Andrew Hart

so i miss you... just thought you should know.

god. things are weird.

i'm so..SO bored. it's like, everyone else has stuff to do. koren has her kids, plants, cats, housework, etc. jason has. whatever the hell it is he does. and...i have nothing. at least nothing that is MINE. it feels so strange. i feel so out of place. i get sad a lot too.

and it's only been a week. but i'm trying really hard to stick it out. they still haven't figured out their long distance. but jason's grandmother is working on getting us broadband. she's a cool old lady like that. crazy as hell but she loves to spend money on other people. so then i'll be able to actually use my own computer. it makes me so sad to see it just sitting there. while i'm forced to use this piece of crap ancient monster.

i sleep in the kids' room. surrounded by toys and stuff. and alannah has decided that it's cool to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night. she misses my mom and dad's house too. so we get sad together. makes me feel a little better.

i saw my dad yesterday. when they got back from massachusetts. he's being really nice to me. supportive or something. and he promised not to tear apart my room yet. so i'll still be able to go back if things really start to not work out. i am planning on at least sticking it out for the summer though. at least. maybe then i'll have another plan. i dunno.

you should send me your number. i'm collecting everyone's. so when they get their long distance sorted out, i'll have at least the option of calling people i know and like and understand and yeah. people who are like...mine. yeah. shhh. it makes sense to me. so send it. i dunno if i'll call you or not. but i want it just in case.

ily!<3

This friday i'm doing the photobooth at static electro. let me know if you want to be on the guestlist.

i think that is a perfect wedding date. it's when the world is supposed to end, isn't it? so we can spend the end of the world getting married! perfect backdrop for the wedding album. har.

i moved out of my parents' house. yeah. wow. i know. but my dad flipped his shit on me like he's never done before. it was really terrible. i couldn't stay there anymore. especially not without koren and the girls there. it was about time i left. so now i've moved into koren's. yeah... i know. totally goes against what i wanted. but dealing with the craziness here and with jason (who is actually being decent and kissing ass) is actually a lot easier than dealing with my parents. i couldn't do it anymore. really couldn't. so now i'm here. typing on jason's super ghettobox of a computer. the keyboard is like, from the 80's or something. i swear to god. so old. and clunky and loud. but i've got my computer here. we just have to sort out the internet situation. he's going to be getting broadband soon. which will be awesome. right now he's got some kind of faster than normal, but still slow, dial-up going on. oh well.

i still haven't spoken to my parents. not since i left. so about 3 days now. i dunno. i barely remember the past couple days. it's been crazy. koren and i basically broke into the house yesterday and got the stuff i absolutely need for now and i plan on eventually calling my mother to tell her not to touch the rest of my stuff. i need to find out how much a storage unit somewhere will cost so i can pack up the rest of my shit and store it somewhere. like my books. jesus. i can't think about that now.

i'm going to be working on stuff for jason. he's got involved with one of those "SELL FROM HOME AND MAKE A MILLION BUCKS!" schemes. it's actually quite neat. and he's already made a decent amount of money. i don't know how people are finding the spare cash for novelties in this economy. but they are. and he's got a website that needs to be designed

i'm sorry for the comment about money. kind of slaps my other comment about being poor in the face. i know. i just had a real lousy 20 minutes after i woke up.

i'm not much better right now. i'm actually a mess. ahaha. dude. i've been talking to myself and crying for the past half hour. so pathetic. but it doesn't have to do with money! that's good! but. the real cause isn't much better than money.

i think i'm losing myself again. for about... 5 months, i was feeling good. i felt like myself. i felt interesting again. i was happy. so happy. you know? but lately... it's kind of going away. and i'm falling back into not knowing even who i am. i feel like i'm losing my entire identity again. within 3 days. i've fallen apart. maybe it's just been a bad week and i can't handle it. i dunno. and what makes it all worse is...i can't figure out what made me feel good in the first place. a few things happened at once and.. i don't know which one was the real catalyst. none of them would make me feel any better. they're all completely unhealthy and honestly quite fucked up. whcih makes me feel like... i can't feel good unless i have some kind of screwed up thing in my life. whether it's...drugs, some kind of completely dysfunctional relationship, or just a total mental breakdown. and if someone needs that sort of thing to be happy... what does that say about them? are they a bad person? am i? i hate asking myself those questions because i'm terrifed of the answers. i don't want to figure out how awful i am. but i can't stop thinking about it.

and now. i still have the drugs. the mental breakdown is obviously still going strong, in the wrong direction, but at least it's still alive. but the fucked up dysfunctional confusing unhealthy relationship is. gone. i'm nearly sure of it. but i'm not sure what it was, exactly. i don't even think it was a friendship. it was basically on the same level as the drugs, i think. you use them to feel something. and

207-594-4871

yeah. you told me before. mine was john wayne.

my hair is burgundy.

i'm sorry.

yay for continued comments! okay...

the thing about being poor is.. everything becomes about money eventually. getting it, keeping it, whatever. and i cannot stand living that way. you can have the goal of being financially secure, great. but when it starts to be your entire life, when you can't appreciate anything that isn't about money, you've already blown it. people don't seem to know when to step back and be like "oh well shit. i've gotten really boring." if i don't have money, i usually don't get upset until everyone around me makes life about that lack of money. and then i freak out and panic. before that, i go out of my way to be happy with ridiculous little things. silly stuff that money doesn't touch. and even when everyone is freaking out, i'm usually standing there going "but guys! OMG GUYS! HEY. we have eachother! we're funny people! C'MON! I HATE YOU ALLLLL." yup. doesn't help much. but i just can't stand feeling like everything is falling apart just because we have no money.

ugh. anyway. i think you can have practical goals and still keep some dreams. cause the dreams make achieving the goals a little more worthwhile. they push you a little harder. that's what i think, at least. mhm. yup. so i'm gonna keep thinking you and i can just pick up and run away somewhere and start some kind of amazing new life and that everything will be wonderful and fun. cause it makes me happy. can'tstopme! and i would try not to ruin your life, or suffocate you, while i judge you. plus, we only have about 100 years before the galapagos disappear. we gotta get our acts together, pookie.

yes. call me. srsly.
207-594-4871.
i will keep posting it til you call. it's on.

today has been strange.

well, last night my mom decided to inform me that i am the reason she comes home from work and locks herself in her room and sleeps all night. apparently i am that big of a bitch. or something. when, in reality, she just takes every single word that comes out of my mouth the wrong way. she twists it around and makes it into some kind of horrible mean awful insult against her, specifically. when it isn't. ever. well, mostly ever.

so now she is treating me like i'm.. i don't even know. it's fucking strange. so i'm just trying to live up to the insane bitch expectations she clearly has for me. i hope i'm doing it right. gosh, i wanna be the bitch she thinks i am.

and...jason took all of koren's money this month. to "pay the rent". on the apartment she isn't even living in anymore. and the landlady just called and told koren that he never paid the rent and that there has been some "tall blonde girl" at the apartment a lot lately. nice, right? yeah. she also said that "there's been a lot of traffic lately", which means he's been having a ton of people in and out. which kind of sounds like he's back to the whole "BADASS DRUGLORD!!" thing. maybe he'll get busted again. let's hope! let's hope real hard! PRAY.

uhhh. oh! when we have kids. we need to name the girl ava. i don't care what you think or say or want. she will be ava. if you refuse, i will divorce you and burn down the house.

i think that's all. are you mad at me?

oh. also. she would like for you to go out and hunt some orchids. take them. with the roots. and mail them to her.

crap. i know. i never mailed your letters.