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QuickUpdate

29th October 2008
We're recording again next month...a brand new tune, we've never even played live. We're all pretty excited. We're pushing back 'Plans' and we're going to do something else in time for December instead. The cd itself is going to be a bit different from the usual fare and we'll probably put one of the tracks online or something as it's going to be pretty limited. To guarantee you get to hear everything on it though, make sure that you come to a show to get it!

Renowned drummer and close personal friend of a guy we once met, Rob Fruit, is going to be drumming for us on the 13th at the Flapper. Palmer will be in New York and although we did want to get a live feed set up, this just wasn't possible. sorry.

We're playing a 'secret gig' on the 27th and we're pretty excited about it. It's going to be our last gig before Sharp goes travelling for a few months around Asia. I believe he is planning on getting addicted to Opium or something rock n roll like that. More gig news to come. Cheers for reading

Palmer'sDisease

2nd October 2008
We all have Conquistacolds! Bloody Palmer!

Palmer'sDiary

1st October 2008
CONKS & SHAPES DO A FEW PLACES AROUND THE UK, WITH VARIED SUCCESS.
(vids + pics to come)
Featuring:
o Shapes (Steve, Rich, Gav)
o Conquistadors (James, Oz, Ad, me)
o Wiz (of Blakfish and van driving fame)

Day 1
Bar Rouge, Halifax.

After a good 4 hour drive from Birmingham to Halifax (the North’s hub of the Credit Crunch, and home to 80% of England’s population of platinum-blonde girls), we were left somewhat bitter. We arrived at around 7 to what was essentially very nice, well-presented and fairly posh (in a mutton-dressed-as-lamb kind of way) restaurant/bar that was tidying up after its dinnertime carvery. Sounds pretty fucking rockin’ already, no?
No.

As soon as we stepped through the doors, we had that sinking feeling of impending doom that you get before something terrible happens (you know, the sensation that terminally ill people get before they kick it). The music was a mix between chart-dance songs and 90s Hit Parade rock, and with the likes of Chad ‘fucking’ Kroeger* and Girls Aloud on plasma screens dotted around the place.

Anyway, now that I’ve set the scene I may as well talk about the gig. We (Conquistadors) went on at about 9.30 in front of a crowd of maybe eight or nine people (at a push). And that includes the three members of Shapes, Wiz, the two soundguys and the barmaid. After stumbling and stuttering our way through our set, we discovered that the Bar Rouge faithful had taken umbrage to the volume of our songs and we were asked, in no uncertain terms, to leave. This is shambolic enough, but what really got on our tits was the fact that they insisted on only paying for the one band. Surely it’s only polite that if you book two bands and then decide to cancel the show after one, you would pay at least some of the fee for both bands? This must be how they operate Up North**.

One particularly humorous event of the evening was a middle-aged rocker (in a Beatles t-shirt) announcing that the Conks were the ‘worst band he’s ever heard’, and he must know what he’s talking about because not only had he ‘seen more rock bands than we have had hot dinners’, but more crucially, ‘his wife is a punk’***.

The night wasn’t a complete disaster however, as an old mate of Ad’s said we could crash at his place in Leeds. So, a huge thanks to Beej for changing a pretty shit night into a pretty fucking good night complete with lager, cold pasties and Wii golf!

Ah well, one show down, four to go. Birmingham tomorrow so at least we’ll have home advantage.

* You know, the Nickleback singer who looks a bit like Jesus would if he was Canadian. And a tramp.
** After a few phone calls to the real manager, we have been promised money for this. Jim’s fixed it for us.
*** Seriously, what a fucking prick.

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Day 2
Bar Academy, Birmingham

After the shitheap that was Halifax, we were almost catatonically relieved to get back to Birmingham and play a real music venue. I like the Bar Academy: it’s always well-organised, there’s always a good crowd and unlike Halifax, they appreciate that when they book a ‘rock’ band, that they could well get more than an Oasis covers band. Also, I don’t know if it was just me, but the girl doing the sound was alluringly attractive. I’m telling you, there’s nothing sexier than a girl in headphones who knows her way around a sound desk. Anyway, I digress.

