Creative and artistic people who like Matilda 'make one gasp and stretch ones eyes', Musicians of every ilk (except rappers who shout about bitches and ho's), buskers on street corners, hot buttered toast, children singing, babies laughing, handsome workmen with their tops off, Aston Martin DB9's, E-Type Jags, men in frocks, pink bubble cars, apple crumble with custard, comedy writer and actor Steve Edge, the etchings and strange interests of Mr Strawberry Watkins, baby oil, my home-made chocolate cake, bosoms big enough to rest your head on, pink and white marshmallows, Rivington Pigeon Tower, Daniel Craig coming out of the sea in those blue trunks. King-sized memory foam mattresses, cup-cakes with hundreds and thousands sprinkled on top, toasted Marmite soldiers, rock gods in tight trousers, Mark Bannerman, nerdy geeks, saucy gentlemen, writing my blogs, reading stories aloud and doing all the voices, raspberries picked straight from the cane, licking the spoon, walking in bare feet on wet sand, sitting on a harbour wall watching the boats, walking the length of a pier and looking back at the land, Paul Barnes, eating chips out of paper on the sea-front, the smell that hits your nose when you open the door of a bakery, Shalimar perfume and body creme, Paul Biddle and his friend Count Muldivo
I love leaving footprints on frosty grass, the earthy smell just after a shower of rain in the summer, delphiniums and foxgloves, the smell of applewood on a fire, holding hands in the street, kissing so passionately your knickers explode, bald men, having my back scratched, scooping the soft centre out of a Tunnocks Tea Cake with my tongue, Miss Hope Springs, beautiful handmade jewellery, moonstones and silver, collecting Tarot Cards, wrapping up presents with bows and ribbons, smiling at complete strangers, talking to old ladies on buses, the smell of a freshly bathed and Johnsons Talcum Powdered baby, singing loudly in shops, my boys, the dawn chorus, bitter dark chocolate and crystallised ginger, gin and tonic, red wine, Glenmorangie single malt, cider, wooden sash windows, the green smell of freshly cut grass.crunching through autumn leaves, throwing pink blossom into the air like confetti, standing on the top of a hill on a warm summer evening and whipping my top off, watching the sun rise and set over the sea, lighthouses, castles, folk tales, fairy tales, myths and legends, old ladies that swear a lot and don't care who hears them, squashy cushions and crushed velvet, silk tassels, vanilla, sandalwood and patchouli, the excitement and anticipation you feel when you walk home with a new book you're dying to read, stroking the perfectly smooth pages of a book with the side of your hand, twanging elastic, writing letters on stiff cream coloured paper with a fountain pen, the ch-ching sound when new myspace mail arrives and many other things that I'll add as I think of them! ..
Music
My tastes are many and varied from Maria Callas to the Rolling Stones, Beatles, Bob Dylan, Joe Cocker, Janis Joplin, The Who, Prog Rock esp Genesis, Led Zep and Deep Purple, The Sex Pistols, The Church with their trippy guitar sound, The Pyschedelic Furs, The Velvet Underground. I also love Motorhead, AC/DC, Aerosmith, The Cult, Oasis, Stone Roses, Blur, The Jam, XTC, The Specials, David Bowie, The Smiths, The Pogues, and lots of other bands beginning with "The". Joan Armatrading, Millie Jackson - she's outrageous! The exquisite KD Lang, Michelle Shocked - I love those campfire tapes, Aretha Franklin, Kate Bush and just to be different I like Folk Music too!! Jethro Tull, Kate Rusby and Seth Lakeman are top of the pile ... the list goes on ... I like anything as long as it's good. When I hear someone singing or playing live I'm often moved to tears of joy.
Film scores are an overlooked genre I love John Williams, John Barry, David Arnold, and I think that pianist/composer Ty Jeffries is brilliant (he's in my favs list), when you've finished here pop round to his page and have a listen! I also adore any camp old nonsense from musicals especially from the big guns Judy Garland, Ethel Merman and Barbra Streisand. I love Richard O'Briens Rocky Horror Show, which makes me laugh and want to break out the PVC gear stuffed in my attic - that's not a euphemism!! I also have a confession I love the sound of bagpipes, they pull at something very deep and primitive within my soul, they stir my heart and the drone makes me feel a bit sexy too...is that wrong?
