Making pizzas, paraprofessionaling, driving too fast, shows on the history channel, reading my sisters blog, air conditioning, envisioning the flux capacitor, crossing the streams, making love not war, girls from K-State, totally knee-surfing, parties involving masks, eakingspay igpay atinlay, writing, girls with tattoos, cleanin' not leanin', having a bad feeling about this, five minute tasks, movies about baseball, imported beer, going old school, Sagittarius women, burning leaves, philosophy professors, english teachers, girls who marry young, sunsets, the color blue, riding through the desert on a horse with no name, kickin' it old school, discovering new ways to piss off my former roommate, finding Waldo, codes that give me 30 lives in contra, the Scottish accent, being a book slut, not knowing what a book slut is, finding stains in weird places in my apartment (like the ceiling of my kitchen), girls named Tiffany, naming all 50 states in alphabetical order in less than 20 seconds, movies about John Goodman being the king of England, knowing the 1000 most used words in the english language, paired piles of paper penises, Far Side cartoons, making lists of things that interest me, fall, shows on the science channel, girls who like Star Wars, not being a hippie, boobs, talking about stuff that no one cares about, playing two-hand-touch, chasing my inside straight, being alone in a strange city, searching sofas for loose change, pouring one out for my homies, meeting B level celebrities, oblivion, Tiffany (I said you were my favorite!), trying to find an I in TEAM, movies about snipers, that new book smell, watching poker on TV, spending a little "me" time, coloring, cold weather, DVD commentary, making time machines out of Dolorians, blogging, txting, emailing, iming, lettering (that's what people used to do before electronic -- they used what was once called "paper" and "pen"), feeling smug when I know the answers on Street Smarts, girls named Natalie Portman, movies about hobbits, cuddling, being a BEAMER, Cocoa Pebbles, wondering if you are still reading this, punching people who punch babies, making fun of guys who play HALO, Chuck Norris jokes, doing the Dew, poetry that doesn't rhyme, Microsoft Bob, girls who like llamas, pets named after characters in books, children named after philosophers, out of nowhere switching to slow motion while diving behind my sofa and using my hands as a pistol to shoot bad guys that have invaded my living room via the balcony, using the word "via," losing the previous battle and pretending -- in slow motion still -- to get shot in the head and dying a particularly glorious and bloody death as I fall from my place on the sofa and spill out onto the floor...breath slowing...eyes unfocusing...life draining..., librarians, girls with glasses, you destroying me and me becoming more powerful than you could ever imagine, making my saving throw, framing O.J., girls with brown hair, mushrooms that make me big or give me extra lives, beards, not letting people have sex on my balcony, having sex on my balcony, stuff about angels, total enlightenment, chalk drawings on sidewalks, soft core porn, movies about dudes with swords and chicks who need rescued, doing as little as possible, reading, building forts, arguing with my mom, deeply rooted sarcasm, seeing lightening strike twice, playing Boulder with my sister, throwing dough, a really good yawn, anagrams, crossword puzzles, fire, singing along to bad music, going oh-fer-nine, movies about the civil war, girls studying to be teachers, watching my dad color in maps, girls that like Star Trek, over tipping, old guys who smoke pipes, fat italian psychics, girls that don't wear high heels or crocs, the smell of gasoline, guesstimating, TV shows that have musical