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  • Volume 2.1

    Story One

    Michael

    Our grim tale starts like many grim tales, with a young woman home alone on the phone with her best friend.  

    "Jamie, you wouldn't believe it, I think Shawn has something big planned tonight."  

    "I know!  He's been posting all these cute, sweet, little bulletins on myspace and texting me a buncha super sweet things like "I love you!!!!" and he used more than three exclamation points which means it's for real.  I think he's going to ask me to marry him." 

    "I am not a little slut like you, ok Jamie?  And it's not called the hanky panky it's called making love and after he proposes it's like doing it with my husband, right, so I'm totally in the clear."

    "It's cool.  I'm gonna go change my clothes and check myspace before Shawn gets here, bye!"

    *beep*

    "Oh my god!  I'm totally getting sexed up tonight!"

    Our naïve heroine may not have quite the level of female intuition as she thinks she does.  This is indeed partially due to the fact that she's not quite as much of a woman as she thinks she is.  We join Lauren Mehira Fernandez at 6:37 PM eastern standard time, roughly sixteen years, ten months, two weeks, one day, and two hours since she was born.  I say "roughly" because her exact time of birth is not known.  Her mother gave birth to baby Lauren in the back of a taxi on the way to the hospital somewhere between $4.25 and $6:50 on the meter.  The fare didn't end up mattering anyway as the taxi driver, Saul, gave Lauren's parents the ride for free; a more fortuitous thing for the parents than Saul could have imagined as they had both forgotten any kind of money in their rush out of the house.  

    Saul was just happy that neither of the two had realized he had gone the wrong way to get to the hospital.  He escaped the situation short only a few dollars fare and the ten bucks he'd have to pay to get the back of his cab cleaned instead of getting sued for endangering the child and mother by driving them to no where near the hospital.  The parents were so thankful that they allowed Saul to name their daughter while they rode to the hospital.  Saul, not having any children of his own was so grateful to be able to honor his dead mother and pass her name, Mehira, onto a new baby.  Lauren's parents didn't like the name but felt obligated to still give it to their daughter so they made it her middle name.  Mehira means "quick" which makes sense for Lauren seeing as she was born not only two weeks early, but only an hour after her mother's water broke.  But I digress.  We must return to the quick one in her bedroom far from anyone named Saul.  

    "Perfume on my neck?  Check.  On my perky breasts?  Of course.  And one more spray down a little bit low-wah-her, hehehe-"  

    "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!  Laurie, what do you think you're going to be doing later tonight?"  

    "Don't just barge in here you slut!  I don't just jump into your room whenever I want."  

    "A.  I didn't barge in, YOU were spraying your nether regions with the door wiiiide open.  B.  Don't call me a slut you little skank.  C.  You just perfumed a thong you stole from my room showing that you DO sneak into my room, and that either you have a raging yeast infection or think you're getting lucky tonight - both of which make me say: ewww, ewww, and that should NOT be happening in my underwear!"  

    "Awww come on, mom threw away my cute underwear and I think Shawn is proposing tonight so I want to be ready."  

    "They don't even fit you!  I can see the knots you tied in the sides from here.  If those aren't down the laundry chute in two minutes I'm telling dad about your little plan tonight to jump your boyfriend."  

    "You wouldn't!"  

    "OH POPSICLE!?"

    "Yes pumpkin?"

     "I'll change!  I'll change!  Close the door!"

     "JUST WONDERING WHAT'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT."

    "Oh, I think your mother's preparing a lentil loaf if I can trust my old schnozzle that that's her sweet onion sauce I detect wafting through the air."

    "THANKS DADDERS!"  

    "Any time sweetness."

    Lauren changed underwear, applied perfume to her new pair, and posted a curt bulletin about how much of a supreme skank her sister is before exiting her room and throwing the stolen underwear down the laundry chute across the hallway with five seconds to spare according to her sister.  Lauren's sister hadn't really been keeping track but liked to pretend she knew more than she really did just to keep Lauren on her toes.  

    Let's skip past the sibling rivalry, the accuracy of their father's schnozzle in regards to the dinner Lauren would not be sharing with her family, and get to the part where young Shawn is picking up Miss Lauren.  

