This is very funny... from an article on Jazz Humour from the American site, All About Jazz. It's a look at the jazz world of musicians and singers. Not - I repeat NOT - to be taken personally or seriously! (I guess!)
They need the drinks, in a big way, because approaching the bandstand now is...
The Vocalist
She's wearing a tight-fitting dress. Her hair is a sculpture. She glides to the bandstand like a model on a runway, ignoring the drink stains and cigarette burns peppering the floor. Her posture is perfect, her arms move just so. She picks up the mike and balances it between three arched fingers. She turns to the audience, a stagey, far-away look in her eyes. "Oh Jesus, here we go," the saxophonist says under his breath.
"How about a hand for these hard-working guys," she says, just like she is supposed to. There is no applause. She laughs a stage laugh and tries again. "Where are you all from? Anyone here from New York?" Silence. The crowd is captivated - not by her, but by a racy rock video blasting over the television. Still, she tries. "How many of you are in love?" she asks, giggling a little girl giggle. She's looking right at you, because you're the only one paying attention. The musicians are looking at you, too. "You're NOT from New York, and you're NOT in love," their dark eyes say.
"Not a real talkative bunch, are you?" she asks rhetorically, then turns to the band. "Well, I guess we'd better give them something to talk about." She winks at the sax player, who almost spits. "Do you fellas know 'Summertime'?" There is a collective shudder. "What key?" the pianist asks, knowing she won't have an answer. Her veneer momentarily fades; she is in trouble. She did not prepare for the session by practicing or figuring out her keys. She prepared for it by buying a new outfit and having her hair coiffed.
But then she has an idea. With studied nonchalance, she says: "You know. The regular key." There is a collective snort. "Regular?" asks the pianist. Not decaf?" The others join in. "Not unleaded?" asks the saxophonist. "Not minty fresh?" asks the drummer. "Not extra wide?" asks the trombonist. "Not the special prescription-strength formula with possible side effects including nausea, headaches, and dry-mouth?" asks the bassist. All turn and stare at him in amazement. The trumpet player shouldn't have left so soon. This is too much fun.
Now she is near tears. All she can do is start singing, and she lands half-way between two keys. "Lovely," the pianist mutters. "Quarter-tone explorations on 'Summertime.' B minor-and-a-half. C minor-minus. John Cage meets Liza Minelli. Ravi Shankar meets Barbara Streisand. Here, lady, I'll help you - forgive me, guys. Just because I'm brilliant doesn't mean I'm heartless. Let's put it in C minor, and here's your melody note. Now sing, or act, or whatever it is you do."
The band joins in, and she works her way through the song's two choruses. Her voice is pleasant, but barely discernable beneath a haphazard dungheap of inflections that are her "jazz bag." She approaches the end of the melody. "PLEASE DON'T SCAT! PLEASE, PLEASE!" the musicans silently implore. She scats. There are shooby-doos. There are piercing wails. There are throaty moans. There is writhing and grimacing. There are photo ops. She is smiling at the band, inviting them to feel the spirit. They return blank stares. Finally the saxophonist can take no more. He begins soloing loudly, pointing his horn right at her. The band launches into 20 minutes of improvisation, and the music is good. They have, once again, found a common enemy. Again there is great joy and sorrow and anger. This time, they are not angry at you.
The tune ends. Before anyone can make a move, the vocalist launches into "Route 66." It is a pre-emptive strike on her part, a brilliant tactical maneuver. The band has no choice but to play along - it's too late to call up the next artist. Even their emergency bail-out plan - leaving the stage for a premature break - has been disabled. Six musicians crushed by one singer in a single, clean surgical strike. Having won the upper hand, she assumes the role of benevolent dictator. She does not scat. She demands that the audience applaud for each soloist (I.H.: Go ahead). The musicians, in turn, take short polite solos. A new world order has been established.
But the regime will prove a short one. Like any leader buoyed by new-found power, she feels compelled to test the limits. She dips deep into her Star Search bag, pulling out the secret weapon she's been saving for just such a moment. Ammo that will blast the blender, tv, cash register, and roaring Yuppies into stunned silence. All will stand in awe. She will, at last, be discovered. "Get your kicks," she belts, "on Route...Sixty..." She throws her arms laterally, telling the band with great passion that she, alone, will take it from here. It is going to be the word "Six," and it is going to take a very long time.