episodes, cutting celery, stand up comedians, calling the kettle black, googling myself, mixing chicken and mashed potatos, referring to something and then referring back to said something by using the word said, movies about going back to the future, being a starving artist, a hearty salad, funny T-Shirts, National Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept. 19!), Dark Towers, dropin' it like its hot, being ok with Phil being gay, breaking a string on my air guitar and not knowing how to restring it, watching obscure sports on TV like Lacross or the X-Games or the Strongest Man competitions or Swimming and gymnastics not in the Olympics, trying to think of a word and knowing its on the tip of your tounge and really stressing over it until you feel like you're going to explode so you engage other people in the thought process and they start throwing out words but none of them are right and then this one asshole comes along and throws out a word and everybody goes 'ahh' and 'thats it!' and they get all excited as if it was their problem to begin with and they all leave but you know that the word that one asshole suggested was not the one you were thinking even if it was the one everyone else was thinking and you begin to hate yourself and the world and everybody in it as you realize just how different you are from everybody else and how you can't connect with anyone and how no one will ever "get" you and then you try and refocus your efforts on discovering the real word you were thinking of but every time you do all you can think of is that other word that fake word that imposter word and its just stuck there in your mind along side the looks of relief on everyone else's face as they look to you for conformation and though you feel completely unsatisfied by their conclusion you still give them a smile and a nod so that they may rejoice guilt free in their triumph while you slink away in defeat and regret and disilusionment, french gangster rap, National Mustard Day (Aug. 5!), proving that life is NOT stranger than fiction, socks that rise above my ankles, girls named Tiffany(did I say that already?), keeping the peace, driving my dolorian at 88 mph past a clock tower in 1955 at the precise moment it is struck by lightning in order to infuse my flux capacitor with one point twenty-one gigawatts (one point twenty-one gigawatts!) of electricity and streaming down the street -- tires blazing -- and out across the chasm of time to see if I can hook up with my mother, clapping my hands 'cause I'm happy and I know it, long shorts, kilts, not popping my collar, running and hiding but not being able to escape your love, doing the hokey pokey and turning myself around, summer lovin', havin' a blast, makin' movies makin' songs and fightin' 'round the world
~~*~~
Music
~~*~~
I was going to make up some kind of TOP TEN BEST EVER music list (in no particular order), but I decided that would be lame and unoriginal. So heres some other random BEST EVER list (in no particular order). Just to be a conformist though, I'll start with music.
~~*~~
TOP 2 BEST SONGS ABOUT COWBOYS WRITTEN BY BON JOVI EVER (in no particular order)
1. Blaze of Glory 2. Dead or Alive
TOP 5 BEST THINGS I FOUND WHEN I CLEANED OUT MY CLOSET EVER (in no particular order)
1. A Luv Bug 2.This poem 3. Half a conversation I once had with a girl from work (what? how can you find a conversation in your closet? and why do you only have half of it?) 4. Phil 5. The Love Hanger
TOP 7 LOWEST WHOLE, NON-NEGATIVE NUMBERS EVER (in no particular order)
1. 3 2. 6 3. 1 4. 7 5. 2 6. 4 7. 5
~~*~~
New Band Names
~~*~~
I like making band names. Here are some of my favorites. If you are starting a band, feel free to steal. Just remember to thank me in the liner notes of your first album.
