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 Delta
Buick Date of
birth: Let’s just say I remember rotary phones
Age: Ageless honey, I’m a
classic
Astrological Sign: Taurus (another auto reference)
Birthplace:
The back seat of my father’s Roadmaster
Place of residence: Atlanta Georgia
Daytime Job: Interior decorator
First Job: Teaching the other pagent
members how to make their boobs look bigger
Marital Status: Widowed
Preferred Sport: Baton Twirling Hobbies: Pagents, and raising pigs
Preferred reading: Jackie Collins
Preferred singer, male: Bert Parks…..I
always wanted him to sing to me. Preferred singer, female: Julia Sugerbaker, she
missed her calling
Preferred songs: Whistling Dixie, I do it whie I pee so
no one can hear me.
Preferred films: Gone With The Wind. I have Scarlett’s
dress in storage.
Preferred actors: Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard
Preferred actresses: Well, Daisy Duke of course, you know I wore those short
shorts first.
Prefered TV Shows: The Young and the Restless
Preferred
Meal: Fried Chicken and Potato Salad
Preferred drinks: Anything with a
little umbrella
Prefered Pet: My pig Noel
Qualities: My natual beauty,
good skin, and big, no make that huge personalities.
Faults: I tend to be
too soft spoken and demure.
What you adore: Riding a bucking bronco around
the house….Oh and I like horses too.
What you hate: Shoe sales, those women
are ruthless, they should have a special line where folks like me can pay full
price and don’t have to grovel with the peasants.
What do you fear: Running
out of Aquanet before a show.
Your big dream: I want to have baby some day,
as long as it doesn’t drool on my couture or take up too much of my free time.
Your future projects: I am opening a home for wayward pet pigs, so far only
Sally Struthers has signed up.
Mona
Lott
Date of
birth: august 7 Age: 37 (on aol)
Astrological Sign: Leo, of course, outgoing
and courageous.
Birthplace: Baltimore, the birthplace of some of the most
famous drag queens.
Place of residence: ‘nnapolis
Daytime Job:
McCormicks, picking fly shit out of pepper.
First Job: Waitress midnight
shift at the Beloc Diner.
Marital Status: taken, but if he keeps it up……..
Preferred Sport: wig toss and drag racing (it’s hell in those heels).
Hobbies: lip-syncing
Preferred reading: Soap digest
Preferred
singer, male: Ethel Merman
Preferred singer, female: Celine (I’ve done so
many of her songs), but Tina will always hold a spot in my heart.
Preferred
songs: It’s a Sunshine Day; and My Heart will go on.
Preferred films:
Titanic, loves me a handprint on the carriage glass.
Preferred actors:
Brendon Fraser (:-P)
Preferred actresses: Babs…(I’ve done so many of her
songs).
Prefered TV Shows: Average Joe, when the cuties show up. Preferred
Meal: prozac
Preferred drinks: a martini in a BIGGGGGG glass (it makes your
hand look smaller and your date prettier).
Prefered Pet: Boa Qualities: (See
the tapes)
Faults: none of course
What you adore: a penthouse view
What you hate: you size 12 bitches
What do you fear: What do you mean
the make-up guy is not here?
Your big dream: A drag show with no drama.
Your future projects: World Peace
Tisha
Payper
Date of
birth: Sometime BC (that means before Crystal & Char-Donné)
Age: Older
than dirt
Astrological Sign: Sagittarius - half man - half horse (get it).
Birthplace: In a covered wagon near Carson City, Nevada.
Place of
residence: Telluride. Co - next door to Oprah.
Daytime Job: You've got to be
kidding!
First Job: Vaudville chorus girl.
Marital Status: Widowed 3
times.
Preferred Sport: Fishing - hooking wealthy mature men!
Hobbies:
Giving voice lessons to the less fortunate.
Preferred reading: The Wall
Street Journal - Ive got to keep track of my monies somehow.
Preferred
singer, male: K. D. Lang
Preferred singer, female: Barry Manilow
Preferred songs: Happy Birthday, when it's for any of those other bitches.