The gig itself went without much of a problem: Gav broke his snare, James broke a string and I forgot how to count to four, but other than that it was grand. Blue Nation and Million Empire were on the bill with us, and both played good sets so I think all in all, Birmingham was a pretty successful night. So successful, in fact, that I can’t think of anything else to write.

Next up: Harrogate!
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Day 3(a)
The Black Swan, Harrogate

So, back Up North for this one, to the wealthy spa town of Harrogate. Tonight’s venue: a family-run bed and breakfast which has only previously played host to a collection of folky singer-songwriter types. Remember that feeling of impending doom I had in Halifax? Well it’s back, and this time there’s a side-order of anxiety.

Despite this initial trepidation, the sound check went without problem. The landlady was fine with us playing, the volume wasn’t too over the top, and she didn’t mind us drinking the boxes of Fosters that organiser-man Josh had provided; she even said that we could stay for as long as we like. Good times!
Then she flipped.

Now, when I say ‘flipped’, I mean she went completely fucking bananas. At some point, after sound check and before Pattern were going on, a stool fell over at the back of the room. I can only assume that in Harrogate, stool-vandalism is a crime punishable by death, because she went completely mental and kicked us out. Seriously, we got kicked out for knocking over a stool. Not quite on the same level of rock and roll outrages as, say, driving a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool, but it got up her just the same.

So, after half an hour of bemused looks and failed arguments we left, only to discover that there was a club in Harrogate centre which would host the gig. So, off we went.

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Day 3(b)
Crabtrees, Harrogate
After our peculiar ordeal at the Black Swan, we were understandably jaded when we arrived at this new venue, but lit up as soon as we discovered that it was proudly touted as ‘the cheapest bar in Harrogate’. Things were looking up.

We got in, unpacked, got told off by the sound man for having too much bass in the guitars* and got on with it. Unfortunately, due to half of the evening already being eaten up by the drunken mentalist at the Black Swan, we could only play around 4 songs each. Pattern started, and were really good: energetic, catchy and all-around good lads; Shapes then took the stage and did their thing with the usual emphatic spectacular enthusiasm, followed by us rocking out our 4-song set. I wouldn’t say we went down like a storm there, in fact, we were hated by a good two-thirds of the clientele in there** but my god, it was good to actually play that night.

After that, organiser Josh gracefully let us crash at his house, where we topped off a troublesome evening with a pretty amazing night. More about that another time.

* I would normally have a go at him now for being a smart-arsed prick, but he supplied us with the P.A. at the last minute at 10pm on a Saturday night, so fair play.
* There should be a picture somewhere of some dude pulling the best face I’ve ever seen in my life when Shapes were on. It was like he had a piss-flavoured Haribo tangfastic stuck in his teeth, I really hope someone took a picture.

Next up: Nottingham!

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Day 4
The Running Horse, Nottingham

After the organiser of the Bristol gig went AWOL, this show turned out to be the final leg of the tour, and ended somewhat fittingly.

We arrived at about 5pm, tired, hungover, full of Chinese buffet, yet fairly optimistic about returning to the Midlands. WE arrived at 5, but the LOCAL band from NOTTINGHAM couldn’t make it there until 8. Go figure.

The show itself started at around 9.30 (because the guitarist for the aforementioned local band was stuck in traffic*). The first band** were what you would get if you combined the worst bits of Oasis, Ocean Colour Scene and a variety of other mid-90’s Hit Parade rock. In fact, they would go down a fucking storm if they ever played in Halifax.

Anyway, thanks to the late-running guitarist and the lead singer’s ego, The First Band played for a good 40 minutes. This meant that yet again, Shapes and the Conks only had time to play four song sets.