    "Hey sweetie, wow Laurie you look great!"

    "Thanks.  You don't.  I thought you said we were going out somewhere nice for dinner."

    "We are, I mean Frank's Place is pretty nice, and they have a special on their steaks tonight and I know how much you like steak so I thought we could go there." 

     "Oh Frank's Place, yeah, nice, well let me slip into something a bit less prom then."  

     "Shawn, is that you?"

     "Yeah Mr. Fernandez." 

     "Come on in here, I'd like to have a word with you."

     "I'm sorry Mr. Fernandez, I didn't mean to get Laurie's hopes up so high, I thought Franks place was a nice restaurant, I didn't think she expected Olive Garden or something, now I ruined our-"

     "Calm down Shawn, Frank's is a wonderful place, I've taken the missus there many a night.  You know some nights they have a special on the steaks and-"

     "Oh, I know!  Tonight's one of those nights!"

     "Good boy!  No use in wasting money if you don't have to, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.  You see, my little Lauren is ... a bit touchy sometimes and I know that.  I just want you to know that I like you and I think you're a good influence on her.  You're down to earth and I like that about you."

     "Oh, uh, thanks Mr. Fernandez.  I like you too."

     "And that I trust you as a fellow man not to make any choices that could endanger the health, safety, or purity of my daughter."

    The old man was a sly one.

     "Oh, right.  Of course I wouldn't.  We have a wholesome night of, of mini golf planned for the two of us to enjoy.  With our friends.  They'll be there too so we won't be alone.  So that's a good thing.  And she'll be home by 11 like usual."  

    Shawn smiled, wondering if he had said too much or maybe too little.  He had no intention of taking Lauren mini golfing, but he had just told Lauren's father such things so maybe he'd have to change their plans.  Lauren would never go for that and he knew it.  What was a boy to do?

     "Come on Shawn, let's go!"

     "Oh, ok!  Bye Mr. Fernandez, thanks for the talk, and you can trust me, bye!  Enjoy the lentil loaf, the onion sauce smells delicious!"  He barely finished as Lauren dragged him through the front door.  

    "MINI GOLF?!  You're taking me mini golfing on our anniversary?!  I can't believe you Shawn!" 

     "No, we're not going mini golfing, just I had to tell your father something and making out in the back of the grocery store parking lot was not about to come out of my mouth."  

     "Good, gawd I hate that mini golf place, you know Amy, your little skank of an ex, works there, I can't believe you'd even think of ..." 

         

    Shawn listened to Lauren ranting all the way to Frank's Place which was indeed a fairly reputable family owned restaurant with a slightly rustic appeal.  Shawn knew everything Lauren was going to say and didn't really have to listen, he instead focused on his plans for the night ahead.  He had arranged for the wait staff to wish them a happy anniversary and bring them ice cream sundaes at the end of the meal which they would do gladly, the owner knew his father and was more than happy to help out young Shawn on this romantic endeavor.  

    "So, did you have a good day?"  Shawn tried to pick up the conversation that had almost completely fallen off since Lauren's rant in the car.  

    "Yeah, until you came to pick me up."   Lauren oozed out through a mouthful of steak special.  

     "Oh, right, yeah, sorry I guess."

     "I thought you were going to do something nice for me like all those guys in those bulletins you posted that talked about doing nice things for their girlfriend, you said you'd do that but instead you take me to some dive restaurant and what is this?  Not even flowers."

     "I thought you would like it, I'm sorry."

     "I still can't believe you brought me here, I thought you were planning something romantic." 

     "What?  I've been sending you all those text messages recently, isn't that romantic?"

     "Well yeah, but I thought you were building up to something special."

     "Isn't this special?  I've been sending you sweet messages all week, I'm taking you out to dinner and paying for you AGAIN, and you can't even be grateful, what do you expect from me?  Your name in fireworks?  Do you know how much money that would cost?  We've been going out for seven months, I have a part time, minimum wage job, and what have you done for me?  Nothing.  Your allowance is more than I make and you've gotten me NOTHING, you don't appreciate me.  You know what?  Forget it.  I'll pay them up front and call you a cab home.  We're through."  