Preferred films: Birth of a Nation - My first walk on part!!
Preferred
actors: Anyone from The "L" Word.
Preferred actresses: Anyone from Queer as
Folk.
Preferred TV Shows: American Idol I love to watch my hobby. (above)
pay off! And enjoy seeing the less fortunate make it big because of me.
Preferred Meal: Canned squirt cheese and a Ritz.
Preferred drinks:
Millers Lite
Preferred Pet: Mink - lots of them so that it can be full
length.
Qualities: Wealthy, classy, rich, humorous, affluent, generous(sort
of),opulent, lovable and most of all not poor and don't forget modest!
Faults: My best friend Tina, she has no class.
What you adore: Applause
What you hate: Bad drivers - That's why I hire only the best. Hoke was my
favorite.
What do you fear: Aging without having a plastic surgeon handy!
Your big dream: Waking up with wet sheets (especially at my age).
Your
future projects: Birth of a Nation II
Tina
Name: Tina
(Yes, just Tina) Also known professionally as Mortina.
Date of birth: It was
a Wednesday.
Age: EXCUSE ME? No you didn’t!
Astrological Sign: Well, I
was born during a solar eclipse. Someones always trying to bask in my sunshine.
But Ill say Libra size 44 DD.
Birthplace: Chicago, Illinois – The Windy City
Place of residence: Crownsville – I had to find a new place after the closed
the hospital.
Daytime Job: Professional whistler – I trained in the Windy
City.
First Job: Sour candy taster. That’s how I learned to pucker and
whistle.
Marital Status: Committed Preferred Sport: Roping filleys – either
kind.
Hobbies: Tying ropes and bull riding (or is it B.S.?)
Preferred
reading: Any good murder mystery.
Preferred singer, male: Jon Bon Jovi –
makes me wish I was gay.
Preferred singer, female: K.D. Lang – makes me wish
I was a lesbian.
Preferred songs: Neil Diamond’s "You’re So Sweet,
Horseflies Keep Hanging ‘Round Your Face", a true love song.
Preferred
films: Shrek II – my kind of guy.
Preferred actors: Dustin Hoffman, from
Tootsie To Rain Man to Meet the Fowkers, and actor of all genders.
Preferred
actresses: Barbara Stressand, from Yentil to Funny Girl to Meet the Fowkers, and
actress of all genders.
Prefered TV Shows: Desperate Housewives – I could
tame those filleys.
Preferred Meal: Anything but green lima beans
Preferred drinks: Irish Whiskey on the rocks.
Prefered Pet: Wolves,
they’re so organized.
Qualities: Loyal, loving, true, affectionate (my dog
and I are a lot alike).
Faults: None worth mentioning. What you adore:
Sunshine and fresh air (it can get kind of "close" with the livestock).
What
you hate: People who think they know everything, unlike me.
What do you
fear: Losing the ability to laugh at myself.
Your big dream: Owning my own
ranch with lots of land for filleys and any other creature that needs a home.
Your future projects: Checking out Australia and New Zealand. I hear there’s
a lot to tame over there.
Sofonda
Peters
Date of
birth: February 29th
Age: 10 ½ …..(you do the math)
Astrological Sign:
Pisces…….does anyone smell fish?
Birthplace: Bird-In-Hand, PA
Daytime Job:
I work at Peterbilt
First Job: I’m still there
Marital Status: divorced
from Dick Peters
Preferred Sport: peter pulling
Hobbies: see “preferred
sport”
Preferred reading: Peter Cottontail
Preferred singer, male: Peter
Gabriel
Preferred singer, female: Bernadette Peters
Preferred songs:
anything by Peter Frampton
Preferred films: Peter Pan
Preferred actors:
Don Johnson
Preferred actresses: Courtney Cox
Preferred TV Shows: Peter
Gunn
Preferred Meal: beans and weenies
Preferred drinks: alcohol…….that
about covers it
Preferred Pet: no cats – only room for one pussy in my
house
Qualities: as pure as the driven slush
Faults: as pure as the driven
slush
What you adore: peters……I’m so-fond-a them
What you hate: I’m far
too sweet to hate anything
What do you fear: a shortage of peters
Your big
dream: does size really matter?
