is right behind youMood: mellow
Posted at 1:49 PM Jul 14, 2007 view more
I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. In fact, I'm a guy. I'm here at my blog most every day.
Also this:
I think this guy that I talk to at the coffee shop every now and then might be the devil. He claims to be an old farmer who lost his farm, but I think that might just be a metaphor. He sits there in his overalls, sipping his coffee, and doesn't say much unless someone approaches him. If you do, however, he'll talk in friendly wistful tones about everything he can remember about his former life. He never talks about the present, or the future, only the past, as though he is a soul waiting to be retired or, maybe, reincarnated. No plans for world domination. No evil plots. Just a sense of loss, a little nostalgia, and a waiting for the end. I sure hope he's the devil. That wouldn't be so bad.
I also do sketches. Here's one:
You can see more of my sketches here. Stop by and see me. Or drop me a line.
Hello.
my eyes and back are sore and my throat is dry my mind was racing for hours hours ago but now i cannot think i only toss and turn and i hate this place where everything is too hard or too cold where the water doesn't taste right where the sounds in the night are unfamiliar and unexplained and i want so much to be elsewhere i want to be much closer to that place where i belong that soft, cool place, just below your breasts at the end of that subtle line that curves down from your ribs across the pale, smooth skin of your stomach and beyond to lay my cheek in that place to fall and rise with each breath and be where i belong and sleep
I’ve never been able to fly in my dreams, but I have been able to walk really big. I can remember the feeling of taking these huge steps. The best way to describe it is that you pull your foot up from the ground as in a normal step, but you don’t stop pulling. Your foot comes farther and farther off the ground, until you’re way up in the air. When you stop pulling upward, you come back down in a controlled arc to the ground, planting your foot to complete the step. Then you swing the other foot forward and begin to pull it upward, rising into the air. Some more astute walkers may argue, “That’s not walking, that’s running, because you’re not touching the ground. In order to qualify as walking, one foot has to remain on the ground.” Here’s the thing, your back foot does stay on the ground. You take giant steps over fields, buildings, even entire towns, but your back foot is still on the ground. Some will ask, “So your back leg just stretches out really long?” Well, no, not really. When I picture it in my mind, my legs look normal, not stretched out in any way. Nevertheless, I’m taking gigantic steps. I’m not really sure how it works, but I can assure you that it does – at least in my dreams. How? Again, I’m not sure, but I have a theory. I think physics works very differently in the dream world. I haven’t been able to prove this yet, but I’m working on it. Progress is slow – one small step at a time. That’s how it is in the real world.
perfect for weeds, I guess, but not perfect for Saint Augustine grass. In bad fiction, or at least simple fiction, everything has exactly one purpose. There is nothing that has no purpose, and nothing that has more than one purpose. I wonder if a serial killer was ever also a humanitarian, in his other life, in the life where no one can believe it was him that committed those horrible atrocities. If so, I wonder which side of him was real and which was fake? Maybe he was really a humanitarian at heart but became a serial murderer to fit in. Why does a woman get into amazingly fit shape, put on a slinky revealing black dress and long leather boots that grip her legs and come hang out at a Starbucks Coffee? What does she want? To look good? To look sexy? Does she want attention? Does she dread the men that might approach her? Did she just dress that way because it pleases her aesthetically even though she abhors the attention it gains? Maybe it’s just incredibly comfortable. I think I have come to believe that a lot of people are perfect. A lot of things are perfect. If a tree grows tall, puts out branches, produces foliage and fruit, then it is a perfect tree. If a man tries to take care of himself, tries to be good to the other people in his life, tries to take care of his responsibilities, that man is a perfect man. Or maybe I’m redefining perfect. It’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong. It’s easy to know what is right and what is left, but it’s entirely relative.I used to be in a band called Beige Floyd. I think you could best describe our style as “Acid Easy Listening”, although some have called it “Country and Eastern”. We shunned classical notions of rhythm and tonality in favor of what we called “geometric relationships of frequency”. We used three drum sets, a harmonica, a rain stick, a washboard, a sousaphone and six electric guitars tuned to alternating parallel fifths to explore the spaces between classical harmonies and dissonant boundaries. Our one and only album, called “One Man’s Trash”, was a big hit among members of the band. The world was not ready for so radical a departure from the provincial, tribal beats to which it is accustomed, however, and so we had to disband about ten minutes into our first gig.
We have toyed with the idea of a reunion, but our members have scattered out to the corners of the city. One moved to Colorado. Occasionally I hear a new song on the radio and detect a hint of the classic Beige Floyd sound. It always makes me proud to have been a part of something bigger than myself, however briefly.
Oh well, life goes on. Things change. It’s like that line from the third song on “One Man’s Trash”. I don’t remember the name of the song, but the lyric says it all:
“Life goes on. Things change.”
Amen, dudes. Amen.
The sky billows in blurry grey. The wind moves and stops, sprinting around tall buildings and then resting, wandering sidewalks, gathering short-lived resolve, bursting across streets and then rethinking. Here and there leaves and papers dance in the indecision. The soil in the concrete flower boxes, like the grass and the pavement, is wet with dew or recent drizzling rain. The air is cool, with patches of cold. The sun is more an influence than a presence, the daytime more a suggestion than a decision. The naked branches sway like wooden grass, like new dancers who have not yet learned the rhythm to stay together. Birds are scattered here or there, walking the wet pavement, not flying above, hopping alone, not in groups, glancing furtively around and feeling a bit out of context. People walk by, alone or in couples, but not talking. Some move quickly, missing the sun. Some stroll slowly, loving the day, watching it all, feeling alive.
We are the people of the grey. We dream of London streets on cool, foggy mornings, or the coffee shops of Seattle, or the campfire when you can see your breath as clearly as the woody smoke. We wear wool flat caps and jackets, flannel shirts and scarves, warm boots and gloves. We are Tolkein in tweed smoking his pipe; we are characters from a Jack London novel. We spend the summer in hiding, coming out only at night. We bloom in the winter, petals of grey and black, wool and down and cotton.
I am one of these, and I feel reborn today. Sitting at a sidewalk table downtown, having sipped only steaming hot coffee, I am intoxicated and I remember what I forgot long ago: anything is possible, even magic. The grey cold reminds me of this, for reasons I cannot describe. Maybe because every breath looks like a spirit, escaping the body and dissolving into the world around. Maybe it is the orange and black of Halloween draped across the city. The late fall and winter make it seem possible that there are more things in this world than meet the eye. There is a spirit in every shadow, faeries and ghosts, gnomes and elves and familiars. There are gods and heroes from myths and legends. There is good and evil in all of us, and a million stories to explain them, and a million rituals to keep them in check. There are Druids far across the ocean, through the trees, fading in and out of the early morning fog. There are fires burning, carrying incense and offerings heavenward past shrines, totems and steeples. There are a million different unclear ideas of good and evil, a million different versions of black and white, rising with the spirits and smoke into the heavens.
The sky billows in blurry grey.