It didn’t matter anyway, as both bands played arguably our best sets of the tour. We certainly entertained some massively drunk Scandinavian*** who was rocking out to, well, everything. I mean, was headbanging to The First Band: say no more. Unfortunately, he missed Shapes’ set as he got kicked out after falling on his arse a couple of times, then trying to hijack Oz’s microphone.
Classy chap.

* Funny how he got ‘caught in traffic’ driving across the city, yet we drove from Harrogate and made it there for 5
** I say ‘first band’ because I can’t for the life of me remember their name. I shall refer to them from now on as “The First Band”
*** At least I think he was Scandinavian. He was a tall blond metalhead – where else would he be from?

So there we are; a whirlwind 4-date tour of England, that had a 50% success rate, and where we were hated by people in 75% of the places we went. Rock and roll has never been so glamorous.

What we’ve learnt:

o Halifax is rubbish
o Female sound engineers are quite sexy
o “Seventeen year olds aren’t what they used to be”
o The film ‘Airplane’ isn’t so funny when you’re actually on the plane
o Arguing with an alcoholic landlady is a fruitless pursuit
o It’s impossible for me to look normal in any picture or film
o Harrogate Pizza Hut has a height restriction
o Malibu doesn’t make for a particularly good lager chaser

Harryfax

27th September 2008
We've sort of been on tour for one and a half days now. It started off with the worst gig ever in Halifax. We played to a total of 9 people: 3 members of Shapes, Wiz (our faithful steed), the 'promotor' (although I use this term very lightly), 2 sound guys, a member of the bar staff, and one of the Bar Rouge faithful who's wife was a punk, and therefore knew more about good music than Johnny fucking Rotten. And us, of course.

But seriously, we implore bands never, EVER to use Bar Rouge as a venue. We drove 120 miles to Halifax, played our set, and were told to leave. Shapes weren't allowed to play, so we got paid 1/2 the promised fee. The girl promoting us was nice enough, but having never listened to either band before booking us was shocked when she realised we weren't an Oasis covers band. She was out of her depth, and she knew it. Plus the venue was a carvery by day, and to quote Steve Shapes: we didn't even get any meat.

But Birmingham was a triumph, as always. The Academy were as welcoming and professional as ever, and the support everyone showed was really appreciated. We had a great night, and it made up for the Halifax shambles.

Anyway, we're going to Harrogate, so we'll update in a few days.

Steinofthetimes

15th September 2008


So…Saturday night ended up with us covered in beer, sweat and blood, having just played a gig on a 45 degree angle. I have two or three video blogs we made at the time expressing our opinions about the show we played that night, but as the vast majority of said content seems to be pretty offensive, I am going to have a wee think about how to explain what happened that night and describe some of the people involved without just using using a string of swear words. I’ll get back you when that happens.

In the mean time, massive thanks the people who made a special effort to see us at the show in Walsall: Ruth who travelled from Liverpool – European Capital of Culture, Jenni who travelled from near Nantwich, Crewe – England’s capital of pubs and hairdressers and Andy who travelled from Selly Oak - the student capital of Birmingham. Thanks for making the effort.

Also, massive shout outs to the bands from that night. Well, let me rephrase that...massive shout outs to Spectre, Maycomb and Koobors Law. We met some of you guys before and after the show and you were absolutely lovely. We all made the best of it, eh? If there is a band in that list, which is conspicuous by their absence, there is a reason for that…

Until the next update, rejoice in our new stickers…

action:

5th September 2008
OK, so we're back in action. We've been taking a break to record some new material which we showcased for the first time at the Actress and Bishop gig last week. But don't worry. If you missed it, we've got tonnes of gigs lined up over the next few months, including our mini-tour with Shapes, so we'll hopefully see you somewhere between Harrogate and Bristol.

