I haven't been able to successfully sleep through an entire night or day for the past week or so. And while I've always had some sort of insomnia (mostly what I like to call "Night Owl Insomnia" where I rarely can get to sleep before the sun starts to rise)... I've never experienced something this maddeningly uncomfortable.
Sleep is by far one of my favorite things to do. Although I tend to do it during hours when most people are being productive members of society, at least I've been able to do it. But no, not now. Not lately. Instead I toss and turn, getting an hour or two of shut eye in between the toss and the turn, and then I find myself sitting here at 4:10 in the AM writing this all out after popping an Ambien my friend gave me. I'm hoping that describing it all while I wait for the pill to kick will not only tire myself, but also be a way to document it all for the doctor (should he need it).
So... on to documenting and defining this catastrophe.
What I'm experiencing is not just the typical "gears won't stop turning in the brain" scenario that I'm all too familiar with, it's also a physical discomfort. It feels like a nerve has been pinched in my spine, and in return all the other nerves in my body are feeling jumpy and agitated. It may or may not be medically possible, but that's how it feels to me. It's like my body is antsy for a 5-mile jog, but too tired and out of wind to even venture around the corner for a walk. When the toss, turn and shake sets in (I've started twitching and shaking in bed as well)... I try to get up and do push-ups, stretches, or even run in place. But there isn't enough physical energy left in my body to even pull one of those off successfully. So I push myself to do it anyway, often getting faintish and lightheaded, only to lie down and have the feeling come right back around in 10 minutes. Or less? All I know is that it's always right after I start to drift off into sleep. I do this a few times and finally get my visit to dreamland, only to be yanked from my pillowy, cotton candy car out into the reality of restlessness. It just feels like jolts of energy are being pulsed through the nerves in my body, and there's nowhere for this energy to go.
So far the only cure I've found is by reaching a level of intoxication that knocks me out early on. But the aftermath of a night's few drinks puts me off the grid and out of commission entirely for the next day. So... a real cure, it is not. It's more of the "over-the-counter cure at the Drugstore" variety (and we all hate those, because those little side-effects that tag along only make you feel more miserable than you did in the first place). I've also tried cutting back on my nicotine intake, as times before without nicotine have often led me into a deep boredom and slumber without any energy to spare. But that didn't help either. I'm now trying to dissect my brain internally to see if there's some riff-raff going on in there that is causing this commotion, but seeing as how this feels more physical than mental... I'm not sure it's doing me any good. I do recognize that I've recently gone through a great deal of stress and anxiety with my prior hellish living arrangements and all, and that the chip on my shoulder isn't helping me entirely move on from it, but it's not thoughts of past that are keeping me awake. Nor is it thoughts of present or future. I'm actually quite happy with the situation I'm in now. So where on earth is this coming from? For the love of all things holy, where has my beloved sleep gone?!
I hope to find out soon, because all this physical distress is actually now driving me mental.