     "Good, I'm too good for you anyway, I'm breaking up with you."

     "Enjoy your dessert."

         

    And with that Shawn paid up front and left the restaurant crying as he called a cab for Lauren who sat alone, barely phased by what just happened.  The waiter came over to make sure everything was ok.

         

     "Yeah, my dick of a boyfr-I mean EX boyfriend just made an ass of himself so I dumped him.  Loser didn't do anything for me for our anniversary, can you believe the guy?"

     "Oh, alright... do you still want the two sundaes he paid for?"

     "Ice cream in February?  What a loser, but sure, well, one of them at least, I mean, they're paid for, right?"

     "Yeah, um, and I'm not sure if I can stop it in time but-"

    And then as if it were cued by some omnipotent being their song started over the crackling intercom, the song that had been playing as Shawn and Lauren sat down during their first date to eat their ice cream sundaes.  They both sang along with it and knew only about half the words each, but had a great time laughing at each other for not knowing what they were singing and being able to just let themselves go in front of each other, it was a time Shawn treasured.

         

    Lauren looked at the waiter, "Stop what?"

     "This song, the song from your first date, Shawn requested we play it, I'm sorry, I'll see if I can stop it."

         

    Obviously it was not a time Lauren treasured as she had no idea what the waiter was talking about. "Oh, right, whatever."

    Lauren finished her sundae and went outside with the cab idling there, texting Jamie furiously about the crap of a night she just had and if Jaime knew anyone she could go out with.  She was indeed less than broken up about the breakup.  Jamie was not responding to her texts though which angered Lauren.  Jamie always responded to Lauren's texts quite quickly.

    Lauren muttered, "Gawd, what a bitch."

     "What did you say?" said the cab driver, turning down the Moody Blues knowing full well what she said, but wanting her to change her language and hoping she wasn't talking about him.  

     "Oh, nothing."

     "You're a bit young to need a ride home after getting too drunk, you know that, right?"

     "I'm not drunk, old man, I'm dumped."

     "Oh, sorry to hear that young lady."  

     "Yeah, whatever."

     "What's your name, anyway?  The guy who called in the ride just said to look for the girl in the green jacket."

     "My jacket's not green, it's teal."

     "Oh, well, he's a guy, I'm a guy, it's green, we speak the same language."

     "What language is that, asshole-ese?"  

     "If you don't watch your language I can drop you off right here, I won't have you disrespecting me in my own cab.  I have been driving this cab for nearly twenty years now and I will not stand for such a thing.  I know I'm already paid, but with how long you had me waiting outside the restaurant the fare was used up about five blocks ago, but I'm being nice and driving you the rest of the way.  So you had better return the favor and answer my question, now what's your name?"

     "Oh, sorry...  Um, I'm Lauren."

     "Lauren, I once knew a Lauren, you see-"

     "I don't mean to be disrespectful, but really I just want quiet right now."  

     "I'll be quiet then, I can respect your wishes for silence in such a time.  I didn't mean to push your buttons.  

    He didn't really push her buttons, Lauren was just being Lauren.  They spent the rest of the ride without talking and the melodies of the Moody Blues perforating the silence until they got to her house.  

     "Is this the right one?"

     "Yeah."

     "Alright, well, it's been a wonderful ride, Lauren." said the cab driver, always the gentleman.

     "Yeah, right.  So, where's your turban?"

     "What?"

     "You drive a cab, dark hair, well with grey in it, mustache, you have a weird accent, aren't you Arab or something?"

     "No, I'm Jewish.  What's wrong with you, my name's even on the back of the seat, Saul Horowitz.  Now get out you little brat."

         

    And get out she did.

    5:26 PM

  • Volume 2.2

    Story Two

    AJ

    Depending on how you look at it, Saul Horowitz's parents had either chosen a very apt name for their son, or one that resulted in their son being the blunt of a cruel cosmic joke. Mehira and Aaron Horowitz were part of the group that are often referred to as "New York Jews." Wealthy and well educated, they had put a lot of thought into what to name their son. They had settled on Saul because interpretation of the biblical king's story was conflicted.

