Craig Asbury

In Lieu of heroes per se, I present cool quotes as a tribute to those persons real and imagined who have given me inspiration, entertainment...and even evolved me as a person:

Be careful when you quote. I'm a huge fan of 'Coupling' and find the character of Jeff to be a nearly endless repository of great quotes. There is a classic episode that (long story short) finds Jeff in his office building conference room blindfolded and stripping naked, while joyfully chanting about getting to have sex...and unbeknownst to him a shocked and silent group of his friends and coworkers are watching in horror mere feet away. Jeff's parents enter the room to find everyone staring at Jeff buck naked and unaware of his plight, to which his mother disappointingly sighs 'Ohhh...Jeffrey'.

Now, this made and makes me laugh like a fool every time I see the episode, and the mere thought of it practically sends me into spasms of laughter. One day I had just watched the episode and was walking around the house saying 'ohhh...Jeffrey' over and over cracking myself up. After a bit I was getting ready to head out and hopped into the shower, still cracking myself up with the quote, only to emerge from the bathroom to find my family had come home and had been hearing me in the shower repeating 'Ohhhh Jeffrey' over and over while giggling.

As I said, be careful when you quote. Use the following wisely:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

In general its fashion I disdain. As Jughead Jones once said, I never worry about going OUT of style as I was never IN style.

A whiskery kiss
For the one
You adore
May not make her mad
But her face will be sore
Burma-Shave

Signs Your Neighbor is a Serial Killer (a condensed David Letterman top ten list):
Overheard muttering to himself, "Damn lying squirrels!".
Wonders if his front lawn landscaping would impress Jodie Foster.
Flashing neon sign on his roof reads DRIFTERS WELCOME.
Since he moved to town, the paper's obituary section has expanded to four pages.
Often selling Domino's Pizza uniforms at yard sales
Always says, "Let's see what else is on" whenever "America's Most Wanted" starts.
You feel perfectly happy after killing one person, but he insists on killing more.

"I've known days when I'd wake up and say 'be careful of the love that you find'. Why must I take it so hard? Other people get by with either bourbon or God..." Aimee Mann "Why Must I".

"My hearse will be followed not by mourning coaches but by herds of oxen, sheep, swine, flocks of poultry and a small traveling aquarium of live fish, all wearing white scarves in honor of the man who perished rather than eat his fellow creatures." George Bernard Shaw.

"I'm a superball. You can bounce me once and I'll ricochet around the room. If I pick up speed get out of my way, I'm a sonic boom. And I'll warn you now the velocity I'm gathering will knock you down, send the chairs and lamps all scattering." Aimee Mann, Superball.

"After the kicks, there's little old mixed up me, trying to lose a dream that used to be."

"All the love I could beg, steal, or borrow, can not heal all this pain in my soul. What is love but a prelude to sorrow, with a heartache ahead for your goal?" Blue Prelude

Roger Moore as the misogynistic "Ffolkes", explaining his hatred of women, mentions his childhood and casually throws off probably the single greatest underrated comic line of all time: "Both my parents died tragically in childbirth."

"That's a nice little nothing you're almost wearing." James Bond to a negligee clad beauty.

"Son of a gun" Joey Bishop

"When I was about 6 years old, my Momma took me on a trip to the city. We went to one of those big ole' department stores and I got lost. They tried to page her but the PA system was on the fritz, I never saw my Momma again. Some people from the cosmetics department fed me a bowl of soup and some bread. The days stretched into weeks. One February they got pretty jammed up during the semi annual Lincoln's birthday sale and they asked me to help out in pre-teen maternity. Then one day I overhead a conversation on personnel about them needing a new jingle for their radio ad, so I picked up my guitar and I wrote down a tune that had been mulling and creeping and crawling around in my head." Nick Rivers on his childhood, from the film 'Top Secret'.

"A town's a lonely town when you pass through and there is no one waiting there for you. You wander up and down, the crowds rush by, a million faces pass before your eyes. Still...it's a lonely town, unless there's love, a love that's shining like a harbor light." (Lonely Town). Frank Sinatra sang this song in such a mournful way it can break your heart listening to him.

