Current mood:
depressed
On Friday I attempted to take my own life, and I didn't do a very good job of it, hence why I can type this now.
All I've managed to do was lose two very good friends of mine, and I hate it.
I've learnt a few things from this, one of them is don't try and overdose. Another is when trying to take your own life don't put a bulletin up saying goodbye. Possibly the most important thing I learnt, is that my friends really do care, they're just shit at showing it usually.
Now why did I try to kill myself, that's the question I keep getting asked. Well there were many reasons why. I was on what seemed like a never ending spiral downwards. I had (and still do) a lot of finacial problems, I'm basically drowning in debt and wotever i throw at various debters is never enough to pull me clear. My health has been what can only be described as terrible of late, with the ongoing heart problems, and this pluericy which is only just shifting after 3 months, and various over problems, I felt as though my body was giving up on me. I also found that whenever I tried to talk to my friends about stuff they were always to busy, maybe I should have been more clear that I needed to talk, but I have to say I was trying to find someone to talk to for over a month. Gets frustrating after a while. Oh the amount of people who have said, yeah I thought you sounded a bit down, but I didn't realise how serious it was. It's also fairly true to say that over the last few years I've noticed that no-one ever calls to say hello, or pops round. I guess people think that because I'm more than likely gonna be out and about at some point, that they'll see me then, have that little bit of passing conv and that's enough. I don't know why, but I need more than that. I need assurance, I need to feel wanted. I guess that sounds pretty emo. Fuck it.
bored
Stu,
I know we havent' spoken in a few years, but after getting phone calls and texts from people in Friday asking me to get contact details for you/address etc or contact details of someone close by, I did, it felt weird hearing things from people that seem to be no more that blasts from the past as such, people I've tried to keep in touch with and they've never necessarily replied.
Here's my advice, take it as you will, you know in the past I've reached rock bottom in everything and didn't think there was anything left I could do to solve things. But there always is, the only person who can truely take control of your life is you, I learnt this and you can. If certain things are bringing you down then find something else in your life to bring yourself up again... be it train for a career you'd really love to do, or start a new hobby. I know it sounds pretty basic, and it can be hard... friends come and go, god I've been through 5 different groups of close friends in 1/2 the number of years, some of the old mates I still see/speak too, some of the people I thought were my best mates have drifted away.
Sit down and evaluate all the bad things and how you can make them good in the shortest amount of time, and what other good things you can do to balance your life out. It has worked for me on a lot of levels, you know the mess I was in a couple of years ago, in £15,000 worth of debt, pretty much been told I was gonna be kicked out of uni, lost contact with both my parents-or ashamed the one I was in contact with, screwed everything with my friends up and was a mess from drinking too much etc and had no job. Now--yes, I'm chronically ill and under a lot of pressure with medical tests and stuff, but I've found myself some good friends who try to make the effort...only a a handful that really do, but that's enough, started to map out my career in teaching and film and starting to plan how I can work out my financees, have regularly contact with both of my parents. It's weird to look back and think I am the same person that I was... I didn't write this up here to gloat, purely to show you that it can be done....it may be hard...but you can do, and you do have some great close friends that really care about you--if you need support/care call upon them. There is help for everything you need to solve...be it from within, from friends or from other sources.
It sounds like you need to take some time out and work out what is best for you, firstly for your health, your own piece of mind, you enjoyment in life and then financially... and stick to you plan. Really, please listen to me, it really does work. And your health really does come first, I don't go out clubbing or anything long term anymore, eat very healthily, do what exercise I am able to do to build my body up, don't drink or anything...and if your health needs you to do these things..then do, look after you body and it's amazing how much easier the other things become.
Ok so maybe I don't know you that well, but when you posted that letter on myspace it made me cry, alot. Your a great guy and your going through a tough time. I know how it feels, it fucking sucks, I didn't have any friends till I was 16 years old and even now I don't have anyone to talk to when everything starts to really suck. So if you need anyone I'm here ok. Even if it's just for a rant.
Louise
xxx
dude, this sucks! I know we've never really been great friends but i've always held you in really high regard, you're a great Dj and a top guy, financial troubles suck ass, trust me; I know, but there's always another way. I can't comment on your mates but you always seemed a little closed off..perhapes what you said in your comment was right, maybe both sides need to speak up a bit more. Sometimes you have to really ask for help, sometimes from the people you don't immediately think of, we've all become so insular it's almost hard just to ask but more often that not i;ve found it worked.
I hope you're feeling a bit better now and that you and your mates sort it all out. We're playing up that way soon so maybe see ya there, if not just take care of yourself man, you've got more to offer than an untimely death.
Laters, Scott and the rest of Duty Paid
hmmm.....
I have gone through half a pack of fags and a fair bit of gin and a really crap american highschool romantic comedy (not very inspiring) trying to work out what to write in here.
I'm crap at saying the right thing.
BUT
I'm great a getting blind drunk and pretending everythings fine so if and when you get pissed off with all the people who never bothered asking before (ie.me) asking how you are and want to pretend nothing happend or you just fancy a few drinks then give me a call.
see you soon
jak
Xxx
my good man just one thing if u ever need to talk just email me and hell be there once i know u need a chat a drinking buddey or just someone to make fun of
and i mean it ok