Movies
I'm a Big fan of British Movies, comedies like the Full Monty, Brassed Off, Pat and Margaret, Four Weddings, Notting Hill, Wish You Were Here and Personal Services....in another life I'd love to be Cynthia Payne. My Favourite film of all is Bruce Robinson's brilliant Withnail and I. Spinal Tap is the dogs, a must for anyone who has been or is still involved in the music Business!!
British Gangster films like The Long Good Friday, Sexy Beast, Lock Stock, Snatch and Layer Cake are superb. Pulp Fiction is fantastic, as is Reservoir Dogs, Tarantino's True Romance is also essential viewing!
I'm keen on costume dramas like Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Becoming Jane, Remains of The Day, and anything Merchant Ivory - it's allowed I'm a girl!
One of my all time fav British Films is "No Surrender" starring Bernard Hill, it's a gritty but funny movie about a disasterous night in a Liverpool nightclub, if you haven't seen it get it, it's brilliant!
I must also mention Nil By Mouth, Kathy Burkes performance is incredible, it will break your heart. Some Like It Hot is brilliant, if you're not in love with Marilyn by the end you're made of stone!
"Snowcake" with Alan Rickman is simply exquisite very moving, poignant and ultimately uplifting. I loved it!
My list wouldn't be complete without the Lord of The Rings Trilogy and the WONDERFUL Harry Potter films that we've enjoyed as a family, along with all of Tim Burtons films.
Although I have a very special spot for Daniel Craig (he's my free pass) my all time favourite actor has to be Gene Wilder! It was 1971, I was 9 years old and when I saw him in Willy Wonka I fell head over heels in love with him! Young Frankenstein is, in my opinion, his best movie.
Television
I really like British Comedy...The Office, Extras, in fact anything with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant is a winner for me.
I'm a huge fan of Rising Damp - 'my father died in that chair', Reggie Perrin 'sorry CJ', Porridge, The Good Life, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise, Spike Milligan, Sykes, Blackadder, Bottom, Gimme Gimme Gimme, Phoenix Nights, Father Ted, Men Behaving Badly, Black Books, Nathan Barley, Game On, QI, Red Dwarf, Dinner Ladies, The Worst Week of My Life, Saxondale, The IT Crowd, Perfect World (which should have been far more succesful than it was) and the BRILLIANT Hyperdrive! I adore AB FAB ... I always wanted to be Patsy, but realised a long time ago that, sadly, I'm Edina!! I love watching the History and Discovery Channels, and David Attenborough is superb.
My favourite TV programme is TOP GEAR I just can't get enough of the show. I've even made my own 'Cool Wall' in the pics section (sad but true!) I love Jeremy because he's funny, honest and soo un-PC, he's a total bloke, Richard because he's a fighty, spunky little chap who probably goes like a ferret and James because he's not only handsome he's a gentleman too, he reminds me so much of Mr Merryweather. I don't drive myself, I'd be a danger to other motorists with my daydreaming and drive by window shopping, so the idea of being driven by a gentleman appeals to me greatly, especially if he's driving an Aston Martin! The Stig is, of course, legend.
Books
I love reading. From an early age books have provided me with a wonderful escape from the world and history books are a particular favourite of mine. I think that everything seems more relevant if you know who you are and where you came from. I also enjoy collecting comedy books and scripts - I have a stash of them in the smallest room and only stop reading when my legs go numb! I'm fond of Alan Bennett and Stephen Fry, they use words so beautifully, it's a treat! Robert Popper, who wrote the Timewaster Letters and Diary (as Robin Cooper) is also a joy. I read the Harry Potter books to my sons and got completely hooked, they are terrific fun! I also recommend "The Peculiar Memories of Thomas Penman" by Withnail and I author Bruce Robinson, based on his teenage years, it's moving, shocking and very funny. I also enjoy reading showbiz diaries and biogs, it's so interesting learning about the person behind the mask. Kenneth Williams Diaries are a scream.
