Imagine for a moment that I am a detective and you are the heiress daughter of Dan SteDanern, a notorious steel magnate. You enter my offices at night and light up a cigarette. I ask how I can help you but you just sit there, smoking. Is there like anything I'm supposed to do now? Play chess or something? Hi, I'm a dumb chess cube-head who eats vegetables and bags of Doritos (most often cool ranch, zesty, red chili heat) .... A saxophone starts playing. You explain that your father is a Champ, and he won't sit while his business is taken over by Psy-Trance DJs (implying those type of people, not specifically them). A parrallel dimensional abstraction of the Steel Magnate cries out "I not gonna take no crap, and my business must be allowed to thrive in my able hands, who have built it from scratch, along with the demon-spirit which is incubating inside my brain." My acute detective hearing allows me to hear his plea and, taking pity on the man and his commanding daughter, I agree to take on the case, but for a price. What's all this bunk about implying by subtle use of eyebrow expression that you dissapprove of my chess-playing habits and love of Doritos? I can't give those up, and it's my business what I do. You blow smoke sexily into my face and say "I only dissaprove cause those Cheetoh-handling fingers and chess-piece-staring eyes should be put to use doing other things." Our gazes lock and we embrace. Just before we kiss, the seven-baboon headed Brontosaurus-Lord of Chimptron9 straddles the universe but it's too late. We shpuld have met when we were younger. Since then, my chess skills have improved considerably. The case, I'm still working on the case, I'll get to it.
THE LIFE STORY OF KABLONSKANEUIL (to this date)
One of the most amazing stories in the history of man. Kablonskaneui was born to hippie parents encamped along the Rhine, who moved to a nudist colony living in a network of caves in a hilly area of southern France. As he moved into adolescence the egalitarian social structure of the colony was usurped by the megamaniacal Sansanskadeuil, an ambitious Rasputin-like character who transformed the colony into an orgiastic sex-cult. Quickly the commune fell into a state of moral decay and through constant scheming, and blackmail, Sansanskadeuil snared Kablanskaneuil's parents into his inner circle of sex slaves in his perverted theocracy, and quickly made plans to sacrifice the young Kablonskaneui at the summer solstice. Now an adolescent of great intuition, the 11 year old Kablonskaneuil immediately fled the colony, stowing away on a freight train bound for Lisbon, where he stowed away once more on a cargo ship bound for New York City. Eager to evade authorities whom he feared might deport him back to the colony, he didn't rest in New York but rather continued to Chicago. THE DRAMA CONTINUES LATER.......
Larry King: "new teen sensation kablonskaneui is here with me today. You may know them from such international hits such as the hip-hop sensation "Ghost Floating Around". But, before we talk about your globe-trotting sucess, being raised by a 5 legged cow, and living with scurvy, i have to ask the question that's on everyone's mind. Are you th father of Paris Hilton's love child, and, is Tom Cruise jealous?"
Online Now!
