Erik Hamlett

About me:

I wear boxer briefs on most days. I've found that they provide an appropriate amount of coverage without sacrificing the kind of support that a grown man needs. I'm always fully dressed when I eat alone, though, because what if I start to choke and I have to run outside in my underwear? Man, that would be embarrassing.... If you want to get on my good side, just buy me one of those rotisserie chickens at Safeway. Like my mom always said, "Never turn down a gift of meat." You don't have to get me a rack of lamb or anything, but hey, it's your dollar.... If I turned gay, I think my perfect man would be a chiropractor. A chiropractor named Tad. I figure if Tad is going to be back there he might as well be doing something useful, like checking me for scoliosis.... They say that lemmings will follow other lemmings over a cliff to their deaths in the ocean below. Using those strict criteria, I can honestly say I am not a lemming.... I would be a mediocre catch for a mature (a.k.a. desperate)young lady. I don't have enough money to provide the sugar, but I am old enough to be a daddy.... Certain fetishists get an erotic thrill when someone urinates on them. Would it be considered bad form to eat asparagus before obliging them?... My ex-girlfriend used to try and get me to play board games. I can't recall the name of the game she loved so much, but I remember thinking, "If it's so trivial then why pursue it?".... Farting in a dance club is like pissing in a pool. No one will ever know!.... The only food that has all the nutrients a body needs is another body. That is why I think cannibalism will experience an upsurge in popularity. You can also expect barley grass to lose some of its appeal, because the new "superfood" will become dead professional athletes.... I think Jesus Christ will return in 2012 when he gets the most write-in votes, narrowly beating out Mickey Mouse. I'm not sure he will make a good president though. "Loaves and fishes for everyone," he will probably say. Screw the loaves and fishes, Jesus! I want a Cinnabon!