Heroes
I don't really have any heroes to speak of. I really admire funny women so Victoria Wood, Julie Walters, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Jo Brand, Miranda Heart, Christina Martin and Jo Caulfield have to have a mention! I do admire Jarvis Cocker for his stand against Michael Jackson at the Brit Awards, it was juvenile, ill thought out and very, very funny...Jarvis you gestured for the Nation and I will always love you for it! I love people who speak up when they see injustice or make a stand against petty bureaucracy, anyone prepared to 'Stick it to the man' will get my vote. Finally I cannot leave without mentioning Julian Clary for his brilliant (and almost career ending) comment about Fisting Politician Norman Lamont during a live TV broadcast of the 1993 British Comedy Awards, it was so naughty, he brought the house down!
I'm a 47yr old English lady who has been happily married for 21yrs. I've lived a lot and frequently burned the candle at both ends, which has been marvellous! I had many different occupations before being rescued from a life of toil by the lovely Mr M. Since that day I've been kept in a manner more be-fitting a lady of my social standing .... barefoot and pregnant. I'm a merry wife, and mother of 2 gorgeous sons.
In the few short years that I was gainfully employed I worked for a local Radio station helping out in the goodie shop, gophering in the studios, singing jingles and doing voice-overs for commercials. During the 80's my voice could be heard on BBC Radio 1's Steve Wright (in the afternoon) Show, BBC Radio 2 and Radio Luxembourg, as well as at Chiltern Radio the ILR station where I was based.
I also had a stint working in the perfumery section of an airport Duty Free shop. I held the dubious title of 'Number 1 French' when I worked in a Cosmetics Department in a very large store. Yes I was one of those scary dragons in full slap! Oh the stories I could tell you!
Nowadays when I'm not blogging nonsense here at The Gazette I spend my time writing stories, two of which were finalists in the national HE Bates Short Story Competition 2008.
In July 2008 I discovered a hidden ability to draw after an artist friend challenged me to pick up a pencil. It came as something of a revelation after failing my Art O'level (ungraded) 31 years ago. I became hooked on my '20 minute sketches', as I called them, which really took me by surprise.
Mr M bought me a set of paints, brushes and an easel for Christmas and I painted my first picture (a self portrait) on Boxing Day 2008; from that moment I fell in love with the sheer joy of painting. So nowadays, when I'm not writing, I can be found up to my whatsits in gouache! You can find examples of my work from the early sketches right through to my latest paintings in my pics section; please feel free to browse.
Who I'd like to meet: Anyone FABULOUS, creative and funny who doesn't take themselves, and life in general too seriously. If you've ever felt the urge to shout 'bollocks' at an inappropriate time then you're the one for me!
Please feel free to drop by my Gazette any time, you'll always find a warm welcome along with my favourite things and my weekly blog 'Vexations and Vapours' which I'll post every Friday - Hurrah! Older scratchings from the Merryweather pen can be found in the blog archive above. Do you Twitter? I now have a Twitter page so please feel free to follow me!
Madame Merry's Twitter Page
The English language has a vast array of long since forgotten words, that I think are simply wonderful, and through this feature I intend to try to re-introduce some of them back into Common Parlance. These are all real English words and phrases that have been gleaned from a selection of old leather bound Glossaries that are kept in the library here at Merryweather Towers
Today's dip into the, slightly musty, Moroccan leather bound volumes has revealed 'ESSEX-STILE' which contrary to popular belief is not the fashion for high heels and a bright orange fake tan favoured by so many of the ladies of Essex; no an ESSEX-STILE is actually a ditch. As a great part of the county of Essex is low lying and marshy which has lead to it having more drainage ditches than stiles
This week’s choice of disastrous haircuts was spotted during one of my regular trips into town whilst I was on one of my many charitable ventures which is something we should all consider at this time of year. I was taking a selection of, some of my older, tea gowns to the sailors mission and believe you me they were very grateful for them.