1. Stand Clear
2. Property Line
3. All Your Pleasures Dead
4. Worf
5. Scared of Dead Bugs
6. Positronic
7. Nautalistica
8. North Sea
9. The Troglobytes
10. O Discordia
11. The ABCDs
12. Fool
13. Sauron's Revenge
14. Jedi
15. Where's Allen Wood?
16. C is for Cookie
17. Hot Cop
18. Why Pi?
19. Dismal Dawn
20. With Everything
21. Mullet
22. High Five
23. Stiff
24. Bird & Swine
25. Bartholomew Fog
26. We Are Vikings We Are Tough
27. Sewer Clown
28. Self Taught
29. Self Taught No Lessons
30. Duncan
31. Primordial
32. Zipper Fiend
33. Vader Hater
34. Give Devin Zero
35. Revolving Door
36. There's Two Missing
37. Do They Like Sweat Pants?
38. Pink Chalk Boards
39. Irreversible Oppression
40. Like Us Please
41. Time Warner
42. Slime
43. Don’t Say No
44. Intro to the Opposites
45. Paris
46. Christopher
47. Bad/Day Suicide
48. There Be Dragons
49. Rothchild
50. Child of Rot
51. Ax
52. Donnie Narco
53. Unequal
54. Mutual Sadface
55. Liac (lay-ic)
56. Applesauce Status
57. American Unit
58. Face
59. Feenicks
60. Jynnan Tonnyx
61. Monster Eats the Pilot
62. This Momentous
63. J/K Little Bug
64. Boba Lives
65. Babar’s Dick
66. A Thief of Ordinary Talents
67. … (dot dot dot)
68. 17008
69. Resolution Not Coming
70. Long Slow Descent
71. Kelvin and the Narcos
71. Kelvin and the Narcolites
72. Band Name
73. Up Down Up Down
74. Love Love Love
75. Tak
76. A Spindle, a Darkness
77. A Fever and a Necklace
78. Belvedere
79. Saving Private Jessica
80. Alien Anchor
81. Audio Astronaut
82. Narco Polo
83. Cast Not Pearls
84. Splosion
85. Animal Crackhead
86. Bubbles was a Girl
87. Cryptic from the North
88. I Don’t Know If It’s Stinging Or Burning
89. Stripes Fire
90. Massive Pocket
91. Pearls Before Swine
92. My Brother's Knuckle
93. Anonymous Nudity
94. Cloud Invaders
95. Master Peanut
96. Diving for Sea Monkeys
97. Portable Miniskirt
98. Carpet Burn
99. You Got Dandruff
100. Tipsy Scena
101. Cebollas Rohas
102. Stalking Takes Time
103. Cozy Disco
104. Butterfiles
105. The Occasional Ferret
106. Not Your Father's Dentist
107. Count Specula
108. Anything Pants
109. Prepositional Craze
110. Whateva Whateva Shoes
111. Like Finding Money in Your Pocket
112. World’s Greatest Bears
113. Rocks and Spocks
114. Pedalfaster
115. Eraser
116. Garlic Monkey
~~*~~
Movies
~~*~~
The Movies I Have Seen This Year
~~*~~
1. The Room
2. I'm Not There
3. Vantage Point
4. Jumper
5. House Bunny
6. Be Kind Rewind
7. He's Just Not That Into You
8. Repo: The Gentetic Opera
9. Zombie Strippers
10. Watchman
11. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
12. Cashback
13. Fast and Furious
14. Wolverine
15. Synecdoche, New York
16. Zack and Miri
17. Employee of the Month
18. Wendy and Lucy
19. Terminator Salvation
20. Star Trek
21. Up
22. Knowing
23. The Science of Sleep
~~*~~
Television
~~*~~
So...lets look at what my DVR is set to record.
The Soup, Weeds, Dexter, My Name is Earl, The Office, Scrubs, Saturday Night Live, Lost, Criminal Minds, Colbert Report, Daily Show, South Park, Family Guy, Simpsons and How I Met Your Mother.
But gun to my head, I'd say my favorite show currently on TV is probably Lost. Then probably Dexter. Actually, here's a top 5:
1) Lost
2) Dexter
3) South Park
4) 30 Rock
5) Scrubs
I also watch a lot of cable news, football, baseball, SportsCenter, stand-up comedy and poker (WSOP, WPT and Poker Superstars). I like Connan and Bill Maher.
Also, I watch reruns of Star Trek (TNG, DS9 and VOY -- not the biggest fan of TOS). I miss Xena and Roar. And Joan of Arcadia. And Good Mornng Miami. I don't watch reality TV, except I did really like The Joe Schmo Show. They should bring that back. And of course Studio 60. One of the greatest shows of all time, in my opinion.
And, in my free time, I watch everything on A&E, History Channel, Science Channel and the Food Network.
I like TV...