Sssssiiiii... (the histrionics commence. She drops to one knee. She plumbs the bottom of her range, then her voice begins a slow ascent. Her eyes are shut, chin tucked against chest. She is bent forward, cleavage showing mightily).
...ii... (her voice is in mid-register, still climbing, now wrapped in a wide, swooping vibrato. She rises from her knee to an upright position).
...iii... (she approaches her upper register and begins a series of blues clich's. Her fingers wiggle on the microphone as if she is playing an instrument - first trumpet, then trombone, then saxophone. She has not taken a breath yet.)
...iiii... (as she nears the top of her range, her free hand begins to rise. She is preparing to land on a note that will startle all with its power and beauty. At the exact moment she hits it, her finger will...)
"F@~* this!" says the sax player. "Let's take a break." The musicians quickly scramble off-stage, order - as they know it - restored. The singer is still peaking, now in piercing soprano range, pointing dramatically off-stage, eyes closed. Sensing that change is afoot, she sneaks a glance. Quickly at first, eyes barely open. Then longer, eyes agog. The truth sets in, the sheer horror of it. An outright coup d'etat, and she's been rendered powerless, impotent, ludicrous. She cuts off in mid-note, suddenly slumping. Quietly, resignedly, she concludes, "...ix."
But it's okay - no one except you was listening anyway. And you'd best not clap, if you want to be a part of...
The Break
The house musicians are seated at the crowded bar. Actually, two are sitting, and three are standing behind, jutting into the flow of traffic. They are flanked by drunk Yuppies on either side. Other drunk Yuppies periodically bump them from behind.
Despite their nominal victory, the battle with the vocalist has left them in poor spirits. They have felt the wrath of the jazz universe. Their capacity for suffering has been tested and found wanting. They wonder why. Life itself seems without reason. A solution cannot be found!!
Video of The Silencers' tribute night to Cha Burns, and videos of JJ Gilmour... he's a STAR!!!
..
Influences... DAVID HAYMAN... DON HENLEY... and this man. This is JJ GILMOUR... A STAR!!!!!!!!
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MY INFLUENCES:
without a doubt, a man they called Jesus
Ghandi
Buddhism
The determination, faith and will power of survivors of atrocity, disaster and affliction
Stephen Hawking
My children and my parents
My dog, Katie, for her unconditional love
Billy Connolly
Sir Sean Connery
Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne
Rod Stewart
Frankie Miller
Annie Lennox
Joe Walsh
Bruce Hornsby
Jimmy Buffet
Bonnie Raitt
Dave Gilmour
Janis Joplin
Bette Midler
Dame Cleo Laine
Frank Sinatra
Chris Anthony (guitarist)
Nigel Clark (guitarist)
Martin Taylor MBE (guitarist)
Hollywood musicals
Groucho Marx
Great singers and musicians
My fans
and, most definitely,
DON HENLEY
Check out my pics, I've done some 'kool' paintings!
URBTIX
I have to mention... My admiration for DAVID HAYMAN for the work he has taken on with his charity "SPIRIT AID." This is a man who is completely hands-on. This man takes the money to the "BELLY" and then some!!!
This is the totally amazing NIGEL CLARK who has been my guitarist for over 10 years. Nigel has his own Quartet and also works around the world with the very best musicians.
The pictures above were taken from my roof-top terrace; "thank you, God!" - I wake up to this every day!
...ABOUT CAROL KIDD MBE
Carol has been known in jazz circles since she was just 15. She started her recording career in 1984 and has, to date, recorded 18 albums. She has received many accolades from great artists including Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra. The greatest compliment was a personal request from Frank Sinatra to appear with him in 1990 at his Ibrox Stadium performance.
Her awards are many, including:
BRITISH JAZZ AWARDS WINNER - 4 times!