I’ve been told that there was a little resistance at first from some of the older jack tars but once they’d had a mug of sherry and a hot mince pie they were game for anything. Game in this case being the right word – they were out the door and down the docks before you could say “rent”. What enterprising gentlemen. I digress.
So I was on my way into town and what sight should fall before my eyes but this over-processed group of musicians with their ridiculously contrived hair and clothes
Get over yourselves gentlemen, have you never heard the phrase “Less is more”? I think they should take a leaf out of Mr James Newell Osterberg’s book; the man is a rock God of the highest order. What do you mean you’ve never heard of him? He’s Iggy Pop darlings, what a man!
Please feel free to contribute any hairdressing 'beauties' you find whilst surfing the net - or if you're feeling really brave from your very own personal archive. I shall award a virtual buttered muffin to my favourite each week.
This week’s Ask Madame Merryweather Column is dedicated solely to a letter from Miss Mewzikat who sent the following snippet from the 1894 poem "The Land of Heart’s Desire" written by none other than Mr WB Yeats. Miss Mewzikat wrote:
Dear Madame Merryweather
"Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,
For I would ride with you upon the wind,
Run on the top of the dishevelled tide,
And dance upon the mountains like a flame."
Best Wishes
Mewzikat
Well I’m sure you’ll all agree that it’s a rather lovely idea. Darlings let my reply serve as a warning to you all:
Dear Miss Mewzikat
Thank you so much for sending Mr Yeats’s pretty ditty. It’s full of so much love and passion that I felt duty bound to organise a "Re-Enactment Soiree" (with nibbles) here in the grounds of Merryweather Towers, yes really!
Now I’m sure that you’ll understand that the finding of "Faeries to take me out of this dull world" was not going to be easy on a cold November evening; in fact I believe they hibernate at this time of year, so I had to improvise.
I called upon the services of Mumsy and her friends at the Stackton Mullockby Women’s Institute and before you could say clickety-click there stood before me a line of orphans wearing bespoke mohair wings and hand knitted tutus. They looked so sweet and so much nicer than the usual trousers and thick duffel coats boys usually wear in the winter; you should have seen the tears of gratitude in their little eyes when I told them that with diligent use they should last for years.
Anyway that was the first part of the poem organised; next on my list was something to "ride upon the wind". Constable Thack-Sparrow offered me the services of his trusty steed Bunty who, he assured me, was used to loud noises after rigorous crowd control training down at the Scout Hut, so that was another box ticked.
Then Mr M, who’d just opened a jar of pickled eggs, made a suggestion about what we could use for wind. I told him not to be facetious; we’d make do with the gentle breeze from the lake and I’d offer the illusion of a mighty wind by wearing organza which tends to billow at the slightest puff.
"Running on top of the dishevelled tide" was always going to be rather tricky, seeing as Merryweather Towers is land-locked. However the little sandy area down by the side of the lake was cleared in preparation and the local W.I. were waiting in a tent by the finishing line at the far end. I’d figured that if I was going to do any running I’d want a medal, a cup of tea and a slice of Mrs Parsons Dundee Cake at the very least.
Now the final part of the challenge the "Dancing upon a mountain like a flame" was the bit I was looking forward to the most. It meant going to the top of 'Bossock’s Bump' (the hill over looking Merryweather Towers) where I’d arranged to dance naked by the light of the moon, the stars and the carefully lit fire.
As this was such a special occasion I thought it might be nice to give the honour of lighting the beacon to the Brownie Pack, well what remains of them after the unfortunate Charge of the Light Brigade incident on my Croquet lawn a few weeks ago.
So there you have it, a meticulously well thought out plan. A marvel in its own simplicity; what could possibly go wrong? Well....
The evening started smoothly enough with the prompt arrival of the woolly winged orphans who were gently lowered out of the trees by one of Mr M’s cunningly devised rope and pulley inventions. Sadly the orphans had not taken well to the luxury of mohair, indeed they were scratching so much that the knots holding them in situ became loose and one by one they crashed to the ground, necessitating the first intervention of the evening by Stackton Mullockby’s St John’s Ambulance Brigade.
