De Montfort University
Leicester, United Kingdom
Graduated: 2004
Student status: Alumni
Degree: Bachelor's Degree
Major: Performing Arts
Clubs: The Scratching Beagles!
2001 to 2004
Guinness is sick of Christmas already. Bah! Humbug!
About me: I was born in the wagon of a travellin' show,
My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw,
Papa would do whatever he could.
Preach a little gospel, sell a couple bottles of doctor good.
Well, OK, that's not strictly true. Or even partly true, for that matter.
Nor was I born in a crossfire hurricane, whatever the hell one of them is. Thing is, there's no decently lyrical way of saying I was born in Great Yarmouth.
And who gives a shit, anyway? This is no autobiography. I'll get someone to write me one of them when I'm richer and more successful.
As it is, I'm a stand-up comedian. This is mainly because I loathe the idea of regular work that pays well, although I've been forced to have one of those jobs too.
God, I need more paying gigs...
Anyway, enough of my day-to-day misery. Stand up comedy is what gets me through, acting as that proverbial spoonfull of sugar that helps the medicine go down. (Please note: This is a proverb, not medical advice. Particularly if your medicine is insulin.)
So, help me out. Come to my gigs. There are much worse ways of spending an evening, and you get to drink with me, which is always nice. The odds of my getting uncomfortably emotional are reassuringly low.
In the middle of leading a tour around London the other day i had a sudden, yet random thought that made me laugh so hard i nearly puked... 'Syncronised, standing!?!" how's it going? Long time no insult, do you have facebook? hardly use Myspace anymore, more people are are facebook thesedays...
If you're in trouble he will save the day He's brave and he's fearless come what may Without him the mission would go astray He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer He's handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer He will never need a zimmer He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
More reliable than a garden trimmer He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer
Master of the wit and the repartee His command of space directives is uncanny How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me! Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
He's also a fantastic swimmer And if you play your cards right Then he just might come round for dinner He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
No rhymes left now apart from quimmer He'd better fade us out before we get to schlimmer Fade out you stupid plimmer
Hey hey. I might be able to come to Melton to have that meeting at last in a couple of weeks. Got so many ideas my head might explode, which will be messy and I don't really want that to happen.
Hello! Just a quick message to let you know that Haich and Lux Mundi are on at the Kings Head (Melton Mowbray) this Sunday. It's free entry and should be a good gig! Starts at 7.30. Hope to see you there.
It used to shock me when you WEREN'T online! Hope you're well. Are you still up for my (whispers) idea? Moving house at the moment, but once the dust is settled I'll ring you and arrange a meeting.
The meeting will contain big glasses of this black drink I've discovered, and this pastime where you go outside and annoy people by trying to hide the doorway with a cloud of smoke! Great fun it is too!