~~*~~
Books
~~*~~
The Books I Have Read This Year
~~*~~
1. World War Z by Max Brooks
2. Hurricane Punch by Tim Dorsey
3. Cause of Death: A Writer's Guide to Death, Murder & Forensic Medicine by Keith Wilson
4. Atomic Lobster by Tim Dorsey
5. Police Procedural: A Writer's Guide to the Police and How They Work by Russell Bintliff
6. The Resturant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams
7. Life, the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams
8. Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore
9. How We Are Hungry by David Eggers
~~*~~
Heroes
~~*~~
8 Ways to Keep From Getting Hit in the Face with a Brick
1. Keep your home brick-free.
2. Avoid brickyards and places where they lay brick.
3. Don't go into or near old buildings made of brick. There is too much potential for a loose brick to fall out and hit you in the face.
4. Don't attempt to rob Macaulay Culkin. He'll throw a brick at your face.
5. Don't play any sport if they've replaced the ball with a brick.
6. Don't give children bricks. Any chance they get, and they'll hit you in the face with one.
7. If someone asks if they can hit you in the face with a brick, say no. Any other response guarantees you'll get hit in the face with a brick.
8. Refrain from attending or participating in any annual "Brick Tossing" competitions. That's just asking for it.
"8 Ways to Keep From Getting Hit in the Face with a Brick" is not written by me. I stole it from McSweeny's because one of its founders, David Eggers, is a hero of mine. Go read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, and you'll understand. Do it!
~~*~~
On pain of death, do I defy my king?
To throw myself in fortune's ring,
I have become what I hate most,
Seeking life's long forgotten ghost.
And here, I am to bow to you?
Behold, we know not anything;
I can but trust that good shall fall
At last — far off — at last, to all,
And every winter change to spring.
So runs my dream; but what am I?
An infant crying in the night;
An infant crying for the light,
And with no language but a cry. Alfred Tennyson
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
T.S. Eliot
Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead. Joss Whedon
I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections, and the truth of imagination.
John Keats
Lost love is still love...It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end...Love doesn't.
Mitch Albom
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion - I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more - I could be martyred for my religion - Love is my religion - I could die for that.
John Keats
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
Isaac Newton
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter.
Dr. Seuss
There’s a story to tell, hidden in me somewhere My story, though not the one I’d thought I’d tell When it came to it But I need to say these things Need to tell these things Picture in my mind Gray shadows fallen on grey waters It is time it is enough
Damnation? Salvation? The Tower.
He would come to the Dark Tower and there he would sing their names; there he would sing their names; there he would sing all their names.
Stephen King
Always recognize that human individuals are ends, and do not use them as means to your end.
Immanuel Kant
I am in that temper, that if I were under water, I would scarcely kick to come to the top.
John Keats
Buying books would be a good thing if one could also buy the time to read them in: but as a rule the purchase of books is mistaken for the appropriation of their contents.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Friedrich Nietzsche
As things stand now I am going to be a writer. I'm not sure that I am going to be a good one or even a self supporting one, but until the dark thumb of fate presses me to dust and says, 'You are nothing,' I will be a writer.
Hunter S. Thompson
I have fears that I may cease to be, before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain
John Keats
We fall from womb to tomb, from one blackness and toward another, remembering little of one and knowing nothing of the other...except through faith. That we retain our sanity in the face of these simple yet blinding mysteries is nearly divine. That we may turn the powerful intuition of our maginations upon them and regard them in this glass of dreams -- that we may, however timidly, place our hands within the hold which opens at the center of the column of truth -- that is...well, it's magic, isn't it?
Stephen King
I am not at all concerned
That the world, has yet to turn
To see me rising quickly at its back
My time will come
My time will come
~~*~~
Once on a yellow piece of paper
with green lines he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star And his mother hung it
on the kitchen door
And read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
Took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
His mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner
Sent him a valentine
Signed with a row of X's
And he had to ask his father
What the X's meant
And his father always
Tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper
With blue lines
He wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
Because that was the name
Of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
And asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it
On the kitchen door
Because of its new paint
And the kids told him
That Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister
Got glasses
With thick lenses and black frames
The girl around the corner laughed
When he asked her
To go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
His mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never
Tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
When he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper
Torn from his notebook
He wrote a poem And he called it
"Innocence: A Question"
Because that was the question
About his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
And a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it
On the kitchen door
Because he never showed her
That was the year
That Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
Of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
Making out on the back porch
His mother and father never kissed
Or even talked
And the girl around the corner
Wore too much makeup
That made him cough
When he kissed her
But he kissed her anyway
Because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M.