If you can't wait that long, though, we're playing at the Stein Bar in Walsall on September 13th, which promises to be pretty mental. FREE ENTRY, Five bands in a marquee, a Kerrang! DJ set, two main rooms (one indie/rock, one METAL), and a clothing policy which states 'No baseball caps, but anything else goes'. Conquistadors will be in thongs. We'll see you there.

obscurethings

30th August 2008
Thanks to everyone who came down to the Actress & Bishop gig the other night. We had a great time and really appreciated your support. Obscure Toy Promotions should also be something you check out, as the organisation of the night was spot on! Anyway, here's a little something for you to mull over in lieu of our next gig on 13th September at Stein Bar, Walsall.

newflyers

05th August 2008
Hullo. check out this lovely flyer by Sam Berrington. It's going to be a real good treat of a night so come down!



...and then theres this - which is part of our tour with Shapes

newphotos

29th June 2008
We've added some new photos which you can view here.

bassbeats

28th June 2008
Just a quick update to let everyone know how the recording is going. We've got the drums down, Andy was blistering (literally) in the studio. Today and tomorrow we're doing bass with Wiz (Blakfish) and with the help of Buckley (Shapes).

We'll keep you posted. Big thanks to everyone who's supported us so far!

artworks

18th June 2008

Click the picture to see it in all of it's slightly larger glory....
Massive thanks to the talented artiste Jenni Clowes.

thetimeisnigh

17th June 2008
The news in brief(s) - Tour. September 25th – 30th. Conks + Shapes. Get in touch via the email link at the top of the page. New cd by then too. Recording drums on Saturday. Lots to be excited about!

computerflaws

16th June 2008
Computers are rubbish. The Internet is rubbish. But thankfully, although our songs suddenly disappeared from the file host we were originally using, our EP is still available for bulk download with artwork here. Apparently the Internet isn't actually that rubbish after all.

throwsomeSHAPES

9th May 2008
Hullo one and all. Just a quick message to inform you (if you already didn’t know) that the mighty Shapes are playing the Flapper and Firkin tonight with OK Pilot, doors opening at 8pm. Andrew 'Chocolate Party' Palmer and I went to see them last Saturday and they were bloody amazing. Some of Conks will be seeing them tonight, so please come join us!

‘Are they as good as the guy who stands outside the Pallasades in town with a violin playing ‘My Heart Will Go On’? - I hear you ask! To answer your question: YES. Marginally. In all seriousness though, they’re a great band and their embarassingly good six track cd is available for only £3. Anyway, just to reiterate, go see our future tourmates Shapes tonight. See you there!

we'rewriting

6th April 2008
As you've probably gathered by now our gigs column is empty for the first time in about three months. This is because we're spending the next month updating our setlist with four new songs which are bound to literally blow off some part of your anatomy via hard rock or, failing that, at least flay you a bit. But seriously, check out this exclusive vid and feel comfort in the knowledge that next time we play live we'll be even better than last time.

localtalent

3rd April 2008
So… ¾ of the conks went to see Reuben last night at the Academy 2 . We missed the Baddies support slot which I am a bit disappointed about because after buying the marvellous ‘two by three’ split EP, I’m sure that their stuff would come across well live. Anywho, in the crowd we bumped into members of Blakfish , Elmira Landmine and Shapes/62 Pennies (62 Pennies and Elmira Landmine are sadly no more) and it made me realise what a renaissance the Birmingham music scene is having right now. Obviously two of the bands mentioned have since split but those members have gone onto other things as well as inspiring many other local lads and lasses to pick up instruments get writing. I'll never forget seeing Elmira Landmine at the Actress and Bishop a few years back, it was absolutely amazing and the energy obliterated 90% of the signed, touring bands i have seen since. If you haven’t been to a show in a while, get down to one, even if it’s not us (but obviously we’d prefer it if it was)…there’s some amazing bands out there.