    Some schools of rabbinical scholars believe the king to be a massive failure, whose life was fraught with mistakes and inadequacies. Others believe him to be a virtuous man who could be looked at as an example. By Mehira and Aaron's thinking, if their son grew up to be virtuous, he could remember his namesake's story and make sure not to fall into the more negative side of things. Of course, if he wasn't a successful man, he could always use his biblical counterpart as a role model. Unfortunately for Saul, his life choices had put him on the side of forever striving for (and never reaching..) kingly success.

    From the time he was a child, Saul had just missed everything he tried for. He was a B average student and only mildly successful as an athlete. In high school, he had not dated anyone and had focused mainly on blending in with the walls. He fell in love with a nice Jewish girl named Tarah in college, but the engagement had dissolved when Saul left college.

    He'd ended up landing a job as a taxi driver in Jersey, hauling drunkards and snotty coasties to and from 'glamorous' parties and trashy bars. Every person who got in his cab thought they were the most fascinating person in the world... but really very few of them piqued Saul's interest. There were, of course, a few stories of celebrities and foul smelling customers. Well, and that memorable night when a woman gave birth in the back seat. That was a night Saul felt he had redeemed himself a bit. The young couple had, as a token of thanks and apology for making a mess, asked him to help name their young daughter. He'd given them his mother's name, and they'd chosen to make it the baby's middle name – Lauren Mehira Fernandez. Though he had once again failed to get front status, Saul felt that at least he'd passed on something of his family.

    But that had been over 16 years ago. He'd never seen the couple again and had filed the experience away as a mildly entertaining story to tell passengers who wanted to chat. Thousands of unremarkable miles later Saul maintained his bachelor status. Not that he really minded – it suited his lifestyle quite well. He liked being able to choose when and where he'd go and found that by following his instincts he'd managed to land some good fares.

    However this was not one of those times.

    Saul woke up in a funk that afternoon. After so many years in the cab his back did some interesting things and it had decided to make its presence known. He grabbed his usual cup of black coffee and Marlboros and headed out.

    After several hours driving fares up and down the Jersey turnpike Saul got a call to pick some girl up at a restaurant in a residential area. Prolly some drunk chick who called mommy and daddy to get a taxi to take her home. Oh well, drunk girls needed to get home too, and so long as she didn't puke in the back seat her fare was as good as another.

    Saul arrived at the restaurant at the requested time and switched on the meter. NPR was airing an interview of some atheist writer with some very strong views. Something about how it was cruel to teach children about religion because it would ultimately end up alienating them from their peers. Dawkins, yeah that was it. "The God of the old testament himself is probably the most unpleasant character in all fiction," alleged Dawkins' voice. Damn straight, Saul thought, switching the radio to a more passenger-friendly music station.

    As he watched for the girl, Saul reflected on growing up with the name he had. The irony of it had not been lost on either his teachers or his classmates, and they never let him forget it. Neither had his family, for that matter. Depending on which way they read the story, it was always either, "Saul! You're really not living up to your name!" or, "Ohh poor Saul, why did his parents have to name him that? They doomed him!" Either way, there was one part everyone got the same. If you don't follow the Law, you will feel His wrath and it won't be pleasant. When he was very young, Saul thought he might go to hell for the sins of his namesake. Unpleasant is an understatement.

    The door slammed as an angry looking young girl slumped into the backseat. Saul tried several times to get her to talk a bit, but was only able to discover that she'd been dumped and that her name was Lauren. Funny, he'd just been thinking about that baby that was born in his cab… But this girl was decidedly obnoxious. He wouldn't let himself make a connection between this girl and someone named after his mother. It would be the way things go though, wouldn't it? After a couple more rude comments the girl stalked out of his cab up to the front door of her parents' place.

    Figures.. She didn't even have being drunk to use as an excuse for that behavior! People really need to teach their kids to be more polite. With that, Saul switched the radio back to his beloved NPR and drove off. Another night, another snotty kid.

    5:25 PM

  • Volume 2.3

    Story Three

    Wendy

    "Hey kid! Where you going?"

    Saul waited, staring at the girl in the rearview mirror. She was slumped in back, head lolling toward her shoulder, black hair shrouding her face.

