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Cesspool is:

ALEX

Likes: proggy guitar wankery, ditching parties to go “jam” with Jared in the gloomy basement
Dislikes: Yitzhak Rabin, Abraham, FDR
Alex’s True, Deep Inner Self: Acne-riddled mathlete.
Fun Fact: Alex has a partying side locked inside of him somewhere, but it has yet to be released.

You can think of Alex as a less conflicted Jared. He is our "rhythm" guitarist, although he may or may not be better than Abe. Alex is the only non-Jew in the band, but he is non Jewish enough to bring Cesspool’s religion average to neutral.

KEVIN

Likes: anime, talking about feelings
Dislikes: the part in Bambi when the mom dies
If you want to be annoyed: Ask Kevin about Seattle.
Fun Fact: Kevin is the most agreeable guy in Cesspool, if not on Earth. He feels uneasy about this, but everyone else thinks it’s awesome.

Kevin is our utility man. He plays keyboard, trumpet, percussion, tiny bicycle, or whatever else we tell him to play. His primary function in Cesspool is to service Rosie. His hair will not be denied.

JARED

Likes: open source philosophy, the word “saudade”
Dislikes: modern western alienation, Ja Rule
His level of pimpin' while on a different continent: big
Fun Fact: Jared's house sometimes features summer parties in Ann Arbor, Michigan. You are welcome to attend one. Seriously.

Jared is our drummer. He is the member of Cesspool least likely to grow old and look back on his current self, and think, “damn I sucked.” He is also the most earnest member of Cesspool, but it's cool.

ROSIE

Likes: T.I., partying, Phi Sig, normal stuff
Dislikes: when Dave makes her sing disturbing, sexually submissive lyrics
How she feels about Ski Trip: extremely humiliated
Fun Fact: despite the fact that Rosie is a sister in an indie rock band, she is not creepy looking

Rosie is one of our two lead singers. She and Abe are siblings, and she makes sure to rein him in when he gets too conceptual (not as a songwriter, but as a human). She is also the bad one. Or maybe that's Dave. It's certainly not Jared.

bill

Likes: venison
Dislikes: Dave and Abe, sunlight, playing drums, this mortal coil
Relationship status: available!
Fun Fact: Bill doesn't mind the violence that perpetuates his life as much the crushing, crushing disappointment.

Bill is our drummer for the recording studio. He is eight years old. Bill was born in Detroit, with a third arm protruding from his chest. When he was a baby, someone (presumably his mother) left him in a dumpster. Abe and Dave found him there, and gave him a home. They locked him in Dave’s parents’ basement and forced him to practice drums for 19 hours a day. It's been five years since then, and Bill has gotten pretty damn good at drums.

ABE

Likes: writing gimmicky songs, being a gimmicky guy
Dislikes: anything unfamiliar
If he were a fictional character, who would he be?: Either T-rex from www.qwantz.com or Igatius J. Reilly from Confederacy of Dunces.
Fun Fact: Other than Cesspool albums, Abe has actually never once finished something that he started.

Abe is the male lead singer. He also plays guitar, millions of instruments, and does half of the songwriting. Abe and Dave are the brains behind Cesspool. They also are responsible for the best stories you have read on this site, including the Mars convention and Coachella parts I and II. Abe peed in a bottle in his room because he was too lazy to walk to the bathroom downstairs.

DAVE

Likes: making the other band members nervous, hyperbole, when effort defeats ability
Dislikes: jealous haters, free will, the fact that he is the worst singer in Cesspool
Motive Power: creating funny anecdotes
Fun Fact: Dave dressed as William Rehnquist's zombie for Halloween. He peed his pants, so that he would smell bad and therefore make a more realistic corpse.

Dave plays bass, millions of other instruments, and does half of the songwriting. He is slowly turning Cesspool's live show into an exxxtreme carnival orgy. He is the band member most eager to do crazy shit. Everywhere he travels, he leaves a trail of women who think that they have slept with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So there you have it. The best band on Earth. We're all friendly people. Next time you see one of us, say hi.