Anthony Payne

misss u tony... ready lisas hallowen story reminded me of one of the times u were at my house and found a scream mask, and i told u how i alwasy scare ken... and u pretty much did the same thing tricked ken to go out side and hid and chased him all down the block while hes screamming and crying. lol love u tony. missss u soo much more. love ur fav cuz. MUAH

Wow! Halloween Stories? Hmmmm, which one should I share? I know....Anthony being the oldest brother always took great pride in carrying out his big brother role, especially the one of tormenting his brothers every chance he could..(He always did it in love however) :). Anyways, Anthony owned a very 'real' looking gorilla mask and it just so happened that Christian and Shawn were terrified of "King Kong". Every time Anthony was trying to get a rise out of them, he would pound on the walls or have Ryan bang on the doors, and Anthony would scream "It's King Kong" and Shawn and Christian would bolt to where ever I was. One night, Anthony took the boys to a Buddist Temple which was directly behind our house. They (Anthony, Ryan, Shawn, and Christian) climbed the wall and Anthony told Shawn and Christian that they had to stay there and be as quiet as they could. Well the boys were very young and just standing alone in the dark in the back of a Buddist Temple could be frightening enough, but not enough for Anthony. Ryan and him hopped back over the fence and left the boys there. When they returned (a few seconds later) Ryan stayed in the back ground making all of the scary noises while Anthony hopped back over the fence wearing his King Kong mask. Of course, Shawn and Christian probably are scarred for life from the episode. Anthony usually liked to hang out with the girls whenever our church had their annual "Hallulujah" party. As he got older, I remember how fun he was when he passed out the candy to all of the trick or treaters. He was always so good with kids. Macho man himself told little girls and boys how 'cute' they looked or pretended to be frightened by their scary costumes. I miss him so much! I would give anything to have him help us pass out candy this year, or even better to open the front door with him standing there saying "TRICK OR TREAT"
Sure do love you son and missing you like crazy :) MOM

It is always sad to see Lisa and Gary leave. Like taking a part the part of Anthony that is left with you. If that makes any sence.  Raining today. Monday the 19. Soon to be Nov!!! how unreal. I still think our DA stinks on so much of thier reasoning, Oh Well justis comes in many forms and may not be ours for now. It just seems that thier are so many chance meetings with people from all over that keep going back to Our Boy. Lisa you need to tell about the one in your resent travels.
Love to you all, Gma Charlene
Rachel............................................Emlay....................Got Fox's phone number.....lol

Hi Anthony. Well today turned out to be quite a special day for me...the best I've had in quite some time. The Women's ministry at church asked me to be a part of a team of 4 to go to Dallas, Texas in January. While there I will get to hang out with the Women of Faith speaking team. It is an all expense paid trip and I just can't even express how excited I am. I love all of the speakers on the Women of Faith team and to think that I will get to meet them just absolutely blows me away. Who says that God doesn't make dream come true.
I spoke with our women's pastor last week and I think in just a very short time, I will be able to start a support group for parent's that have suffered loss of a precious child. Anthony, you have given me so much to be proud of in this life and you have added to all that I look forward to in our future life in heaven. I can't wait to see you again.
The boys and I watched your video together tonight. It is Gary's and my 8th year anniversary. I remember our wedding day so well. You actually let your hair grow just for me when I asked you too. I remember how fast you got out of your tux and how mad I was because you changed into that ugly Mudvayne shirt...not really made just thought you looked so handsome in your tux. I also remember on the money dance when people were in line to dance with me and they put a little money in a special bag as a gift to the bride and groom, remember how funny it was because you wanted me to pay you to dance with me. You were such a brat sometimes...nevertheless you did dance with me and you did it for free. I will remember that dance forever and have pictures to prove it. I love you son. I miss you so very much!

Yeah Charlene, I remember. Haha.. Then I started talking to you, after he just told me he was bringing you to apple hill, and you were telling me how much you didnt like apples. Ha... After that I figured it was somethin else. Because as soon as my boss saw Anthony she had me go on lunch and it was way earlier than normal. So I figured they were teaming up. 
And Lisa, High hill is going great. Im workin full time now. But the economy is definatly takin its toll on the business there too tho. We are bringing in about a 3rd less than normal for this time of year. THey think it just might be the heat. But im just glad I have a job!! Love you Anthony & MIss you!!

Lord, I miss my son so much these days. Please help us make it through to the other end of this life. Please help us to see the good that you are working through this devastation. The days seem to be long and exhausting and the nights seem to be so difficult again. I miss Anthony's laugh and I miss his playful ways. I miss the way he moved and I miss his phone calls. I miss his voice and I miss his hugs. I miss sharing my life with him and I miss hearing how is days are going. I miss hearing about his growth and I miss hearing about his struggles. I miss everything about him and I miss the way our lives were when he was here. Please help our family; we all miss him and we all carry around this hole in our hearts. Please be with me in the upcoming days as I develop my new talk for the women's retreat. Please give me the right words that will bring you glory and honor and also allow me to share in an incredible way that truly honors Anthony. That would have made him proud. Please hug my son real tight and tell him how much his mom misses him and loves him with all of her heart. Thank you that this love will never end...because love is stronger than death. Thank you that Anthony touched so many people while he lived and even in his death. Thank you that you are teaching me so many important things through this. Thank you for the almost 24 years that you blessed my life with Anthony and for the many ways he continues to shine and the many ways he has and is making me a stronger and better person. Please tell him I love him with all of my heart. In Jesus name, Amen :)

