Emily A. Cox

About me:

"Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication."
"It is when we can look at ourselves honestly, naked, & see past all the lies that we can see the truth, choosing not to judge ourselves, but to accept those parts of ourselves we disown. We come to accept that we are not perfect & that we make mistakes like anyone, but we hold ourselves to the highest integrity, fully accountable for our choices" -Excerpt from personal journal.

Make your own Countdown Clocks

For the first 23 years of my life, I was told to be a certain way, to perform, to put on a mask of exuberance. I was taught to always be cheerful, to always smile, to pretend you’re happy even if you’re not, and to pretend that everything’s okay. My family operated largely under the umbrella of denial; it was crazy-making at its best. From a very young age, my heart was broken because I learned that it was never okay to be yourself. I learned that external appearance mattered more than genuine self-expression, that personal integrity should be compromised in exchanged for self-compliance, and that reputation was the single-most important focus despite how false the means were at obtaining it. Reputation for my family was largely and frequently sought out in an effort to preserve a temporary, yet illusionary security. This preoccupation was the furthest thing from healthy living and resulted in much damage. A family that was by nature built on shambles could pass for “normal” so long as the image of “togetherness” was maintained. After years of conditioning I grew to believe this was in fact reality. The result was a way of coping, or behaving rather, of real yet superficial means of demonstrating competence that was very painful, only it took many years to recognize the extent of this pain. For years, rather than being valued for “me,” I learned that I was valued for what I did. I got the impression very early on that I must be someone else in order to be accepted. I learned to pursue the misconstrued values rewarded by my family members, namely my parents, and particularly those of my mother, which were both unrealistic and convoluted and vaingloriously linked to the expectations my older brother and sister, which I was often ruthlessly measured against in order to obtain any sense of personal value. For years, I was valued for my accomplishments and ability to maintain an attractive demeanor at the expense of my own True Self, which was unacknowledged and virtually unrecognizable at the time. I learned growing up that I was only as good as my last touchdown and that I would be loved according to what I brought home to the table. With this being said and due to my personal attributed testimony with intensive psychospiritual growth and help, it is my personal-held belief that once an individual loses touch with his/her True Self and has misidentified (a.k.a taken on the role) of a False Self and mistaken it for the actual Self, the individual can, through a series of steps, reclaim his/her True Self by first learning to recognize and identify the False Self and the maladaptive role it plays in alienating the True Self. Not being valued for my True Self was a very sad way to live because for many years my deepest needs, feelings, and desires were not being nourished. Rather, my False Self was receiving all the applause. I lived from a place that Carl Rogers would call “incongruence,” a place where the outside does not match the inside. My own authentic qualities were substituted and replaced for a more “acceptable,” luring, but counterfeit image necessary for survival. This was quite a sad way to live, and for many years I spent time after time trying to understand this in unhealthy ways. I would spend much time trying to gain people’s approval in an effort to preserve this “image” that had been created and so notably glorified in an underlying effort to be loved. I thought if I could just get the validation I’d always hoped and rightfully deserved then I would be valued and cherished and provided with unconditional love. The love that I had hoped for never came, for it continued to be misplaced. My image continued to be the most important means of warranting approval while my deepest feelings, needs, and desires remained largely unknown. I continued throughout the years to gain approval the only way I knew how-- by continuing to “perform.” I got the grades, got the rewards and awards, said and did all the “right” things that I believed would merit the necessary recognition; still, I was unhappy and underdeveloped without the slightest clue. I did not have access to the feelings buried deeply within my heart because I was so out of touch with that part of me. My heart had been deeply overlooked in exchange for approval of another Self; a Self that I eventually learned to mistake as my own (The False Self). The unfortunate result was living a life that was virtually non-existent, a life marred by pain. I was not aware of the insurmountable pain at the time and the extent to which my True Self had been repressed. My False Self nevertheless showed its colors when I found myself in a highly destructive relationship where issues of physical abuse were present along with psychological and spiritual, very similar to the very relationship I had with my mother. I had hit my “rock bottom.” I considered myself to be spiritually, physically, and emotionally “bankrupt” at this time. My faith in much of anything was virtually lacking. It was at this dark place where my life turned around. Through journaling and a battered women’s group I was attending, I was directed to Alanon—a 12 Step group that helps individuals reclaim their Selves. It was at this point that I can recall a light, which I strongly, personally attribute to the presence of God, or what some in the recovery field might call one's "Higher Self," was shun on me and made its way inside, and I was able to, for what felt like the very first time in every respect of the word, for a few short moments, see a glimpse of my own true beauty, and though only a glimpse, it was enough for me to know that I'm truly worthy and deserving of all the love that God has for me and that I've always had for myself but never known. I truly do believe that God was with me at this time and that it was his love and strength that allowed for me to open up my heart just enough to open myself up to the priceless gift of receiving love and of endless healing. I trusted in the universe and in myself and shifted the negative energy through the help of trusted friends, my higher self, and God, or “Higher Power.” Through this excruciating process I have learned to trust myself and to peel away all the layers built around my heart. I have learned to dissolve the layers bit by bit by letting God's light shine in. I have learned to trust again gradually, and am still in this process. I am still healing. I am nowhere close to perfect nor will I ever be because I don’t believe such reality exists; it's a journey I’m traveling. I am on a healing path and honor each day. Looking back, I realize that much of the fear I experienced during these painful moments was anticipatory fear: fear of the fear itself. I opened myself up to receiving and since this decision has been made, I have experienced God's light and graciousness. It is my belief that where there is light, there's love --and hope, and from this comes true strength and courage. From courage comes knowing, and from knowing comes wisdom. It is at this point that life can be experienced. It is at this moment that we are re-born. From the ashes arises something entirely new, a spirit so radiant that even he/she couldn't see all that they have become. "Born again," a star. The realization of one’s true nature. Some people never realize they’re living out of a False Self and they end up selling themselves short of their potential and creating unnecessary havoc for themselves and their families. Some individuals even choose to take their own lives. Individuals whose lives have been overtaken by the darkness and who were robbed of the most precious gift itself --Life-- are unfortunately all too common. I hope to shed light on the matter by continuing to share my own experience coupled with researchers’ expertise in hopes to shed light on the issue and spark change. All that I ask is that you have a heart that is willing and ears that are open to listening. Often people in crisis will give up on solutions because they believe they lack the resources to truly get the help they need, or they may not know who to turn to, or may be deeply afraid to reach out to others. For those whose are open to receiving, I will provide a resource that’s free —one that can potentially save lives; one that I believe can benefit everyone—the valuable tool of Self-Awareness.