Chelsea

About me:

Well, here come a whole lot of WORDS. I assume that if you're here then it's because you would like to know more about me, so at the risk of appearing overly self-involved, here you go.

- Me at a glance, according to some quiz I took (no I do not sit around on my high horse referring to myself as "intellectual"): secretive, organized, clean, rarely worries, solitary, high self control, dislikes large parties, prefers organized to unpredictable, prudent, observer, tough, self reliant, very good at saving money, introverted, perfectionist, mind over heart, not controlling of others, hard working, confident, resolute, does not make friends easily, finisher, does not like to stand out, very practical, intellectual, unsympathetic at times, honest, respects authority, follows the rules, cautious

- I graduated from CWU in 2005 with my B.S. in computer science. I am also an esteemed alumnus of Crazy Go Nuts University (CGNU), where "The Future Is You... Probably."

- I just bought my first house in Olympia and work at the Department of Revenue as a web developer. Many people seem to think that "web developer" means "Geek Squad freelancer who needs to fix my PC that I loaded with every form of spyware known to man but am convinced has been infected with the Y2K bug". This is not the case. However, it turns out that I actually enjoy troubleshooting technical problems and putting crap together, so I'll try to help how I can if you ask nicely. Another of my services is that I provide quick hints free of charge, such as this suggestion which will answer just about any question you could possibly have: JUST F*CKING GOOGLE IT.

- Sarcasm is a fun game that I frequently win. Don't challenge me, fool. I'LL FIGHT YOU.

- Cats are awesome and as of October '06, I GOTS me one -- a Somali baby (here she is, try not to explode)! Her name is Famke, and she is a little cheezburger. ♥

- Canada is decidedly not awesome, or a country, and I'll tell you why. The best thing about Canadians is how they demonstrate their national inferiority complex by devoting entire shows to self-righteously pointing out how little other countries care about them. This show features insecure Canadians trying (and failing) to make Americans look stupid, but the Canadians just end up looking like the US's jealous, zitty little brother, clamoring for attention and trying to achieve "victory" by detracting from another's accomplishments instead of achieving their own.

Canadians can't just be proud to be Canadian. They have to be proud NOT to be American, kind of like when you're a kid and you don't get the Super Robotron for Christmas (you got a pair of socks instead), so you pretend you like it while the neighborhood kids are all playing with their Super Robotrons and you nervously laugh "Yeah, I didn't want that anyway! I bet YOUR feet aren't as warm as mine" and make a complete idiot out of yourself. In conclusion, Canada should be destroyed by robots, and Christmas is great.



- I don't drink, smoke, dance on tabletops or sex boys. Amazingly enough, it turns out that being inebriated or treating the opposite sex as some hedonistic means to an end is not a requirement of having fun. If you insist on being one of those people who demands to know why I don't drink, I'll let you know as soon as you hand in your 5 page single-spaced report explaining why you DO drink. Bottom line: I won't push my lifestyle on you, so as long as you don't push yours on me and can live with the fact that not everyone shares the same moral code, just take a few deep breaths and everything will be fine.

- I do not have any tattoos, nor do I want any. I guess I just want to be as "authentic" as possible. The only piercings I have are one in my right ear and two in my left, and I have contemplated removing them because I never change my earrings. If I didn't look like a tragedy without make-up I probably wouldn't wear any of that either, but if wishes were horses then beggars would ride, so who cares I guess.

- The Simpsons was my favorite show ever before it became kinda lame. Nevertheless, Family Guy is not in the same league as and should not be mentioned in the same breath as The Simpsons. In fact, everyone responsible for Family Guy should basically be condemned to a lifetime of backbreaking physical labor and probably set on fire for good measure.

- I think it's funny when people put the last 10 movies that came out in theaters as their favorites in the "Movies" section, along with the ever creative "Da Vinci Code" in the "Books" section. Hope you're enjoying your steady diet of mainstream pop culture trash.

- I'm waiting for marriage. Yes, voluntarily. OMFG, who does that? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. Etc. So boys, still interested? Yeah, didn't think so. Try not to let the door hit your arse on the way out.

- Having said that, I don't know that I actually expect/desire to get married. In my experience so far, dating sucks absolutely massive balls, and observing married people generally makes me grateful to be single.



- I do not want to ever have kids. Since most people's reaction to this statement is the inevitable "Why not?!", I encourage you to ask yourself "Why should I?" I can't come up with a single good reason why I should, and I'm not in the practice of doing things I can't justify. If you can come up with an actual decent reason that isn't as sadly transparent and selfish as the ones on page 1 and page 2 of this list of reasons that people usually dole out when asked why they want kids, I'd love to hear it, and that's not sarcasm. I don't care either way if you have kids, but personally I'm not interested, and considering that the women in my family have a history of our reproductive organs blowing up (hello hysterectomies for my mom, aunt, and grandma) and I've already had surgery to remove a couple cysts that are intent on destroying my ovaries, soon enough I probably won't have much say in the matter.

- I am also well aware of the fact that my refusal to crap out the standard 2.5 kids makes me highly unmarketable in the eyes of the average single male who will apparently perish in effigy if I don't provide him the satisfaction of a horde of children to carry on his name. The way I see it, if you care that much about reproducing then you're not dating me; you're dating my uterus. You have nothing to offer me and don't really care about me as a person one bit. Go find some doe-eyed future homemaker whose loftiest ambition in life is to push out a dozen of your spawn. It sure as heck won't be me.

- I guarantee that my resolve will outlast yours when I've made up my mind on something. Feel free to criticize me or disagree with me as much as you want, and see how far it gets you :)

- I have a penchant for portmanteaus. And $5 dollar vocab words. And SUDDEN CAPITALS. If you hadn't noticed.



- I will never settle for less than exactly what I want, in anything. That does not mean I'm a diva; I'm just saying that I will always achieve the goals and meet the standards that I set for myself, and I'll do it without depending upon anyone else for anything along the way. Settling is for chumps and it's not my bag, baby.

- I am not easily impressed and am stingy with compliments as I feel that most people blindly ladle out heaping spoonfuls of praise in keeping with the terribly flawed concept that maintaining a person's bloated sense of self-worth is more important than the quality of anything they do. As such, if you do receive a compliment from me, please be assured that I'm not just blowing smoke up your arse.

- A few random thoughts: I believe that the people who do the most talking frequently have the least to say. I believe you shouldn't start anything you can't finish. I believe that life is usually fair, and if you think it's not then you probably have difficulty recognizing the relationship between cause and effect. I believe that blame-shifting is the new American pastime, and about 95 percent of the things that people generally blame on others or outside "circumstances" are actually their own fault. I don't believe people should mindlessly complain about their lives; either do something about the things you don't like or sit down and shut up. I don't believe in karma or any other concept that implies that you can sit around doing nothing when bad things happen because some mystical power is eventually going to enforce justice. I believe that despite all the sentimental value attached to them, intentions ultimately mean nothing without results.

- I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. Can't stress this enough!

- If you've actually read this far, I guess you must find me interesting somehow. Score!

Layout created by me.