CANNES INTERNATIONAL JAZZ AWARDS - BEST ALBUM: "The Night We Called It a Day"
(Linn Records)
Awarded the MBE for SERVICES TO JAZZ
WINNER - TARTAN CLEF MUSIC AWARD 2006
SCOTTISH JAZZ AWARDS 2009 - BEST ALBUM: "Dreamsville"
(Linn Records)
In 1994, Carol was invited by the Chinese Government to perform in China as "The Ambassador of British Jazz" - and, as such, was the first European artist to perform there for 25 years.
Her signature song, WHEN I DREAM was a Billboard No 1 Hit in Japan and Korea after it was used as the theme song for a Korean motion picture "Shiri" - a movie which out-grossed "Titanic" - the other global blockbuster that year! In Korea, "When I Dream" was No 1 in the charts for 13 weeks and led to large-scale, sell-out concerts across South East Asia.
Carol is affectionately known as "The Diva" in this part of the world where she performs to capacity audiences. She has recently returned from successful concert appearances in Shanghai and Hong Kong.
QUOTES AND ENDORSEMENTS...
"A throat kissed by angels" - The Herald (Glasgow)
"To all dedicated disciples of Ella, Carmen, Billie, Sarah and Peggy, I am moved to suggest forthwith that another name should be added to that illustrious roll call: Carol Kidd" - Crescendo Jazz Magazine (UK)
"Carol Kidd is undoubtedly a performer who has heart and soul to interpret moods and sentiments expressed by her well-chosen songs with passion and sympathy" - Jazz LP Magazine
"Carol Kidd is the most wonderful singer of songs... a great interpreter and, above all, radiates warmth, heart and soul" - Hong Kong Times
"It's her diction, tone and feeling for lyrics that make her stand out as the best interpreter of the American Songbook alive today" - Singapore Straits Magazine
Carol's own song, "DO YOU BELIEVE" - co-written with her guitarist, Nigel Clark, was recorded live in Hong Kong and is included on her new "Dreamsville" album. Available now on Linn Records - go to www.linnrecords.com
DIARY NOTES FROM CAROL...
My thanks and admiration goes to a true Scotsman, actor David Hayman, for his inspiration and his massive contribution to humanity, particularly in Afghanistan, and through his charitable work with Spirit Aid. This is a man who is completely hands-on and takes the money to the "BELLY." Thanks, David. xxx
I've posted some pics of the studio session for my newest album; see them on Page 2 of the "Pics" section. Hope you enjoy!
Many of you have asked about the musicians on the new album. Time for an introduction:
PAUL HARRISON on piano, ALYN COSKER on drums, MARIO CARIBE on bass, and NIGEL CLARK on guitar.
The new album was produced by GRAEME DUFFIN (Wet, Wet, Wet) and the Executive Producer is... CAROL KIDD.
Well, what can I say? Saturday night - November 17th, 2006 - at the Tartan Clef Awards Ceremony... it was magical. I was awarded the "Your Life, Your Music" Award. Thanks to everyone who voted for me and a big, big thanks to Saga Radio for nominating me! THANK YOU, EVERYONE!
THE PAINTINGS...
...on the profile/song page are all my own work.
Go to KATIEKIDD on my friends she knows more about me than anyone, and I'm sure she has some tails to tell!!!
CAROL REMINISCES...
I've been a jazz singer all my life, I was kicked out of the school choir at the age of eight because I just couldn't sing "straight" - I was improvising even at that age. I have been recording since 1984 and have 15 albums out there. I have been fortunate enough to win awards for doing something I love. For example:
I have had the privilege of having as my guests on my live shows some of the all-time jazz greats such as George Shearing, Larry Adler, Buck Clayton, Warren Vache, Wild Bill Davison, Benny Carter, Martin Taylor, Stephane Grappelli, Joe Temperley, Bobby Watson, Annie Ross and Georgie Fame. Wow! - what lot of fun we had.
FRANK SINATRA hit town (Glasgow) during its reign as European City of Culture 1990. I didn't know, but he'd sent his team in to hear me at a gig I'd done during the Glasgow Jazz Festival. Next thing I knew was my manager asking me, "Would you like to work with Frank Sinatra?" I thought it was a cruel joke but, no, it was for real! "Ol' Blue Eyes" had been on the lookout for someone who was "compatible" to work with. It was the most incredible experience of my life! I have worshiped F.S. all my life, and to do that in front of a Glasgow audience was something very, very special.