"Once, once I loved. And I gave so much love to this love, you were the world to me. Once I cried at the thought I was foolish and proud and let you say goodbye. And then one day, from my infinite sadness you came and brought me love again. Now I know that no matter whatever befalls I'll never let you go, I will hold you close, make you stay. Because love is the saddest thing when it goes away." O Amor en Paz (Once I Loved). Jobim's melancholy masterpiece, another song Frank Sinatra sang better than anyone else.

"I'll never smile again, until I smile at you. I'll never laugh again, what good would it do? For tears would fill my eyes, my heart would realize that our romance is through. I'll never love again, I'm so in love with you. I'll never thrill again to somebody new. Within my heart I know I will never start to smile again, until I smile at you." I'll Never Smile Again. Frank recorded this one several times, every version has it's own charms.

"I was born a baby in Denmark one year before my first birthday. We didn't have much money and so I was born at home, after my mother saw me she was taken to the hospital. At the age of four my parents wanted me to become a musician but they didn't know exactly what instrument they wanted me to play until one night my father popped me in the living room in front of the roaring fire, this made him very angry because we didn't have the fireplace." Victor Borge to Frank Sinatra on the radio show 'Command Performance'.

Oscar Wilde once said "We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars".

That Mitchell and Webb Look skit...two nazi soldiers on the battlefront start to discuss whether or not they 'are the baddies' based on the fact that their helmets have skulls on them. One of the soldiers is very troubled by this and goes on at length about the awfulness of skulls. His companion points out that there are worse things than skulls, such as a rat's anus, to which the troubled soldier replies: "Yeah and if we were fighting an army marching under the banner of a rat's anus I'd probably be a lot less worried Hans."

"But you invite abuse Frank, it would be impolite to refuse" Hawkeye to Major Burns. M*A*S*H

From 'The Parole Officer', as the lads are in jail and their teenage comrade Kirsty breaks them out by ramming down the wall of their cell with her van. On the back she has written a message explaining that it is her and that they should get in the van, a message which is quickly and excitedly misread by the crew, one of whom shouts out the words "It's get Kirsty in!!".

"Where are you? Why do you hide? Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?" Shirley Bassey singing "Moonraker".

"A vegetarian is someone who does not eat meat, you insane bitch~!" Jane's psychologist explaining to her that one cannot be vegetarian and still 'suck a whole pig through a straw', in "Coupling".

"There was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy. They say he wondered very far, very far over land and sea. A little child and sad of eye but very wise was he. And then one day, a magic day he passed my way and while we spoke of many things, fools and kings, this he said to me: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". Nat King Cole singing the Eden Ahbaz classic "Nature Boy"

The wolf
Is shaved
So neat and trim
Red Riding Hood
Is chasing him
Burma-Shave

Oscar Madison confronting Felix Unger in 'The Odd Couple': "I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Unger"

"Then what they called an 'industrial accident' crushed those it couldn't forgive. They brought Billy's father back home in an ambulance...brass watch, a cheque, maybe three weeks to live." Sting, 'Island Of Souls'.

"All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around... I would roll in the fog... I would bring in storms... I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off." Steve Martin, "L.A. Story".

On the TV show Mad Men, advertising expert Don Draper decides to change the name of a product for Kodak, as he pitches his advertising campaign to the company representatives. He speaks of a Greek named Teddy he once worked for, then has the lights dimmed and fires up a Kodak 'wheel' slide projector, the very product he is making adverts for, and gives a wondrous speech as the photographs pass by: “Teddy told me that in Greek nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound. It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a space ship...it's a time machine. It goes backwards, forwards. Takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels, around and around and back home again to a place where we know we were loved.” His speech concludes as the slides go blank. One of his coworkers is reduced to tears and runs out of the room. I too, watching in my house, was sitting with tears streaming down my face.

Ways to Add Excitement to a Long Car Trip (a condensed David Letterman top ten list):
Practice sudden bootlegger turns.
When traffic is light, drop pants around your ankles.
Have long conversations with imaginary friends after picking up hitchhikers.
Lean on horn and swerve as you approach stalled motorists.
Tune to static on radio and pretend you're the last person on Earth.
See how long you can drive with your eyes closed.
Talk guy behind counter at Stuckey's into leaving family and joining you.

Tim Allen as Jason Nesmith in 'Galaxy Quest': "Never give up~! Never surrender~!"

"If I have to listen to you bitch, don't be surprised when I beat you to death with my shoe." From the film "My Fellow Americans".

