channel surfing: the excavation of matt cagle's post millennium livelihood; the unauthorized third person explanation ***************************************************************************
disclaimer - after assessing this assessment of the life of one matt cagle, please search myspace for other "about me" sections that seem to be written by third parties who really, really, really seem fond of their subjects. actually, the entire purpose of the following text is to mock phony morons and their delusions of grandeur. in essence, you will find that this bio is less fabricated, and less absurd. also, this was written by winston churchill's ghost, hello. ***************************************************************************
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thou may wear sunglasses indoors, but it's been said that matt cagle "looks like he's wearing sunglasses indoors when he's not". former president bill clinton stated that about matthew in an interview with barbara walters in 1997. and that's colder than 13 bitches on a bitch boat. being the ghost of winston churchill has it's advantages. i follow matt around daily, to get an accurate account of his real life. not only does he pick his nose, aggressively if necessary, but he also hands out turkeys to poor children on thanksgiving (in that order). while he hands out turkeys, he sings "sweet caroline" on a cordless microphone to entertain the youngsters. little do they know, matt stole that obnoxious karaoke bummer from latent homosexual yuppies at frat bars. it seems to unite people, so why wouldn't it work on poor children? oh, i forgot, most poor children aren't wack, and neither is an attempt to make oneself look cool. right? no winston, wrong. thats what i said to myself. then i realized something. if everyone stopped trying to be an alpha male or a top skank at the same time, the world would implode. see, the infrastructure of the earth is delicately held together by energy, and the most common source of energy is that of a delusional prick. so, matt cagle has invested millions of seconds on the study of "molecular plutonium distillation", a process that he is testing to help prove his latest theory, "bitch evaporation". in his latest lecture, held at the university of central piedmont, matt explained his theory to other high school dropouts. after being hit in the face with several crumpled pieces of paper and a shoe thrown from the back row of the auditorium, matt decided to take a break. he went to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette. as he opened the bathroom door, he was violently attacked and knocked unconscious by a cat-like mammal. when he came to, he was being sat on by the underrated girl shown in the photograph below- **************************************************************************
**************************************************************************** -she said,"hey boy, i'm allison lohman. the smell of your axe body spray helped me track you down". funny, he doesn't even use body spray. it must've been the smell of myspace narcissism.
Hey Friend! Get your ass down to New Brookland this Saturday for the best underground punk show of the year! Tell all your friends too! It's going to be a blast and we'd love to show all of the out of town bands what columbia's all about...
what is this godawful song you have playing on here??? sounds like Barney Fife after being fired for abusing Quayludes,(probably mispelled that but I wasn't born in the seventies ya know)
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JUNE 18TH AT 8PM