BarAcademy

1st April 2008
Hello all! Big thanks to the 65+ people who specifically came out to see us at Birmingham’s Bar Academy and all of the others who had kind words to say afterwards. It totally surpassed our last gig at the Leicester Charlotte (by no means a bad gig) in every way, so we couldn’t have been happier. Shoutouts are also fully deserved by The Firing Irons, Million Empire and Ride The Skyline . Finally, the job that the sound guy did was amazing, so on the off chance that you’re reading this, many, many thanks to you sir, everything came through clear as a bell. I hope that all of you who came to the gig and/or out on the town with us afterwards cherish your badges which came free with your tickets…next time, we’ll have some new stuff to play and we’ll also look at getting some bigger, better merch on display.

Speaking of gigs and new stuff, we’re currently sorting out some new dates, so if anyone wants us to play, feel free to drop us a line at conquistadorsmusic[at]gmail[dot]com or message us on good ole myspace. There’s rumours abound of us playing a gig in a city famed for its scholars, punts and now a certain bunch of Hardcore enthusiasts…more on that to come - we’re bloody excited! Plus there’s more gigs in Brum to be announced, with some bands we’ve not played with before but we’re big fans of, which will be lovely.

Also to come is a sneak peek at new conks material and some gig photos, so keep your eyes peeled!

goingson

23rd March 2008
This is our first update for a while as we've been pretty busy what with one thing and another (new songs, to be precise). Thanks to everyone who came out to see us at the Charlotte in Leicester, we think it was the best and tightest we've ever played which hopefully will come across in the live recording that was made that night. As soon as we get some news on that, we’ll let you know!

Now we're looking forward to the Birmingham Bar Academy gig which, as it stands, is SOLD OUT. We managed to sell out our first batch of allocated tickets fairly quickly and the next batch disappeared in just two days, which has left us pretty overwhelmed. We'd like to say thanks to everyone who's shown their support, it really means a lot. Plus, those of you who have bought tickets are helping fund EP number two!

Keep checking back as we’re planning on uploading pictures from our last couple of gigs as soon as we get them. For those who didn't come to the Actress & Bishop gig (and for those who did, but didn't notice this...) here's picture of Acres of Ocean guitarist Adam taken after he'd played the entirety of their set with a Conks badge shoved through his hand. Seriously.

gig:charlotte

10th March 2008
After a great turn out for the Actress & Bishop gig with Acres of Ocean and Blakfish (thanks to all who came, by the way) and a hugely successful, but slightly tiring rehearsal yesterday, we're totally looking forward to tonight's charity gig at The Charlotte in Leicester. As always, we'd love to see everyone there, but if you can't make it, fear not! The entire show will be broadcast LIVE on both DemonFM 97.5fm (if you live in Leicester) and on DemonFM's website! So seriously, tune in. Should be a good show. Plus all proceeds go to charity.

gig:actress&bishop

2nd March 2008
Awesome lineup approaching at the The Actress & Bishop in Birmingham. We're playing with Acres of Ocean and Blakfish next Wednesday 5th March. Don't miss it - small venue, raucous.... gonna be awesome.

EPDownload

28th February 2008
You can now download our Out Of Experience EP for FREE in the downloads section (right hand side, beneath Upcoming Gigs). Enjoy.

Conquistadorsen France

24th February 2008
Oz (bass) is taking flyer distibution seriously at the moment. Being the romantic type he's taken his girlfriend Jenni (the artiste responsible for our current pelagic theme) to Paris for her Birthday. Before going, however, he knocked up a bunch of flyers en Francais to scatter around the capital. So, if you're responding to one of those flyers, Bonjoir! Merci! and we hope you enjoy our music.

Gig:Bar Academy

11th February 2008
March will be a busy month with three gigs lined up already and a couple more on the cards. Check out the flyer for our Bar Academy gig with The Firing Irons, Million Empire and Ride The Skyline. Tickets are £4 (bargain), plus you can get into Ramshackle for a quid and it's £1.60 a pint in the BarAcad all night! Plus we'll be there.