"Ok, it's Monday morning, your name is ML Pogue. You live in Venice, that's Venice California, you have an office just off the boardwalk. You're a small time gumshoe...credit reports, insurance scams, that kind of stuff. Nothing you'd call...adventurous. Right now you're on vacation, temporarily, you're unable to take any cases due to illness. You have a dog, he has a depth perception problem." Dana Carvey as M.L. Pogue "Clean Slate"

"I saw a friend of mine, he said, 'you look different somehow'. I said, 'everybody's got to leave the darkness sometime!'" Sting, I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying.

"You've been living in the shadows so long that you close your eyes when the lights come on." Thompson Twins, "Strange Jane".

"I'm tired of the city, of smokestack and steel. I'm tired of the grind of the factory wheel. I'm spreading my wings and I'm ready to fly to the land of the wide open sky. I'm bound for texas land, to hear the moo and rattle of snakes and cattle. I'll save up my money and look for a wife, a wife who'll be true and a pal for life. I'll build her a home and a room for a child, with the roses around growing wild. I'll sing her a song at the end of the day, a song that will drive all our cares away. I'll sing of the prairie, the blue starry skies, and the stars shining bright in her eyes." Charlie Chaplin's comic western song, from 'The Pilgrim'.

"It's not that I'm frightened of being alone, it's just that I know what a burden this grief can be. Nobody wants to be happier more than me, nobody wants to be happier more than I do. But happiness, I must confess, I don't have."'Til Tuesday, "Long Gone (Buddy)".

"Helloooo ball" Ed Norton to golfball.

"With a little perseverance you can get things done, without the blind adherence that has conquered some." Corey Hart, never surrender.

"There's a new game we like to play you see, a game with added reality, you treat me like a dog get me down on my knees. It's a lot like life this play between the sheets, with you on top and me underneath. Forget all about equality, let's play master and servant." Depeche Mode, "Master And Servant".

"Away from the city that hurts and mocks, I'm standing alone by the desolate docks, in the still and the chill of the night. I see the horizon, the great unknown, my heart has an ache it's as heavy as stone. Will the dawn coming on make it light? I cover the waterfront, I'm watching the sea, for the one I love is coming back to me. I cover the waterfront in search of my love, and I'm covered by a deep blue sky above. Here am I patiently waiting hoping and longing, oh how I've yearned. Where are you? Are you forgetting? Do you remember, will you return?" One of the saddest songs ever written "I Cover The Waterfront", Mel Torme sang it best.

"Sheets of double glazing help to keep outside the night, only foreign city sirens can cut through. Nylon sheets and blankets help to minimize the cold, but they can't keep out the chilling sounds. Now I'm one with the living and I'm feeling just like I know what I gotta do, play the game of happiness and never let on that it only lives on in a song." Genesis, "Domino Part 1"

"You fill up my senses,
like a night in a forest,
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain,
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean,
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you,
come let me love you,
come fill me again."
John Denver "Annie's Song", probably the greatest love song ever written.

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Harry, "When Harry Met Sally".

"Down the way where the nights are gay and the sun shines daily on the mountaintop, I took a trip on a sailing ship and when I reached Jamaica I made a stop...but I'm sad to say, I'm on my way, won't be back for many a day. My heart is down, my head is turning around, I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town." Jamaica Farewell. (perhaps the finest calypso song ever).

Nostalgic flash for people who lived in Chicago and it's suburbs in the 1970's and 80's. Everyone else will be confuzzled by these two famous lines from local television commercials: "That old car is worth money, call Victory auto wreckers!" "Five eight eight, two three hundred, Empire!"

"Now that I have found you, in the coolth of your evening smile, the shade of your parasol, and your love flows through me. Though I drink at your pool...I burn for you, I burn for...
You and I are lovers. When night time folds around our bed, in peace we sleep entwined, and your love flows through me. Though an ocean soothes my head, I burn for you, I burn for you.
Stars will fall from dark skies, as ancient rocks are turning, quiet fills the room, and your love flows through me. Though I lie here so still, I burn for you, I burn for you..." The Police, "I Burn For You".

