Bio:
Andy Haynes was born in a eagle's nest in the Wenatchee National Forest, about fifty miles east of Seattle, WA. When he was eight days old, he could speak twenty-seven languages, and had been offered a contract with the Seahawks to play tight-end, but refused so he could follow a career in being a baby, which he is very successful at.
He grew up on a diet of organic vegetables, river caught salmon and red wine, because both of his parents were alcoholic Kodiak Grizzly bears. Andy is far less hairy, and he has never killed a park ranger.
He was nominated for his first Emmy award for his depiction of Alf on Telemundo, but was actually given the Tony for his role of Fivel in An American Tale, the stage version. The album went double platinum; the hit single was his duet with Bette Middler, followed by a collabo with the Fat Boyz.
He passed the 12th grade when he was two and half, and received his PhD in Socio Linguistic when he turned six, the television show Doogie Howser was actually based on his life, only changed for privacy reasons. After publishing his first book, Reaganomics: When Stupid People Count, he served as the Minister of Agriculture for the Island Nation of Grenada, and then as the military attache to Raul Castro, Cuba's Defense Secretary, and brother of Fidel, el Comandante.
After an assassination attempt by the Shining Path, Andy returned to the United States, but actually liked Canada more, so he relocated to Montreal. There he met his first, of six wives, Selena Dion, the Mexican-French-Canadian pop singer. She had twin boys on Andy's thirteenth birthday. Only to be topped by Andy's first of six Stanley Cups as general manager of the Montreal Canadiens.
In 1993, Andy returned to the states to record his first solo album, under the alias Ahmad, and the hit single, "Back in the Day," went triple platinum, but otherwise the album was a failure. Defeated, Andy divorced Selena, returned to his mother's home, and entered the ninth grade at Garfield High School, under the auspices of being just like any other awkward fourteen year old. For the next eight years he would live under this veil of normalcy, never revealing his true identity, just occasionally making appearances at small casinos, college seminars, and very seldomly attending UN Security Council meetings, which he is a life long member. Did I mention he won a nobel peace prize?
Anyhow, after a bout with alcoholism, being a pothead. finding god, losing him, breaking up with his girlfriend, marrying a stranger, graduating from college again, joining G-Unit, beefing, leaving G-Unit, and going to Central America, starting a popular revolt, Andy has realized that life is to short to be extraordinary. So since he's kind of funny, and he likes to hear him self talk, he has picked up a fledgling career as a standup comedian, which he subsidizes as being a US Congressman, (415th district, where my bitches at?). If you want to meet the mythic man, bear-child, world traveller, master lover, and all around liar, you can see him at snobby coffeeshops and divey bars all around the D.C./tri-state area. Member Since:
August 25, 2005Influences:
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Sounds Like:
when doves cry...
Record Label:
Trinity Christian Broadcasting Network Records
