though True Romance is still number 1.
Ponyo:: The story of a little fish girl who becomes a little chicken girl is adorable beyond words with amazing visuals that will, no doubt, make the little ones oo and ahh. Make no mistake this IS absolutely for little kids and lacks the depth and darkness of previous Miyazaki animated masterpieces. Don't go in expecting Princess Mononoke!
The Goods:: This movie starts out odd and random but funny, turns into Taledega Nights with even less making sense and then just heads south into boring and annoying like a Saturday Night Live skit gone on too long. You'll pray for Jeremy Piven to stop yelling into the camera. Old racist men aren't as funny as they think. If this were a DVD rental I would have turned it off.
District 9:: What's bound to be a cult classic film about the extremes of human oppression over a "weaker" species and a simple man who proves that even in the face of insurmountable odds, humans can be assholes. Luckily, the effects kick ass and the film's finale will blow you out of your seat. You may also enjoy a healthy dose of JACKSON SPLATTER!! Go see it.
G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra:: Not sure what I was expecting from a movie that probably never should have been made, but it's not entirely unwatchable. CGI reminded me of a video game..OVERKILL!! Classic Joe characterizations changed were dumb and lord...Channing Tatum is painful to watch. Baroness is almost as bad. If someone forces you to see this, you'll live through it.
Julie and Julia:: Fantastic to watch a "chick flick" that surpasses the normal trappings. Not one clothes changing montage!! A fun story that avoids the typical downer moment (largely) and delivers light, highly enjoyable entertainment throughout. Meryl Streep's Julia Child is HYSTERICAL every second. Take a date and pretend you were making a sacrifice in seeing it.
The Collector:: Can I buy into a single individual filling a large house with inexplicable traps and changed door locks in the space of 3 hours or so? Nope. Can I ignore it to enjoy a generally creepy film with awesome atmosphere, excellent acting and a killer sound track? Fuck yes. Maybe you can too!
Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince:: A seriously dark chapter for the boy wizard and friends which has just about nothing to do with the title and never quite achieves the epic scope promised in the trailer. Mind you, I still had a great time, but there are no WOW moments we remember from previous entries. Seems like just a prelude for things to come, so rent it and enjoy.
Public Enemies:: 2 and a half hours of Johnny Depp squinting will surely be enough for some women, but a little character development would have been nice for the rest of us. Dillinger shows more charm with the press and captives than with the woman he claims to love. Was Christian Bale in this too? You'd easily forget..and then nod off for a nap. A pointless movie with lots of loud guns. ~snore~
Ice Age 3:: Cute and funny, the newest installment of the Ice Age series picks up with the misfit herd expecting a little mammoth on the way when 3 eggs make the ugly sloth a mommy in his own right. This leads to Dino antics, a lost world below the ice and a Godsend named "Buck" who thankfully, hysterically steals the rest of the film. 3D offers little more than 2d.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen:: I'll kick this off with the oxi-moron of giant robots not looking real..at all. Further, when giant robots fight, it might be good to pull back a bit so I can actually SEE who is getting their ass kicked..if you could even tell most of the robots apart. Boring, ridiculous, stupid, pointless and anti-climactic round out my descriptive words. If possible, worse than the first.
Year One:: Ok, I'm already sick of these new comedies that play like improv skits wrapped around a premise. Every funny line in this movie, you've seen in the trailer. The rest is poo eating, farts, peeing, puking and a string of what Pete described as "funny people being ridiculously unfunny." Go see The Hangover again.
The Taking of Pelham 123:: Ever get the sense a script has been rewritten so many times that the bits that are left, slapped together with scotch tape make no sense at all? Welcome to John Travolta's impression of Bernie Mack..for nearly 2 hours..and his odd fascination with men's looks. Dumb, lifeless, boring and horribly directed. You'd have more fun watching 5 year olds make up the movie on the spot.
The Hangover:: So so so wrong and you'll love every minute of it. Perhaps a little too much man ass for my taste but hey, i'm sure there's a market for it. Think random events from a Will Ferrel movie without the retarded outbursts and scene hogging and then put an actual story in it. This ones a damn good time that will leave you laughing and quoting long after its over.
Drag Me to Hell:: Classic Raimi. You get extremely effective jump scares, use of creepy noises and an ultra dark tone, all spun into a twisted little tale perfect for Tales from the Crypt. You also get talking animals, snickering ghosts and a dancing demon who hogs up screen time as well as the expected gross outs and loony tunes gags. Not for everyone.
UP:: Fantastic animation and an extremely deep, well written story..which is not really what I'm looking for in a Pixar film. The 3D aspect is useless and it seems like half the movie is devoted to drama that's a MAJOR debbie downer. KID'S MOVIE FOLKS!! Let's see some happy for a change! None of the characters in Toy Story 3 better die or else I'm commin over there.
Terminator: Salvation:: It's the war we've been waiting for..except that we don't really get to see any war waged. What we do get is non stop action, nearly flawless CGI mechanisms and a level of intensity that just might have you leaving finger impressions in your arm rests. This is what summer movies are made of. Cue the EXPLOSIONS!!!