He tucked himself into bed
His father snoring soundly
That's why
On the back of a brown paper bag
He tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what
It was really all about
And he gave himself an A
And a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
Because this time he didn't think
He could reach the kitchen.
Godfathers Pizza OP, KS US Some kinda crappy managment Johnson Drive
Waaay to long
Shawnee Mission School District OP, KS US Paraeducator West High School
Like four years ago
Self Employed Wannabe Writer At my apt, sitting at the computer, in the US I try to write. But I have no money so I have to work. Somebody give my some money. I'll write whatever you want.
Seriously. I'm dying here.
Orb She is a step above the path I walk; a work of art, a false idol. Posted at 1:06 AM Aug 15 view more
Hi. My name is Chris and I'm a writer. For money, I work in a high school and make pizzas on the weekends. I work at Shawnee Mission West High School, where I'm a paraprofessional, which means I work with special needs kids in the Special Education department. On the weekends, I woke for Godfather's Pizza.
But mainly, I'm a writer.
I'm into hot coco by the fire, long walks on the beach, nihilism. I have a lot of interests, actually. There's a bunch of crap here that might help to define me. I have come to realize that this space is so much more me than anything else I have. I wish I could make my apartment reflect me as clearly as this page. No, actually, I wish I could make me reflect the real me as clearly as this. Does that make sense? Oh well. Read my blogs, watch the videos, add me as a friend.
Call me!
You won't call.
~~*~~
READ! COMMENT! ADD! SUBSCRIBE!
~~*~~
I have found myself, by the light of that accusing sun, alone, tempted and completely addicted to MySpace. Damn you, Tom!
~~*~~
~~*~~
The real-ish reason I started this myspace was because I needed a place to write. Art, like trees, means nothing if it falls over in a forest and no one is around to hear it. So I publish here. Please feel free to read or not read. PLEASE READ!
~~*~~
W A R N I N G ! !
Before reading any of Orb's Blogs please beware that sometimes he writes thing you might not want to hear. To help his readers, Orb has a Blog Rating System (BRS). Please view the link below before proceeding any further.
There's this book called Letters from a Nut. The author writes crazy letters to people. Like he writes the Baseball Hall of Fame and asks if they will accept a bag of Mickey Mantle toenail clippings, even if he is a level four bed-wetter. You have to read the book to really get it. Trust me, its funny. Anyway, I've done the same thing, except my letters aren't as funny. So if you aren't going to read the book, I guess you could read mine instead. I guess.
I started this little "series" a while ago for a lot of reasons, but mainly just as an exercise in self-loathing and bemused nostalgia. Whatever that means. Anyway, I wanted to have them all in one place for easy access.
Here's a bunch of videos and pictures that I mostly stole from other people in order to express my individuality. I put them here because I don't know how to express who I am, and these things allow me to be lazy about it. I'm not kidding or being ironic. I'm serious. This is what people do, right?
Everytime you went on about going to Grand Lake I mentioned that I went as a kid. you were just so stuck in Chris memory land land that you weren't listening. Everytime I mentioned it you acted like you never heard it before. Yes Chris, I went to Grand Lake like every year as a kid. and I frolicked my balls off.
I did frolick at Grand Lake. and you can't say that a kid frolicking is gay, that's what kids do. If I said that I was frolicking around the house last week that would be gay. and you're gay.
I frolicked the hell out of my childhood. I didn't confuse shit with shit. don't lie and say you frolicked, you sat and wrote poems about fish, and clouds, and dudes.
Brad is my cousin, e.j's brother. you don't know all of my family, dude.
btw, you should come down and see transformers, if you're allowed to leave the state.
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