    When he pulled up to the house, a young guy had been waiting there, holding the girl stiffly by the shoulders. He shoved her into the cab and hurried back inside to what Saul could see was a raging party.

    "Yo!" Saul had called out. "Where am I taking her?"

    The kid kept moving and didn't look back.

    Well shit. This is perfect.

    "Young lady! I need to know where you want to go."

    The girl groaned.

    "What's that?" he asked.

    "Mmmn…hungry."

    The chin lifted and the hair fell away from a pair of dark eyes, which focused directly on Saul's in the mirror as a voice asked pointedly, "Can we get some food?"

    Saul was caught off guard. It was a slow night, but still - time was money.

    "C'mon. Please? I haven't eaten all day," she said.

    Fuck.

    His favorite diner was nearby. It would be quick.

    As he drove, she pressed her cheek to the window, staring skyward. The cab was silent until he put it in park and told her, "Get it to go."

    "Will you come in with me? I don't want to go by myself." Her voice sounded higher – chipmunk-like. It was a voice you wouldn't want to hear first thing in the morning.

    "What do you think I am here?"

    She didn't move. The dark eyes in the mirror grew wider.

    Shit.

    The counter girl was new. She looked self-conscious in her apron, like she didn't belong, and wasn't much older than his fare. Maybe sixteen. The way they made themselves up these days, it was hard to tell.

    She looked bored, like they all do. "Can I take your order," she said flatly.

    The fare didn't pause to think. "French fries with mayonnaise on the side and a large Coke, no ice."

    The counter girl wrinkled her nose. There was a small stud in her left nostril. "O.K. I need a name," she said.

     "Why?"

    "So I can call you when your order's up."

    The girl made a show of thinking hard. She screwed up her face and placed a finger on her chin.

    Finally, she said, "Evangeline. Evangeline Lilly."

    The counter girl snorted in disdain. "Evangeline" looked smug. "It's to go," she said. "And hurry up with it. We've got places to be."

    With that, she spun around and flounced to the booth where Saul waited impatiently, feeling like a dupe.

    He tried to sum her up. Her clothes – jacket, T-shirt, short skirt, boots - didn't look expensive, but the rich kids dressed the poorest. And they sure as hell acted as trashy as any trailer park denizen. Trashier.

    Her eye makeup was smudged. If she'd worn any lipstick, it was gone. A constellation of pimples was scattered across her shiny forehead.

    The bleached light of the diner was flattering nobody at this hour.

    She turned to her reflection in the plate glass window. "I look like shit," she said, snaking her fingers through her long hair.

    The hair is O.K. I'll give her that.

    "Don't I?" she asked, turning back to him.

    "How would I know?" Saul replied, suddenly irritable.

    He checked the clock and ordered a cup of coffee from a passing waitress. "To go," he said. She nodded.

    He liked the anonymity of this place. They knew him - or rather, they knew what he ordered - but nobody bothered him with small talk. He ate most of his meals here and was always in and out quick.

    When his coffee arrived, the girl said, "You shouldn't drink that out of those Styrofoam cups. The chemicals get into hot stuff. Coke's O.K. 'cause it's cold."

    "Health tips from the girl who's dipping her fries in fat."

    The girl flushed. "It's European," she protested, eyes downcast.

    "O.K. your majesty. I'll feel plenty cosmopolitan with your greasy food stinking up my car."

    She was silent.

    "Where am I taking her highness this evening, anyway?"

     "What's your favorite song?"

    "What?"

     "I'm going to check out the jukebox."

    He waved a hand, dismissing her.

    "C'mon. You can't name one song? You must be old," she giggled and brushed her fingers lightly across his arm, which rested on the table between them. 

    He pulled away. He wasn't that old.

     "E-van-ge-line Lil-ly!" the counter girl called, sarcastically enunciating each syllable. A few heads turned.

    The girl strutted to the counter and pulled a wad of bills out of her pocket. "I've got his coffee, too," she said, turning to smile at Saul.

    Women. They were beyond comprehension. The colder you were to them, the more they warmed up. Even when they were this young.

    He nodded at the waitress, tossed a couple of bucks on the table and pushed open the door, the girl following behind.

