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Chamelon's Drummer playing solo 2008 Superbowl Commercial - Lizard Thriller
Come ye one and all … enter forth within the Kingdom of the Lizard with no small trepidation. Our checkered pasts are as motley as our reptilian hides and our amorphous, iridescent set lists… We originally played five hours of music for no pay, an arrangement which proved fiscally unsatisfactory for us. Therefore we altered our strategy and played no music whatsoever for five thousand dollars per engagement. Initially this was lucrative, but physically dangerous, especially when performing in Italian – American run venues. We then began playing actual music and charging reasonable sums to do so … For us, this was the turning point. Michael Allen, former lead vocalist with Froggy the Sticky Wicket, once had an elbow removed following a successful worldwide tour of Finland. Flamboyant ambidextrous Michael apparently fell off the back of a motorcycle. "Fell off the back of a motorcyclist, most likely," quipped ace drummer Colin Scrumpshire upon hearing of the accident. Froggy’s plans for a major tour of Iceland similarly careened headlong into obscurity once the astute Allen joined the Lizard Clan. Divorced after only eight minutes, bassist, popular fire-breather and amateur demolitions expert, Lord William, relented when he realized he had married one of the Bettys by mistake. In LA's Oubliette, he had proposed to drummer Midge Kenton of Blind Drunk, after a whirlwind knee-pad romance. But when the hangover lifted, it was Edith Shrimpton of the Bettys on his arm in the registry office. Edith, too full of Valium and hors d’oevres to notice, remained unsteady during the short ceremony. William spotted the error as Edith was being carried into the wedding ambulance and became emotionally upset. However, he stayed long enough to consummate their divorce. Following this harrowing experience, William consoled himself with expensive beer, Xbox, and Dutch pornography, until a chance encounter with the Lizards (and a surprise alliance in which his life, threatened by the Albany Puerto Rican Mafia, remained firmly intact thanks to the clever Chameleons) restored his love of ars musica and returned him to the cold – blooded fold. Sanders “Slim” Sattler, formerly of the Evil Monkeys, witnessed the final split of this ill – fated quartet alongside former manager, Lefty Goldblatt. Chameleon’s success followed, for Sattler, only after ten years of maddening confusion and nomenclative uncertainty. Originally the Dead Salmon, the Evil Monkeys became for a while, Trout. At this point Sattler met Juan-Carlos “Herve” Arroyo-Lynch. Intrigued as much by Arroyo’s visionary use of peyote as the prodigious amounts of hyphens to be found within both his surname and Christian name, Sattler joined Arroyo on a vision quest of truly epic dimensions. Despite rumors that the two now believed themselves to be giant Ewoks, they reformed again as Sole Manier, then Dead Sole, Rock Cod, Poached Salmon In A White Wine Sauce, Salmon-monia, and Helen Shapiro. This last name, their favorite, had to be dropped following an injunction and they split up again. When they reformed after a recordbreaking two days, they ditched the fishy references and became Evil Monkeys. Unfortunately, after LeDouzhe McConnor, lead vocalist and accordionist for the Monkeys, developed extreme megalomania accompanied by an extreme aversion to cheese, the group’s demise soon followed. Thankfully, four months spent studying the Tibetan Shastric Scriptures provided Sattler and Arroyo with the mystical insights that prompted the Lizard Clan’s creation. The band is led by their gifted, yet troubled manager Laura Young. Ms. Young’s brilliance is well documented, as is her perpetual quest for spiritual enlightenment. She famously accompanied John, Paul, George, Ringo and Leo on their well known trip to India to study with the Maharishi Yogi (apparently, Leo owed Ms. Young money and was told to “get his ass on the plane”). Ms. Young, as well as the loveable moptops, quickly became disillusioned with the Maharishi, however. She first became suspicious of his intentions when told that her particular mantra would be “do me Yogi, do me.”Ms. Young gave a rare interview last week to Guy Man of Tumbling Rock magazine. Located at a small resort in upstate Tennessee where she was “resting”, she gave Mr. Man a brief telephone interview. When asked about the future of the band she slurred “You don’t know me!” and the connection was mysteriously lost.