"Hopes and dreams are things that life can shatter, learn to lift your head and say it doesn't matter. Birdies sing in cages too, they know that's the thing to do. Little birds can do it, why can't you?" Al Jolson singing "Why Can't You"

"You know this fellow is many-sided, a tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure. He would have you believe he is a scientist, a musician, a duke, a polo player. However, he is not above picking up cigarette butts or robbing a baby of its candy. And, of course, if the occasion warrants it, he will kick a lady in the rear—but only in extreme anger!" Charlie Chaplin describing his famous screen character 'The Little Tramp'.

"Well GOOO0LLY Sergeant Carter". Gomer Pyle to, well, Sgt. Carter

"It is good to love as many things as one can, for therein lies true strength, and those who love much, do much and accomplish much, and whatever is done with love is done well." Vincent van Gogh

"Let's have a black celebration tonight to celebrate the fact that we've seen the back of another black day. I look to you, how you carry on when all hope is gone. Can't you see? Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to someone like me. I want to take you in my arms, forgetting all I couldn't do today." Depeche Mode, "Black Celebration"

"Oh God it's raining but I'm not complaining, it's filling me up with new life. The Stars in the sky bring tears to my eyes, they're lighting my way tonight. And I haven't felt so alive in years!
Just for a day on a day like today I'll get away from this constant debauchery. The wind in my hair makes me so aware how good it is to live tonight. And I haven't felt so alive in years. The moon is shining in the sky, reminding me of so many other nights, but they're not like tonight!
Oh God it's raining and I'm not containing my pleasure at being so wet. Here on my own, all on my own, how good it feels to be alone tonight. And I haven't felt so alive in years. The moon is shining in the sky, reminding me of so many other nights, when my eyes have been so red I've been mistaken for dead. But not tonight."
Depeche Mode, "But Not Tonight". This song ends their pessimistic and overwhelmingly bleak 'Black Celebration' album, showing that all things have hope, if you wait long enough.

"All alone I sit and dream of someone, someone that I hold as my ideal. Hoping that someday I'll find that someone, wondering what the future will reveal. For some girls are quickly forgotten, and gone with the dawn of the day. But some you remember like the last glowing ember, haunting your memory and dreams. For I'm just a vagabond lover, in search of a sweetheart it seems, and I know that someday I'll discover her, the girl of my vagabond dreams." Rudy Vallee sang this song 'The Vagabond Lover' in 1929. In many ways it has become my personal viewpoint on love.

Tony Francis, lounge singer, explains his relationship to his employer: "I never even met the guy! He watches my show from up in his penthouse, he sends down these messages, 'your jokes suck, you walk like a peacock, sing feelings for me'." From the film 'The Adventures Of Pluto Nash'.

"Sometimes people who are never alone are the loneliest. Most lonely people try to figure it out...about loneliness" Ida Lupino as Mary, in "On Dangerous Ground".

"and two white birds clinging like foam to the crest of a wave rolling by..." (Nina and Frederik singing "Listen To The Ocean").

"You drift through the years and life seems tame, til' one dream appears and love is its name" (Nancy Sinatra singing the James Bond title song "You Only Live Twice").

Imagine a scene from the Charlie Chaplin film "The Gold Rush". Chaplin's character falls asleep, dreaming of the dance hall girl (Georgia) he has fallen in love with. And in his dreams, romance and charm are his, he entertains Georgia and her friends in a small Alaskan cabin, then he spears two rolls with his dinner forks, and maneuvers them as if they were feet. Chaplin narrates: "And there was Georgia caressing him with her smiles and tender glances. And the girls called for a speech, but he was too happy to speak. All that mattered was Georgia was there, Georgia! So he muttered and stuttered and finally said 'I can't make a speech, but I'll do a dance...' And a dance he did, with the rolls...".

"Silent golden movies, talkies, technicolour, long ago. My younger ways stand clearer, clearer than my footprints. Stardom greats I've followed closely, closer than the nearest heartbeat, longer than expected, they were great. Oh love oh love, just to see them acting on the silver screen, oh my. Clark Gable, Fairbanks, Maureen O'Sullivan...Fantasy would fill my life and I love fantasy so much. Did you see in the morning light, I really talked, yes I did, to Gods early dawning light. And I was privileged to be as I am to this day, to be with you...to be with you." The Friends Of Mr. Cairo (Jon and Vangelis).

She put
A bullet
Thru his hat
But he's had
Closer shaves than that
Burma-Shave

How bad is that~!? Me.

Kilroy was here.