Your future projects: my debut
darlings……..April 13th & 14th
Marci
After first bursting onto the drag scene in the late 20th century, it seemed
only natural that I was destined for fame and fortune. Unlike many others in the
back stabbing, hair pulling world of show business, I've been able to have a
long and fruitful career. If it weren't for the undying love of you, my fans,
and my new shear, raw talent, my career would have been in the toilet long ago.
That is why after two centuries of stardom, that I'm still able to command top
dollar for my appearances.
Like many of the girls in my
profession, I used to have a bulky, ear-catching name: MARCI FITZNICENTIGHT, but
as my star rose and signing autographs became tiresome, it was shortened simply
to Marci. Just as so many pop diva icons in our culture have done, like my good
friend Britney. After hitting the pinnacle of my career in the late 90s, and
acquired a mantle full of trophies, that's when this craziness paid off. The
merchandising and endorsement deals poured in making me wealthier beyond belief.
After sparking numerous fashion trends and countless dance moves seen in all the
top clubs, I decided it was time for a break. Like many hard-working showgirls
doing 627 shows a year in one city, I found myself hospitalized with
exhaustion.
After a much-needed break, I wrote a book
currently resting at 10967 on the New York Times Bestseller list. I'm about to
embark on a 47-minute, 6-neighborhood book tour to promote the thing. My
publisher says sales are lagging for some reason. In my latest adventure, I'm in
negotiations with Harpo. Yes, Oprah has her eye on me for a talk/variety show.
This looks very promising as a 3 AM timeslot has recently become available in
her home town of Wasteland, MS. Finally I will be heading out on my annual
spring lecture/recruitment/talent scout circuit. I'll be hitting all the best
drag queen farming spots. It's academic clubs, after-school thesbian troops, and
of course all the local Cub Scout Den meetings. So if you think you or yours has
what it takes to be me......forget it!
But not to worry,
dahlings, I'll be back just in time for the big April show. Hope to see y'all
then.
Marci.
Chrystal
Chandra-Lear
Name:
Chrystal Chandra-Lear. The name applies on so many levels.
Date of birth:
All I can say is that I am the youngest talent in the show. Sorry girls. Mean
it, really!!
Age: Ageless
Astrological Sign: Gemini, of course...the
twins. Two faces are better than one, especially in this business.
Birthplace: Waterford, Ireland
Place of residence: Crystal City, VA
Daytime Job: I cannot be bothered with a day job. I do my best work at
night.
First Job: My first paying job was at Annapolis Lighting. I didn't do
much though. I just hung around looking pretty.
Marital Status: Married to
the wonderful Marci. She taught me everything I know. Well, at least I think so.
Preferred Sport: Darlings, I am too fragile for sports.
Hobbies: Glass
blowing is a passion of mine. Well, only if he buys me dinner first.
Preferred reading: The Glass Menagerie, by the late, great Tennessee
Williams.
Preferred singer, male: I must admit, I am a Fan-ilow.
Preferred singer, female: Crystal Gayle. She always makes my brown eyes
blue.
Preferred songs: You Light Up My Life. A personal anthem I sing to
myself from time to time. It makes me shine when I am feeling dull.
Preferred films: It is close, but my favorite film is The Shining, with
Glitter coming in as a close second.
Preferred actors: John Tra"volt"a
Preferred actresses: That bitch that played Krystal Carrington on Dynasty. I
think she dated Yanni.
Prefered TV Shows: I don't watch much television, but
as a child I really enjoyed The Electric Company. HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!
Preferred Meal: I don't really eat much. I have to maintain my girlish
figure. I usually eat something "light."
Preferred drinks: Nothing but the
best for me - Cristal French Champagne.
Prefered Pet: My pet monkey Electra.
She just hangs on me for hours at a time.
Qualities: My sparkling
personality.
Faults: I would say my biggest fault would be my "short fuse."