I attempted to draw a discreet veil over the melee by wafting my organza tea gown in what I thought was an attempt at an exotic dance. Instead it spooked Bunty the 'fearless' pony who proceeded to drag Constable Thack-Sparrow along the lakeside and straight through the W.I. tea tent. This meant that I was without a steed to bear me down to the lake and more importantly there was no longer the incentive of a hot cup of tea to revive me after a sprint across, my version of "the dishevelled tide". So I’m sure you’ll understand why I decided to forgo the race and move on to the next part of the poem.
I neatly sidestepped the stretcher bearers, carrying Mrs Parsons and the other ladies of the W.I. Catering Committee down to the ever increasing line of ambulances, and was heading towards Bossock’s Bump when I spotted a large object rolling towards me. I picked it up and dusted it off, for a closer look; it was Mrs Parson’s Dundee Cake – Hurrah!
I popped it into by prop bag and continued on my way, fortified by the unmistakeable aroma of whisky soaked fruit and almonds, which frankly dear readers was just too scrumptious to resist; by the time I reached the top of Bossock’s Bump I was already naked and carousing at the top of my voice.
The Brownies had been arranged in a singing circle around the beacon by Brown Owl, Miss Marsh. They were so busy Ging-gang-gooly-ing that they didn’t hear me approaching. When I finally burst out of the trees with a loud "Taa Daa Darlings!" the shock of my sudden appearance proved too much for Miss Marsh who stepped backwards into the blazing fire.
If I’ve learnt anything from the evening’s events it’s the importance of avoiding clothes fashioned from man-made material. Poor Miss Marsh, who has always had a penchant for crimplene, went up like a drunken uncle trying to light a BBQ with petrol. Stoic to the last everyone clapped and cheered as she "danced upon the mountain like a flame". I found it most upsetting; she’d completely stolen my thunder.
I sat on the hillside eating my Dundee cake; watching the ambulances depart below, whilst with a rousing chorus of "Brown Owl’s Burning" (sung in the round) the Brownies toasted marsh-mallows over what was left of Miss Marsh; it’s what she would have wanted.
So there you have it, please let this serve as a salutary lesson to you all, a poem is a poem for a reason and should stay that way. No wonder Mr Yeats turned to drink.
OOoodles of Big Put in Her Place Ones
Madame M
x
Sadly that concludes the Ask Madame Merryweather Column this week. Do you have any questions you'd like answered, matters of etiquette or other problems you'd like me to offer my advice on? If so then kindly address your queries to "Ask Madame Merryweather" here at the Gazette and I will do my utmost to answer you. Please be assured that only messages marked "Ask Madame Merryweather" will be considered for printing, your personal and private messages to me will be kept strictly confidential.
Each week I shall print my favourite correspondence from the "Ask Madame Merryweather" in-tray. In the event that they're bereft of effort or simply too dull to countenance I reserve the right to make them up, as all good editors do.
Welcome to my lovely booze inspired Column which is extra special today as it marks the Winter Solstice. I’ve spent every spare moment over the past few weeks rushing around the shops buying last minute hats and gin, in case of unexpected visitors, I’ve also wrapped the presents for the staff (well got the orphans to do it), sung hearty carols around the tree with the Bishop and lit a candle for dear Mother Abyss whose presence and nunly guidance is still greatly missed.
I imagine that I’m not the only one who, after all that fuss, flops into a chair only to discover a sudden overwhelming desire; one that will only be sated by a delicious slice of Christmas cake only to realise that horror of horrors you forgot the cake! A very serious over-sight I’m sure you’ll agree.
Well I’m afraid that oversight HAS occurred and today of all days; when I'm making ready to receive cake lover Mr Watkins for a festive nibble. What’s even worse is that I’ve sent the staff into Stackton Mullockby to prepare a gastronomic treat for the orphans. I can’t even turn to Mumsy for help as she’s stuck on a Eurostar train in France. So in desperation I’ve ventured 'below stairs', searched Fanny’s pantry and found a cake recipe and all the ingredients needed to make it; it can’t be that difficult to bake a cake can it?
