Braden Johnson: Bass..
Michael Fancy: Guitar..
Amos Joseph: Drums..
Gustax: Vocals, Shovel, Staff of Doom..
Madison Vetter: Puppets, Vocals, everything else
Influences
Aaaah...Influences. How does one even begin to answer this question? To simply make an abbreviated list of all the things that inspire us would be cheap. I know that Amos' musical batteries are recharged everytime he takes a long hot bubble bath with a good cigar and a glass of chilled apple juice. Brady, on the other hand seems revieved after long cocaine binges and vigorous vacuuming and srubbing. Michael and Gustax prefer to find inspiration during lazy afternoon rides on their custom-built bicycle for two and stealing cigarettes. One thing is for certain: We all love our assult rifles very much!!!
Being asked to write the biography of a relatively new band might ordinarily leave me wondering what I might possibly have to say? Not so with newcomers Awesome Dirtbike, who have formed an amazing new band around a dirtbike that you can ride.... THROUGH SPACE.
Well, let's be honest here, YOU can't ride it through anywhere, but a handful of earnest musicians with vague, half remembered dreams in their cynical, stoned eyes have done just that and are here to tell the tale with songs about all the dumb shit they saw while they were drunkenly cruising among the stars.
The story began on one of those long Sunday afternoons back in simpler times when old people would sit on porches, sipping lemonade and shaking their canes at young people with too much hair cruising up and down the highways on their choppers, while up above, clouds floated lazily by on a refreshing summer breeze. For little Gustax, life was much like a Norman Rockwell painting - in fact, his parents often had to chase Rockwell off of their property with elephant guns, but this did little, if anything, to disturb their idyllic country lifestyle.
Unfortunately, on this particular Sunday, disaster struck young Gustax like a kick to the junk. He was sitting on his bed listening to some worn out Herb Alpert records with his closest friend, Michael Decatur, who, despite having way too much hair, had not been scared off by the aforementioned cane-wielding old people. Right as Herb did something particularly obnoxious with his trumpet, Gustax's pet frog, Billy, made an incredible leap out of his glass tank and onto the window ledge at the other end of the room. He took one look back as if unsure, and then continued out into the front yard.
"BILLY!", Gustax yelled, throwing his record player into the wall with a crash as he jumped from the bed. He chased his beloved pet right out the window, arms flailing, smashing his gigantic frame through wood and glass and leaving an outline of his entire body in the wall as he went. As he rounded the side of the house, he could only look on, horrified, as Billy sprang into an extremely wide, previously unnoticed hole near the garage. Having no other choice, Gustax took a deep breath and jumped in after, with Michael close behind.
What Gustax found at the bottom of that hole made him completely forget about his pet frog, as well as his sprained ankle and Michael's broken shin. It stood before them, a machine from another time and place, a full story tall, with tires as wide as Gustax's shoulders, its chrome reflecting the dim light in a hundred directions so that the entire place was lit up like noon. Gustax knew without stopping to think that he was the only man on earth that could ride this beast, and at that moment, he realized that his destiny was to pilot AWESOME DIRTBIKE across time and space (it also goes through time).
Over the years, several people have come and gone in the world of AWESOME DIRTBIKE, including when Gustax had been calling the project Bear Eats Fish, a name discovered when the dirtbike was taken on vacation in Wisconsin, where it was said to have literally scared the piss right out of several locals. Unfortunately, before the project had been renamed to AWESOME DIRTBIKE, members Deejay Sharton (why is this guy always in my fucking biographies) and Mat Kiester went blind drinking on a planet in the Alpha Centauri system and fell from the dirtbike on the way home to Earth. Sadly, Gustax didn't hear their cries of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" as they fell away, and no one has seen either of them since.
Others who have ridden the dirtbike include:
Amos Joseph (drums) - Amos hitched a ride near Tijuana after a four day bender he doesn't recall, during which time he shot three Federales. That's almost one Federale a DAY, people.
Braden Johnson (bass) - Brady was picked up while serving a 15 year sentence in the Nebraska State Penitentiary for Aggravated Forgery. Gustax drove AWESOME DIRTBIKE right through the wall of the prison and snatched him away. It was a very stealthy operation.
Madison Vetter (guest vocals) - No one remembers where Madison was picked up, including Madison, but he has been riding the dirtbike for damn near fifteen years. He has spent most of those years cursing, drinking beer, and shooting any man who looks at him cross-eyed.