    At the cab, she stood there, Coke in one hand, bag in the other. "Will you get the door for me?"

    Saul opened the back door.

    "Can I sit up front with you?" Her voice took on a higher pitch.

    He stood stonily, holding the back door open. She got in.

    Back behind the wheel, he demanded, "Where to?"

    She'd placed the Coke cup between her legs and was holding a plastic container of mayo in one hand, dipping a fry with the other. She popped the fry into her mouth.

    "Where, kid?" He was getting pissed. "Or would you rather I leave your ass on this corner?"

    She slurped deeply from her Coke, returned it to her lap, and thought for a moment.

    "What are you doing?" The dark eyes stared meaningfully out of the mirror. "You want to go somewhere and hang out?" She twirled a fry in the mayo and ate it, slowly.

    This Lolita routine was a pain in his ass.

    He thought of the other guys driving that night. There were plenty of creeps out there. What if one of them had picked her up?

    What she needs is the shit scared out of her. She needs to be scared straight.

    In the mirror, she smiled slyly, taking his silence as a victory.

    Yeah. She needs to be taught a lesson.

    "Sure, Evangeline," he said. "I know a place we can go."

    5:22 PM
    • Post a comment...
      • Michael McNonepants

        It's so weird when people take your characters places you didn't imagine them to go, poor Saul!
        Excellent portrayal of such a little bitch.

        5 years ago

  • Volume 2.4

    Story Four

    Saul and Eva

    Nathan

     

    A'ight, look, here's what happened. Straight up, I got thrown outta house at like, ten inna mornin'. Shit, man, that bitch just came inna room… man she supposed ta be gone 'till Tuesday, she come home on fucking Satuday, heh, I'm in the room wit'er sista! I ain't prouda it, it just what happened. An' man, she pissed! I wake up she all screamin' Muthafucka this Muthafucka that Bitch I'mma kick yo' muthafuckin' black ass… And I jump the fuck outta bed, I'm on my feet…I'm not even thinkin'! Man, I pick my shit up offa floor, put my pants on an', man I'm out the window! No way, man the fuckin' window!

    Hey, man you laughin' that bitch scary when she mad. I stuck 'round there much longer my ass be beat by like a muthafuckin' fryin' pan, some'in, like a bowlin' pin in tha closet I don't even know I got. Ha!

    'Nyway.  So all my shit back at 'er house and no fuckin' way I'm goin' back there fo' like a month. I ain't got nothin' though. I gotta couple spliff's in my back pocket, tha's all I got though. You know… what I gonna do? I'm like, well my bro's in A'lanta, maybe I'll go lay low there, or som'in. But shit, man, I ain't got no cash, I ain't got no car. An' I'm like, well, you know, I'ma big guy… right?… I jus' go into some store an' fuckin' take it right? Tha's what I'm thinkin'. But, you know, I need some a'tillery right? An' I'm not walkin' in there like Yo, my name Saul, I'll be robbin' you tonight. Please, take a picture a' my face. Right? Put it on tha evenin' news right? Right? I gotta cova' up.

    Well that part'as easy. I just walk in, right? I just walk in, rip offa tag from some ski mask, stuff it in my pants, walk out 'fore they even see me. Shit man, I was so smooth there, I was like fuckin' Batman. Nigga's di'n't even know I's there. Man, rest a' the day went that smooth? Shit, no way I be here. Things went that smooth, man I'd be like in Tijuana, some'in. Shit.

    Right, so now I need some'in… you know… some'in threatin' man. I mean, I ain' got no shotgun, nothin'. What I gonna do? Well I cuttin' through the park, man, I see this kids playin' baseball. Nobody 'round 'cept these kids. So I si' down, I start watchin' man. I get up, I go over to the kid who's about ta bat. You know, these kids, they like fuckin' nine, ten some'in. I go, 'Hey kid, lemme show you how ta hit that ball.' So he hands me the bat, an' this kid pitches the ball, real low, right? And I smash that muthafucka outta park. An all these kids… man, I just blew their fuckin' minds right? Shit, man I ain't kiddin', shoulda been a fuckin' ball player, no shit. Get my shit togetha I be like Sammy muthafuckin' Sosa… got this bum leg though… Naw seriously, I run like a bitch.