So dear hearts join in with me whilst I make Fanny’s very special (fanfare)...
VODKA AND RED BULL CHRISTMAS CAKE
To make it you will need the following:
INGREDIENTS
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
4 large eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups mixed dried fruit
Lemon juice
Chopped Mixed Nuts
1 can of Red Bull
1 bottle of Vodka
Isn’t this exciting! I’m standing here in the kitchen at Merryweather Towers wearing one of Fanny’s white apron’s and I’ve selected a small hat with holly and berries to appear more festive.... right now what do I do next? Where’s that recipe book? .... Oh yes here we go....
METHOD:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. (VERY IMPORTANT)
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of vodka and mix with a little Red Bull and drink …. Mmm very pleasant I must say
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste.
9. Try another cup – just in case, turn the mixerer off.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in a cup of dried fruit …this cooking lark is a doddle!
11. Pick fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitiy, flavour with a little Bed Rull .... shlovely
15. Next, ssifffft two cups of salt. Or something.... Who giveshz a f***
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor.
18. Check the vodka (shee steps 3 and 4).
19. Now shift the lemon and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS Darlingssssss!
Do you have a favourite gin recipe, cocktail or story that you'd like to share with other readers? Please forward them to me here at the Gazettes 'Gin Research Department'. Please write clearly as, for some reason, I have problems focussing whenever I visit this lively part of the building.
Thank you all so much for spending time with me here at the Merryweather Gazette. If you're not one of my friends yet then please Add Me, go on I won't bite, unless you really want me to!
Please feel free to write to me, here at The Gazette, or pop a comment in my box. Wise and witty correspondence is always appreciated and, indeed, encouraged. Please be warned that any inappropriate suggestions or lewd photographs will be laminated and attached to the lamp-posts, in Stackton Mullockby, for public ridicule.
Kindly address all items to Madame Merryweather and I'll do my utmost to reply to each and everyone of you. Mr M is preparing for the smooth delivery of your letters by oiling the hinges on my flap and the wheels of our delivery boy Walter Weatherall's bicycle to ensure his speedy return journey to the post-office with my replies.
Bon mots and thank you's must go to everyone who's encouraged and supported me in this brave venture, with special gratitude to young Mark from the Fife Home for Lost Boys. He is, as we speak, drawing bunnies and spirals on the walls of his carefully padded room ..... truly sir, I am not worthy.
So dear hearts, if you have a few spare minutes in your work heavy schedules take a break. Rip off your corsets, kick off your sling-backs and have some fun with me. If you're really good I'll break out the tea and biscuits. Hob-Nob anyone?
OOoodles of Big Ones
Madame Merryweather
x
As my page draws to a close I'd like to ask you all to please be upstanding for the National Anthem. Ladies and Gentleman I give you God Save The Queen - the good version - courtesy of Messrs. Jones, Matlock, Vicious, Rotten and Cook - who mean it man.
Dawn, You have a lot of people that are very proud of your painting accomplishments. And you're doing a really wonderful job, each time I look I see so much growth within each of your paintings... You love what you're doing, because it shows in all you're paintings. Merry Christmas
I bet it's just great, I think that is why I love macro photography so much it's all the tiny details up close that your eye would miss. Did you paint this outside or with a photo?
Thank you for your lovely comments on my latest photo's my dear madame Merryweather.
I quite agree with you: I think the trainstation of Groningen is one of it's most beautiful buildings. On the inside as well as the outside.
The house on the other side of the canal has been for sale quite a few years. It's been sold a couple of years ago. It's not a private residence but an office these days.
Thank you for your visit Madame. And have a nice evening.
Hey, whether you have been very Naughty or very Nice, may Santa's jolly HoHoHo ring in your ears and put a smile on your face. Peace and Love to you this Holiday.