I agree with you on that one Lisa. He did think he was invincible and he some how got me to start believing he was also. I have said that ever since he died. I just wanted to say I love you and I am sorry I wasnt there like we talked about before! About the 2 most important women in his life at that time helping eachother get thru it. It didnt happen like I had pictured! But then again I guess I dealt with it different than ANY one thought I would, even myself! But I am here 100%  now and I love all of you guys! And thank you guys for being there 4 me as much as I let everyone. I guess I wasnt the easiest person to help cuz I wouldnt except it. ANd I do have to say that making that call to you was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and probably ever will do! Love you guys! ANd I always miss and love you ANthony!!!

just want to tell you i love you sooooo freaking much tony face!

Im just gettin ready for bed and wanted to say i love you and miss you. And i hope your doing better Lisa. Ive been havin a lil bit of a hard time lately too.

So another part of my story on the day of Kacies ride, We walked into the building and bought Raffel tickets. I looked at Jack and said wow I would really like to win one of Merrilees Tye dye shirts. so during the raffeling off of everything our name was drawn and guess what, I won one of the shirts, and after I loose 10pounds it will look great!!!! I normaly win nothing.  So we are still outside and they are pulling some really big raffel prizes, there were so "many" and we win the next raffel...I think oh my God, Anthony is still in the universe still trying to convice his gma to get a Tatoo. It was a gift certificate for a $300 Tatoo......Well Thanks Anthony on that gift, still not sure that you are going to convince me to get a Tatoo.! Ya little shit.  
Later in the evening we are sitting at home , after our awsome day. WAtching tv. and suddenly I am sick, enough to call 911. heart rate has dropped to 36 and I am going in and out of the attacks as I am calling them, I am in Ambulance and Nick asked what we did for the day. I told him the above story and said well we are just not tatoo old people.....but all my kids are. Then he told me he knew of the accident, and he said I should go and do it.....he had them all over back shoulders legs I just could not see them because he did not want the public he works with to be uncomfortable.  I think Anthony again was at work.....Again the little shit....can you just see him smiling down with that look.
We never did find out why the 36 heart rate and attacks, I was released and just told to follow up with my other doctors. I seem to be just fine in that area.
I too ,Lisa ,feel like I am just falling apart.  I am sure it has not help with the stress that is coming to a head in our marriage right now. It seems very hard at times to be able to hold ourselves together and even more it seems strange that I still am.  Reaching out for help, and making sure it is not just emotional, is really all we can do. 
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On sept 12,09, I woke up and shortly after, I could hear the rummble from all the motor bikes going on up the freeway, every 10min or so 25 or more bikes roared past.  For approx a hour they traveled up thier route over the mountain and then south and then back down the mountain.  I had wished that Anthony could have gone with them. It reminded me of Anthony.  You see this was Kacie's Ride for Hope. Met her brother Pat in the grief group  that I go to. They were doing thier fourth year raising money for Domestic Violance. Which is about when Pat's sister died.  There must have been at least 500 bikes.  As they finished riding on up the hill, Jack and I got ready to roll on down the hill to go to thier finial place, in Diamond Springs at the fire department.  Where they had a live band, all you could eat of great BarBQ, so many raffel iteams they even ran out of time to try and get to them all given out. All donated. www.kaciesrideforhope.com is a place to go to read all about the ride, for next year of corse....I was happy to have Jack going with me.  We sat with many new friends that I have met threw the great grief group I go too. Suddlen Lose Group, Placerivlle. I met one lady named Liz talking to Earling the person who started the group.
As we drove down the hill the skys were full of rain clouds, and lightning was over the valley. I thought of the family hoping that they had enjoying thier day at a air force base watching a show. In spite of some rain, It was a beautiful day, for a ride. Thought of all my family hoping they were all enjoying the great day.

Hi Anthony, Well today has been another emotional day. I don't know, they just seem to sneak in and hit me when I'm not expecting them. I went to church and the music just both encouraged me as well as made me realize again just how hard life can be...especially since you've been gone. The words in one song said something about that God never promised that the cross wouldn't be heavy but He did promise to never leave us. The next verse was about going through the fire (storms) and yet we never walk a single step alone. I just miss the way my life used to be. I know deep inside that God is doing something good through all of this but at face value, I just loved my life so much when you were here. It seems like I could handle things better then. Now anything, an argument with Gary, a messy house, a long work week, the 'sassyness' of your brothers (from time to time)...so many things just trigger this pain inside and in no time, I'm crying again. Common sense tells me this experience will and is making me stronger but I never signed up for 'stronger'...not like this. I went to Women of Faith conference this weekend and while I always love the conference, I found myself saying over and over...you don't know my story, you don't know what it's like to lose a child that is such a profound part of my life...and yet all along I know that Jesus knows how this hurts. I also know that others know this pain and that I'm really not alone...not ever.
I think if I could have one wish Anthony, I'd ask to spend one day with you to make sure that you are absolutely ok. I'd make sure that you know just how very much I love you and just how very proud you have made me. I know that this desire is something that I can never have, not at least until I get to Heaven and I know that you would want all of us to keep living our lives to the best of our ability and we will. I just miss everything about you.
It seems clear to me that you shine brighter now than you ever have before. Tha