What you adore: My dear girlfriends. Did that sound convincing enough? What
you hate: Tiffany Lamp. That bitch is so tacky looking. She looks like a desk
lamp on crack.
What do you fear: Power outages.
Your big dream: Oh, one
day I hope to hang from the Rotunda at our nation's capital singing God Bless
America.
Your Future Projects: Well, I think I will have to keep you in the
dark on that one. You will see me soon though. Until then...
Bawlmer
Suzie
Date of
birth: Same time as Poly and Ester.
Age: A real lady never tells, but
somewhere between forty and death.
Astrological Sign: My kid can beat up
your honoroll student, well that’s the sign on the back of the Astro Van that
drives us to bingo.
Birthplace: Bawlmer Hon! Yous know that.
Place of
residence: I don’t know what residence means, but I was reared in Patterson
Park…a couple a times.
Daytime Job: Head Cashier at the Woolworth’s.
First Job: Cleaning dog poop outta the alley.
Marital Status: Once,
briefly, it was tradgerdous and he made off with my last bottle of parfume.
Preferred Sport: Bowlin, and I luv dem O’S.
Hobbies: Bingo, and I can
make a purty good flair planter outta car tar ann a hub cap.
Preferred
reading: The Enquirer of course, all the news fit to print.
Preferred
singer, male: Tom Jones and his “little” friend (the other women will know what
I mean)(thank God for tight pants).
Preferred singer, female: I went downey
oshun last week and we went up to the outlets in Rehoboth for shopping and saw
Judy Garland. She is wonderful…and I thought she was dead?
Preferred songs:
I’m Too Sexy.
Preferred films: I know I hate the one on my teeth in the
morning.
Preferred actors: André Braugher, I love him on Homocide.
Preferred actresses: Pamela Anderson, we have the same bra size.
Prefered TV Shows: I never miss Judge Judy, she is so insightful.
Preferred Meal: Bowlin alley pizza!
Preferred drinks: Well Natty Boh, of
course!
Prefered Pet: My best friend, a rare bird, named Peaty, he’s a
Chicknpoker.
Qualities: My style and fashion sense.
Faults: None that I
can think of… um… except maybe…no I’m close to perfect.
What you adore:
Eating steamed crabs on a hot summer evening looking out over the wooder at the
beautyful orange sunsets over Sparrows Point…add some Natty Bohs and yous got
perfection.
What you hate: Rats, they’re foul little evil things that hide
in the shadows then jump out and bite you in the ass.
What do you fear:
Underwire bras in a thunder storm.
Your big dream: If I could just get my
hair a little higher.
Your future projects: Well I have already invented my
own signature parfume, Suzy Scent, I think I will work on a new candy bar, for
us big girls.
Carol
Lynah
Date of
birth: I didn't date for many years after I was born. Do I look like a
slut?
Age: old enough to know better; young enough to remember
how.
Astrological Sign: Green for Go!
Birthplace: the jewel of the south,
charleston SC
Place of residence: _Queen_ Anne's County. No,
really!!
First Job: Bitch
Current Daytime Job: Mean Bitch
Night Job:
Evil Bitch.
Marital Status: Happy!!
Preferred Sport: Hurling, I meant
curling.
Hobbies: Spending my baby daddy's money.
Preferred reading:
Southern Living
Preferred singer, male: Gay Aiken
Preferred singer,
female: Gay Aiken
Preferred songs: anything with an irregular beat. It's my
bad hip, you know.
Preferred films: anything without Tom Cruise.
Preferred
actors: Jeff Stryker!
Preferred actresses: Jeff Stryker!
Prefered TV
Shows: MAD TV, Will and Grace, Queer as Folk (what the hell does that mean
anyway?)
Preferred Meal: Vodka.
Preferred drinks: Vodka.
Prefered Pet:
Vodka.
Qualities: Thin blood.
Faults: See above.
What you adore: See
above.
What you hate: Fruit in my martini.
What do you fear: Fruit in my
martinini.
Your future projects: I wish I could remember (see above!)
Your
big dream: A guest appearance on Martha Stewart.
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