I'd have to say my number one interest is tailgating people while I'm driving. I like to see just how close I can get to their bumper without hitting it. It feels great when the other drivers wave their arms and honk their horns to cheer me on. When they put up a finger to tell me I'm #1, I feel just like Bruce Jenner must have felt when he beat Sgt. Slaughter for the gold medal in the 100-meter backstroke. Whenever I see a "Baby On Board" sign, I pull up alongside as close as I can so I can make silly faces at the little munchkin. I can tell the mother appreciates it because she's usually crying tears of joy and immediately calls someone on her cellphone to tell them what a fun time she and the baby are having on their trip.
Music
I LOVE all types of music and have a great collection. I put my tape recorder right up next to the radio speaker to get all the latest hits. There's just something about that hissy pissy tape sound with music in the background that makes me want to get up and get down! It doesn't cost me a dime because I keep re-using the same Andy Rooney book-on-tape that my father left behind when he went out for a pack of cigarettes one night and never came back. Come back Daddy! Teach me how to be a man just like you! Do what Andy Rooney could never do :(
Movies
I live pretty close to a drive-in movie theater, so I like to crouch in the bushes by the fence and watch the movies from there. I can't hear anything that's going on, so I do my own dialogue while the movie plays. My stupid psychiatrist and the town police act like there's something wrong with standing in the bushes and talking to yourself in different voices, especially when a Disney movie is playing and there's lots of kids there, but I keep trying to explain to them it's called USING YOUR IMAGINATION, duh! It's way more fulfilling and hella cheaper than paying to see and hear some dumb movie. Afterwards, lots of people dump their popcorn out their car window so I don't have to pay for dinner either. Ha-Ha, suckers!
Television
I'm not allowed to have a TV as part of my probation. I blasted my last TV with a shotgun when somebody on Wheel of Fortune wasted their money buying a vowel when they CLEARLY knew what the puzzle was. The nosy neighbors called the police to report shots fired and shrapnel coming through their wall and next thing I know, some lady judge is asking me to choose between keeping a gun OR a TV in the house, because I can't have both. I decided to keep my shotgun for when the KGB comes to get me for intercepting their secret transmissions with my tooth filling. Come and get it Commies! There's nothing good on TV anyway :/
Books
I like pop-up books the best. The technology for them came from an alien spaceship that crashed in the New Mexico desert in the 50's. No human mind could invent something like that. I can barely even figure out which tabs to pull to make the dinosaurs open their mouths. They're nice dinosaurs though, not like the ones that attacked the Pentagon or that Barney character whose face is on the one dollar bill if you fold it a certain way, proving that he's the Anti-Christ. I also have a bunch of those paperbacks that collect all the Family Circus comic strips. I don't read them though, I just look at the drawings because I think Dolly is hot.
Heroes
My heroes are the brave men and women of the Bigfoot Field Research Organization; the scientific research organization dedicated to exploring the Bigfoot/Sasquatch mystery. I first became interested in Bigfoot when my neighbor told me she saw a fat, lumbering, foul-smelling beast rummaging through her garbage cans late one night. I happened to be rummaging through her garbage cans that same night, but I didn't see anything unusual. Based on her description though, I knew our town was most likely overrun with Bigfeet. I called the BFRO and told them I wanted to join and that they should come here to investigate. I suggested they bring laser guns, x-ray glasses and some delicious recipes just in case we caught one. They hung up right in my ear, I guess because they were so excited to get here as quick as possible. They should be here any minute now.
About me:
My name is Beepants Larry. A lot of people tell me I have a weird name, but I don't know what the hell they're babbling about. They must be on delicious crack or something. There's lots of famous people that have the same name as me - like Larry Hagman, Larry King and Larry from Three's Company. I've been told I'm strong as an ox and twice as smart.
I did some hard time right after high school. I don't know what came over me, abducting that Girl Scout like that. Sometimes you just NEED a Thin Mint, you know what I'm saying? But I learned my lesson in prison. I also learned how to kill a man by making a shiv out of torn-out Bible pages and dried toothpaste. I won't lie to you, it's come in handy on a few occasions.
I'm currently unemployed, but I get by selling Plasma TV's on Ebay. Boy, people sure get mad when you don't actually deliver them, and I've got the hilarious emails to prove it. It's only short-term though. I'm going to be a multi-millionaire as soon as I help this Nigerian banker transfer funds out of his country, so get on the gravy train while you can.
I live in an apartment above a Greek pizza/sub shop, which is really cool because there's always enough tinfoil in the dumpster to cover my windows. That way, I can go about my business without worrying about the Pleiadians controlling my thoughts and instructing me to wipe out my entire family. God help us all if that tinfoil ever came off.
Who I'd like to meet: Tom Cruise lookalike seeks his Katie Holmes - minus the herpes, hammertoes and mild retardation.
Yeah I'm married, but my wife and I swing. Well, *I* do anyway. She can go swing on a rope for all I care. She may not like it, but trust me she's not going anywhere. I have an iron-clad prenup, so her best bet is to just stick around and bleed my savings dry over time. Don't worry, there's plenty of Beepants to go around. You just have to be discreet around my kids, although it's not like they haven't seen it all before.
I prefer a woman with large saddlebags and short gray hair who smokes like a chimney. My therapist says it's some sort of regressive attraction to my school bus driver. I was always the last kid to get dropped off and a couple of times a week, the school bus would "run out of gas" and she'd take advantage of my young, lean schoolboy body. Sadly, she died when she drove over a bump and choked on a cruller she was eating, otherwise I might very well be married to her today.
Another thing - most people looking to hook up online say they don't like "mind games" but I can't get enough of them. My favorites are "Guess What You Did Wrong" and "Silent Car Trip". Also if you're willing to wait outside convenience stores with the engine running, then I would REALLY love to meet you as soon as possible, preferably this Friday.
Well...you never got back to me on the marraige proposal so I picked up some guy off the street, drugged him, then took him to Vegas for a drive-thru wedding. I hope you're happy. My parents are totally pissed off at you now.
that little son of a bitch has to learn some manners and learn how to treat a senior ass kicker anyway his fuckin mom took him when i kicked the bitch out of the house and he stole my good bong what do you make of that shit where ever dave hondoras jr is i hpe he is rotting in hell and i say that with sincerity AKC OUT