Additionally, it is rumored that I myself may ride the dirtbike at a point in the very near future, an honor bestowed on but a few. For you see, I am Colonel Samuel Trautman, United States Special Forces, and the galaxy desperately needs my assistance. Thanks for reading my biography
Sup thar ya'ole possum blubber gurglin belly slappin whisky guzzlin rip snortin double fistin char broilin wolf howlin fire breathin gas passin womanizin scallywags from down where the sheep aren't just scared they're receivin compensation from the organization Mothers Against Sore Asses (MASA). Hows it goin? Well if yer wonderin about ole Billy I got ta git to the doc, I was a takin a wiz in the lake and a snapper jumped up and clamped on to ole willy, aw it's nothin, aint near as bad as what my 4th wife done to me. I might be laid up fer a wlile in gettin ya that goats milk I promised ya. See I thought I'd have er, I was out at the beach in California and swore I saw an old nanny so I grabed my pail and started milkin but turns out that ole goat had a name. Hell she started screamin, said she was Pamela Anderson and was gonna call the cops on me. Hell I thought she was an old goat that was all bloated up cuz there wasn't no one around ta milk er. Hell I still think she needed some milkin why them thangs are all bloated up like farmer grimes's melon patch (I know he steals fertilizer out a my outhouse ta make his crops so damn big) anyway ill have ta git back with ya less ya want the milk I got outa her....aw hell you won't want it, the damn stuff tasts like plastic. Billy
Howdy all ole Billy here again, well I just wanted to take some time to plug a new product I got out. I call t: Billy's wonder soap extravaganza!! See my greatgrandpappy canned a whole celler full of pig lard in 1879, mix that with a couple of my secret ingredients and wahlalala, you got the best damn soap this side of the Florida keys (I never did figer out why ya need a damn key ta git into Florida, who the hell'd want ta go there anyway) It's great soap but ya got to use it fast cuz it gets all maggoty and before ya know it yer sittin in church and flies start a hatchin and a flyin right out of yer armpits. Anyway ya'll watch my infomercial on PBS nd I'll get ya a real good deal. Blessins Billy
Well hows it goin thar dirtbikers! I just wanted to invite everyone out there in dirtbiker tv land to the great annual possum party celebration. All ya got ta do is come hungry fer possum and there is a dress code, ya'll have to wear possum hide so git to skinnin'! Hell I figur ya'll got enough possum in yer fridge ta clothe a mammoth through the ice age. It's gonna be great, we're havin possum pie eatin contests, possum eyeball spittin contests, possum tail jewlery fer yer misses and best of all the greased skunk chase (I was last years grand champion) I was also wonderin if you guys would like ta play fer it. There aint much room on the stage so I figerd that guitfiddle player of yers could stand on the outhouse, hell them fumes ll' do him some good specially after everyone gets some possum in their bellies! There'll be a juggler a jugglin fresh possum bladders on stage while yer playin but don't ya mind a holler, that stuff's real good fer the skin. I figur you guys'll want ta do it fer free but we'll pay ya 25 bucks in Canadian and all the possum fries ya can eat, can't say na ta that! I'll be lookin out fer ya and come hungry!!!! Billy
Hey, herd you guys was a playin in the city, what the hell ya wanna go ther fer? Anyway I wrote a song fer yer band and I'll only charge ya $500, it's really good and worth at least a grand. Goes like this...hhm, hhm...well out here in the west, when the sun goes settin down, and the moon's waxin his ass on the stars thats when they come a round. Well they try to hide but I can sniff em just like a dog, their meat's sweeter than a blackbird's terd or my momma's prized hog! Chorus: Oh possum hide you can eat ir raw! or cut er up with yer skill saw, she'll slide right through ya so fast, yer ass hairs won't complain! Well that carcass ll' keep fer weeks on end, throw a possum party fer yer friends yea you can chuck it up and it ll' taste as good as when it went in! let me know what ya think Billy
Sup thar I'm not normally one fer complimentin but I think you guys are the only band I've seen thats got any god damned sense. Hell half o those god damned hippy freak bands ya cant understand a god damned word comin out of their pussywillow noggins. Anyway if yer ever out west stop in at my motel and I'll cook ya up some of my possum suprise, it's a suprise cause it's really skunk thats seasoned with my aged spitoon juice. real good eatin I'll leave the light on fer ya and don't stay at any o those other god damned places, I stayed there before and they aint piss Billy
Hey! Not so fast! L. Diabolical sometimes acts outside of Government protocol! He loves testicles like a boxer loves a heavy bag, and sometimes he is unpredictable and hard to control...
Sorry I couldnt make it to your short notice party. I really wanted to.
If I die, I want fancey to to a strip tease at my funeral. Not dying soon, dont worry.Merry xmas!-jim
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