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian:: HOLY CRAP!! THEY HIRED WRITERS THIS TIME!! This sequel diverges from the formulaic kiddie fest of the first and delivers some hysterical moments from a range of characters that constantly prove surprising. Sure, the jokes run out and shmaltz takes over a bit, but overall, this is a great time at the movies. Shocking, I know.
Angels and Demons:: First off, I'm told they changed a LOT from the book so keep expectations low. Gone is the tension, danger, frantic pace and mystery of the first movie, replaced by a sort of tour of things the film makers tell you are relevant. Bland, kind of boring, predictable, overly dramatic and certainly not better than Da Vinci Code. Go if you need a nap.
Star Trek:: Loud, fast, funny..bright..obnoxious? Don't get me wrong, this is a damn good time, but the plot is dim and falls back to one 2 of Trek's classic fallback bailouts. Time travel. (the other is Borg) This Trek is a pretty little thing that makes loud noises but ain't too bright.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine:: If you can turn your brain off and enjoy a fairly dim, cinematically fantastic film with great action, you're in good shape. If you're a hardcore X-Men fan, this film may have you writhing in your seat like the first time you watched the toilet scene in Dream Catcher. Fun, but really..really..really dumb.
The Soloist:: Exactly what you expect it to be..a heart tugger with expert acting from Fox and Downey Jr. but there's not much to it. It's fairly good for what it is, but expect no surprises or cheering in the isles. No moment of ultimate triumph. Just a movie about two unlikely friends who help each other out. A nice thought.
Earth:: A crying shame this wasn't in HD, since the show looks phenomenal at home on cable, Very cute at times, touching, intense..all the best feelings. This does feel a little long and things don't end well all the time. I'm fairly surprised Disney would make such a serious animal film! Bit of a downer.
Crank 2:: For lack of a prettier way to put it, this movie is like attaching roach clips to your bits and pieces..the sensation feeling like eating chocolate ice cream on a warm breezy summer afternoon. In short, the movie is all wrong but it feels so good. SEE IT NOW!!
Monsters Vs Aliens:: By no means ground breaking but consistently fun, funny, eye catching, action packed and 3derifical! Also doesn't hurt that the movie gets the Colbert bump..with him playing the President with hysterical results. See this on a Saturday afternoon with friends.
Observe and Report:: Sometimes when we laugh at the insanity our friends pull off, it is more because we can't believe they did that shit. This movie is like that. Painful at times and unbelievable in others, causing inexplicable laughter. In between is the shame...and full frontal male nudity. This is not for everyone.
Fast and Furious:: Pulse pounding chases and nerve wracking crashes accompany a mind numbing plot and countless references to the original film. Diesel mugs a Riddick performance and Paul Walker is very Paul Walkery and it's all a ton of retarded fun. I DARE YOU to not like this movie!!
Knowing:: Cage races into battle against unknown forces to save people from things they can not run from or prevent!! Fantastic idea for a film. The creators do their best M. Night imitation as we follow ridiculous clues to an unsatisfying, laughable ending. Replace this film with good pizza.
I Love You Man:: At last! Someone makes a film about the difficulty of two men coming together in heterosexual dorky bliss. This movie is consistently funny and even re-creates the downer moment of a chick flick, done man style, making it pretty fucking funny as well. See it!
Last House on the Left:: Excellent build of tension, just the right amount of crazy, superb acting and unflinching, unrelenting violence make for the perfect storm. Stop thinking of this as a remake and look at it as a horror film...and a damn good one! Catch this on the big screen and do your best to catch your breathe.
Race to Witch Mountain:: Yea, it's a Disney movie, so we shouldn't expect much? Screw that. Something Wicked is still one of the creepiest movies ever made. This is a dumb movie with implausible escapes from elite government teams, two kids with super powers that barely use them, a terminator alien that does very little and the rock..who talks to himself a lot and seems to be half a second behind the action at times.
The Watchmen:: Who watches the Watchmen? Well you are all probably going to this weekend regardless, and despite some of the best acting across the board I've seen in a long time and several WOW moments, I bet half the mainstream public will still have something to complain about. A Monumental movie but not your average super fest. Be warned!
Wonder Woman:: The happy little, sugar coated amazon kingdom from the ancient tomes of DC comics get rocked! We get an amazing pg13 grudge match between Diana and the god of war with limb and head decapitation, monster war and the funniest drinking contest ever seen on a cartoon.
Friday the 13th:: Fast, Mean and dumb with lots of boobies per square inch. All the best things you could hope for in a brandie new Friday movie. Like the immensely dumb but good looking kid that goes out for a football pass and runs right into a tree. This is not shakespeare..it's just damn fun.
He's Just Not That Into You:: Formulaic, boring and most importantly..depressing!! Whyyyy do most "chick flicks" go horribly south half way through? Why can't we laugh the whole time? Are they saying pain is a woman's favorite state of being?? Yeesh. Crack a window and let this one fly away. Say no to movies that start funny and then bum you out.
Coraline:: Amazingly original, delightfully cute and then, astoundingly creepy! This movie does not waste a moment on anything not crucial to the story and excels in beautiful imagery you'll not soon forget, and will most likely constantly have you reminding yourself you are watching a stop motion puppet world. This is not film. This is a work of art. See it in 3D, the second it comes out.
...More reviews up in the blog!
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