Everything that really shouldn't concern me.
Models and model-making, obviously.
Writing.
Reading - and other Berkshire towns and villages.
Donkeys.
Goblins.
Innuendo - and other small lizards.
The Moon, the stars and space travel (I did some space exploration in my teens and plan to revisit some of the planets I journeyed to before my 60th birthday).
Voyeurism and other forms of spirituality.
Fiddling.
Fumbling.
Flicking.
Poking.
Creeping.
Crawling.
My wife (Mrs Belm) and our three childs.
Moistness.
Ron Pickering.
Music
It irritates me greatly, both my sensibilities and my skin.
Musicians are highly spiritual and to be much admired.
But music is vomit-inducing.
Movies
Some of my ex-neighbour vandalising my car (copies as the originals are with the courts).
I have a collection of "stag" films in my sock drawer - I like all wildlife documentaries, but have a particular interest in antlers.
"We Are the Champions - The Movie" (starring Ron Pickering).
Television
One in the lounge, one in the master bedroom and one in the shed which no longer works properly.
Generally speaking I live in a time-warp so no programmes made before 1983 are shown in our house. The exception is the documentary series "Doctor Who", as I have a close affinity with Time Lords having completed so many model-making commissions for them in the past-times.
Books
I keep my own books with a little help from a retired accountant who shares a passion for miniature traction engines.
I prefer comics to books, such as "The Adventures of a Dog Named Nigel Fellowes" or "The Fantastically Inept Five".
Heroes
No-one really, but the closest is my great uncle Sebastian's chauffeur - a master of his craft.
About me:
I'm pleasant, well-meaning, charming when I have to be, intelligent, fiercely competitive, doggedly determined, wise beyond by means, have opinions worth listening to and an extra toe on my left foot.
I am the "model-maker to the stars" - that was the name given to me by Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen after I completed a scale model of them on stage. I have also completed work for accomplished all-round entertainer Paul Squires and Lord Charles (of Ray Allen and Lord Charles fame).
In addition, I am a model-maker by royal appointment having completed commissions for the aristocracy, including Lord and Lady Lyntal (a memorial piece based on their stable block and favourite horse Oswald) and Crown Prince Dimitri of all the Bulgars (a model of his family's former estate, which was an old Audi 100).
I do commission work for ordinary people too.
Who I'd like to meet: Rod, Jane and Freddy and the surviving members of the Beach Boys (I have an interesting collaboration project in mind for them).
I should also like to meet the inventor of the BendiBus, a genuine wonder of the technological age and enough to shake the beliefs of even this committed God-denier (when you see a BendiBus you have to believe in some form of divine presence).
Thankyou for your words of encouragement. It's good to know that people enjoy the paper! We are working on either a re-print (as they are all gone into the big wide world - or a revised version, or a brand new one!) Will let you know! Regards, Harry at The Eccentric City.
NANNY HAS JUST TOLD ME THERE'LL BE NO EATING OUT TONIGHT, AS IN MY LAST COMMENT I MENTIONED "EATING OUT" IN A WAY THAT APPARENTLY MADE IT SOUND A BIT DIRTY.
SO I'VE GOT TO STAY IN... SO I'M GOING TO SLIDE DOWN THE MAIN STAIRS ON A SILVER TRAY LIKE WHAT SIR RAFE RICHARDSONSON DID IN "GREYSTOKE"... TREMENDOUS FUN.
P.S. I DUNNIT... AND THAT SIMPERING OIK MOSTYN IS CURRENTLY INDISPOSIBLE AFTER ARGUING WITH ME. I SHALL NOW BE IN CHARGE UNTIL MIDNIGHT, WHEN THE MEDICATION WEARS OFF>
This does sound quite suspicous indeed. I myself am going to be heading to India to see if perhaps she has taken up with Panjeep and his camels, but in the meantime, you've given me a good lead to follow. unfortunately, upon calling the listed number, i was instructed to deposit an additional 5 pounds sterling into the box, which is a problem, as I don't have a payphone, nor the five pounds, and with the dollar being as weak as it is, i'd rather save for my bus ticket to Mumbai from Udaipur. If possible, I suggest baiting a trap with some Boones Strawberry wine and a misshapen gourd, or at least a canteloupe painted to resemble one. If the traps are checked regularly and are empty, well..Panjeep is going to get a foot planted squarely in his behind once I get to Mumbai.
Not that I care or anything either, but, you know..family is as family does. If you could put out the word, it would be much appreciated.
I'm in possession of a rather troubling note from my cousin Bettina, stating that after taking her all goat revue of "Xanadu" on the road, she may be giving up on cheese, squash, and cloven hoofed performance art and trying her hand at model making instead. If you know anything about this, please let me know.And if you happen to see someone resembling her (overalls, galoshes with pink pirate ducks, and a truly awful haircut, with a foul tempered flatulent goat in tow) the best thing to do is not make direct eye contact and simply back away slowly. And please, don't start singing any Celine Dion
Mr Belm. Thank you for taking an interest in my hair styling quest.
I appreciate that a model maker like yourself must have a keen eye for detail and styling.
I worry whether that is too many colours for one head of hair to carry off. Even though my hair is quite enormous after a fresh wash I'm not sure. Would you suggest vertical stripes, horizontal stripes or other? I'm not convinced.
Your blog now has me fascinated with model making. I know you are currently interviewing apprentices, and I'm not ready to commit to such a task, but in the future should you ever require help, I'd love to do what we culinary folk call a "stage", which means I work for free and you are allowed to treat me horribly. having worked with many a French male chef, I'm sure I would be well equipped to take on Mr Sidebottom if it was ever needed. I can certainly fling a saute pan with good aim.
i have always wanted to be called Derek and i feel that knowing you goes some way to repairing the hurt...i look forward to the Beach Boys/Rod jane and Freddy collaboration...a defifnite winner..
I again, Mr Belm. Friday's meeting with my great-aunt (whose collection of 1930s photography of water is perhaps unparalleled) has provided me with fortuitous and not unpleasing news regarding my heritage... I am a de facto 5/8 Celt. (This is an approximation, of couse, as many factors are in play, but I have worked out this figure to be the minimum and am working on a negative slant - which is sometimes painful as you may be aware.) You may or may not wish to amend your reference to I on your page... I just thought I'd keep your information up-to-date, but you may, of course, do your pleasure.
Mr Belm, That is merely a picture of Bumpkus for which I ran out of ink to fill in his spots. And accidentally gave him udders. I try not to limit the goats personal expression, and for a while it seemed he might want to be a girl. He has since changed his mind, though.
But my hair, however, is looking even less like Ms Clea Duvall and causing me great distress.
Thank you for your observations. I noticed that you have referred to me as a "renaissance man". I may very well use that observation at soirees (if you'll permit me to use your name, of course). Thanks again.
Mr. Belm, I was just helping my dear mum collect cancer research donations from down her street, and noted that the only people who answered the door yet gave nothing at all were the three in the street that had BMW's on their respective drives. Could this observation form the basis of some sort of sociology study? I'm asking you because you appear to speak with such authority on numerous subjects.
Again, I thank you for the generous comments, Mr. Belm. Have been reading your "everybody needs good neighbours" blog and am more convinced than ever than a simple collection of your blogs (with a generous foreword attributed to someone such as Sidebottom Minor)could go on sale (bound in leatherings*, of course) from all good bookshops.