My signature song "When I Dream" which was used in the enormously successful Korean kickboxing movie called "Shiri" stood at No 1 for 13 weeks, holding back artists such as Robbie Williams and Britney Spears! To ellaborate on that story...
TERRY WAITE had been in captivity in Beirut for some four years, spent in a black hole with the threat of being executed every day. Then, a few weeks before his release, he was given a radio and he was able to listen to the BBC World Service and he heard my "When I Dream" and it brought back to him a recurring dream of his whole family coming to him as he waked along a beach. They hold out their hands and tell him they're there to take him home to safety. Terry told this story on "Desert Island Discs" I heard it and we had a 'phone conversation which led to me doing an album called "When I Dream" and I donated all my royalties to his charities: Amnesty International and YCare (devoted to care of children throughout the world). If that amazing man could live through four years of hell, I could go in to a studio and do something that I loved doing for a couple of hours. And that's what I did. That album raised tens of thousands of pounds for those charities, and I will always be thankful that I was able to get to know Terry and his amazing family.
Tragically, I lost my partner of 17 years in 2003 and I honestly wanted to die. One day my son sat me down to watch Don Henley's "Inside Job" and I couldn't believe what I was hearing; I swear DON HENLEY SAVED MY LIFE. Thanks for that, Don. The man sings and writes with soul and tenderness.
CURRENT PROJECTS...
So, now I'm working on my own songs with a great guitarist here iChris Anthony, who Dave Gilmour (Pink Floyd) holds in very high esteem! We have completed seven songs and loved every minute of putting them together.
BILLY CONNOLLY told me I was a "Leg-End" in my own lunchtime! My good friend, Terry Waite - one-time Beirut hostage - said I was "SCOTLAND'S OTHER NATIONAL TREASURE" - can't be bad!
I am now working on an album of my own songs, so watch this space.
And look out for the video of JAMES JINKY (JJ) GILMOUR on his MySpace site! I LUV THIS GUY! His love of words and song is an inspiration. Good luck in life, JJ - xxx
I lost my sister and my brother in the same year - 1998. WE DON'T STAND STILL LONG ENOUGH is their song.
Love ya,
Car.
xxxx
READ MY BLOG. I've posted a message for all of us!
DON HENLEY - I wish you Love, Peace and all you wish for you and yours. xxx
Just to let you know: my songs EYES WIDE OPEN and BLA, BLA, BLA are co-written with CHRIS ANTHONY. Thanks, Chris, for your inspiration. And to my grandson, NICKY KIDD, for the guitar on BLA, BLA, BLA - I luvs ya both.
Songs copyright Carol Kidd and Christopher Anthony
Top photo: singer and jazz promoter, Todd Gordon with me after my concert on 12 November 2008 at the Royal Concert Hall, Glasgow.
Oh Carol, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know the pain you are in and I want you to know that my prayers are with you and angels are about you bringing warm love, mercy, and comfort to you. Is there anything I can do for you? Peace be with you
Hi my sweet Carol. I hope you are feeling better. I wanted to stop by and say hello and let you know your in my thoughts and prayers. Hope your doing well.
I wish you the Sacred Blessings of Samhain my friend, May your weekend be Blessed, and you and your family grow closer together, Have fun this Halloween
Thank you Carol for your friendship,wish that I could sing as well as you.My motto is,if I can please just one person during a show,then Iam a happy Mamma.God Bless,Luv Benita.
Hi Carol here,s wishing you a safe and peaceful weekend and good to hear from you, glad your doing well with your concerts, like i said the voice of an angel
Hello My friend, Autumn is here yet again, and the seasons are changing once more, leaves are a wonderful selection of colours, as they part company from the trees they once adorned, they blow around making the world they leave behind, such a beautiful and colourful place,as the weather starts to grow cold, feel the warmth of love and friendship build within yourself, those warm thoughts of long relaxing nights in front of a warm fire, for those of us that are fortunate to have one still, for those that are not well all i can say is, i will be thinking of you as i curl up in front of mine.
With the Warmth of Friendship and Love I send to you my friend
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