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MST3K -- What to do on a date

Yeah, I was going to the old Uni. of North Alabama back in the early years of the decade, but I went broke, both bank-accountly and attention-spanly. So, now I exist in an eternal cycle of brilliant entrepreneurial ideas that are doomed to fail due to reasons beyond my meager control and my increasingly tenuous grasp on reality.

I live in rural Tennessee, which is an improbably non-diverse region of America. The reason for this cultural incest is indeterminate. I suspect it is a practical joke by a trickster super-being from the future who simulates our pathetic reality for his own sadistic pleasure.

I am surrounded by a disproportionate number of Caucasian Baptists and Catholics. I fear that Whitey's lack of rhythm may creep in at night and steal my funkiness.

You know those dreams where you're at school and you're naked? Yeah, I had those, but they were inverted, in that everyone else was starkers and I was all up in the weird zone for being clothed.

Back in the grand old days, I rented a house that was relatively spiffy yet definitely very old. The non-grounded electrical outlets made for fun fire hazard adventures. The toilet made a whistling noise like someone trying really hard to blow their nose but failing miserably. So, I went to my mother's bookcase and dug up one of those old Time-Life books called Why Pay Someone to Fuck Up Your Plumbing When You Can Do It Yourself, and I replaced the o-ring or gasket or some such rubbery toilet prophylactic, and then it only sort of sounded like Gerald Ford on a respirator. I henceforth declared myself King of Non-licensed Home Repair, and made a t-shirt that said so, even though it was only scribbled on a Hane's beefy tee with a ball-point pen. Why Pay Someone to Fuck Up Your Plumbing When You Can Do It Yourself would be an awesome name for a book on auto-eroticism.

Fun facts:

• I live in a backwater Tennessee town (population: 800) that would roll up the sidewalks at 6 PM if we had sidewalks.

• Music on profiles reminds me of GeoCities, circa 1998.

• There are likely dozens of meth labs within a ten-mile radius of my home. If you divide this circle's circumference by its diameter, you get meth pi.

That's it for now.

• People who hate small talk
• Authors and poets who aren't full of themselves
• Transhumanists, technophiles, and singularitarians, oh my
• Entrepreneurs and risk-takers
• The economist John Maynard Keynes, so I can ironically stab him with a shard of broken window glass.
• People that understood that joke
• Old guys at the VFW who drink Wild Turkey and cry while telling war stories
• Anyone who's ever been an extra in a mattress store commercial
• Futurists, or people from the future