    'Nyway, so all these kids like, 'Woaaah!' an' I turn 'round an' I go to this kid, this kid wit' his mouth all wide, I go 'thanks fo' the bat, bitch.' Then I just walk 'way. Ha! That's right, man, fuck it right? All these kids like 'What the fuck nigga!' an' I turn 'round an I say, 'The fuck you gonna do bitches?' right? They kids right? Fuck man! One a 'em lil' fuckas comes up, kicks me in the muthafuckin' shin. Hurt like a bitch, man. Fuck! Look man, nigga left a mark! Musta been wearin' like, fuckin, steel toed Nikes man. Fuck! Shit, man. An' I'm like, 'you muthafucka!' An' while I'm yellin' at that little shit, another one musta found the ball cause he throws it right at my fuckin' skull, man. Bam, right here, look!

    Shit man, these some fuckin' tough muthafucka's, right? An' I can't hit no kids man, you know. I mean, I could take 'em right? But that shit's not cool, so I go, 'Fuck all y'all niggas!' and I just bolt, man. But, like I said, man I got this bum leg, right? And that little muthafucka kicked me in it too, so I can't run no good, and these fucka's all chasein' me an' shit. You know they're not givin' up right? I had to lose 'em, no shit! I'm runnin' through the fuckin' streets with mutha fuckin Little Rascals chasein' afta' me. Ha! Yeah, man I'm like fuckin' bookin' it! But I take two sharp corners, man an' no shit, hop in a fuckin' dumpster, close tha lid.  I figure, they ain't finna find me in 'ere.

    Shit man, you know, I gotta do what I gotta do right? I mean, I need that bat, plus I ain't no bitch, I mean I'm not finna give into these kids just 'cause they chase me. Fuck 'em. You know, they can get anotha bat. But these little bitches post like… like a muthafuckin' patrol by this dumpster. These nigga's clever. They split up. There like five kids in fronta the dumpster. Now, you know, they don't know I'm actually in the dumpster, but they know they lost me 'round there. So they just hang out by the dumpster, fo' like two hours, no shit. They start playin' jacks and shit, just hangin' out. I'm like, muthafucka. I'm sittin' in that shit, what I gonna do, right? 'Nyway, I found, like a burger some nigga tossed… What? Fuck you, I's hungry. Naw, wasn't bad… wish it was a bit warma though.

    'Nyway, these kids leave an' it's like six, now, right it's gettin' dark. But I got this bat, right? I mean, I can't just go walkin' round town with this bat. I mean, tha's pretty muthafuckin' suspicious right? So I just hold tight. What? Yeah, in the fuckin' dumpster, man. I mean, the place wasn't open or nuthin' I figure, it not a bad place to hangout. Oh, shit, man I musta waited like three, four hours, somethin'. Aw, fuck you man. You know, I just sparked up in there, chilled. Whateva.

    So I get out an' I got this big ol' bat, right? An' I figure, well I'ma find closest gas station, 'round here and just do it. No use wastin' time no more right? So there like a Mobil station' right 'cross from me. No car, nuthin', so I put my mask on, shit man go in there go right up, smash my bat on the counter an' go, 'Give me all yo' money! Put it in a muthafuckin' sack!' An' I put my bat up aimin' right at this chink bitch head. Right man, I finna fuckin' take that shit off. An' she look at me, look at the bat, she get this smile on her face man. She does this little shrug thing, and she go 'Okay.' Then she open up the drawer and she hand me… I mean she does this like she's workin' at a fuckin' bank man, you know, bill by bill… thirteen singles, two fives, an' a ten. Then she gives me like two dollars in quarters an' like a dollar or so in nickels. 'There you go,' she says, 'Thiwty-six dolla and fifty-five cent.' An' I look at this shit… you know, I ain't sayin' nothing, right? She goes, 'You can take pennies too,' an' points to the pennies onna counter.

    Well, I get my shit togetha' an' I say, 'Bitch, I said all the money! Not what you fuckin' feel like given' me! You fuckin' blind! Can't you see me? You don't give me all yo' cash, I'll plaster yo' brains up 'gainst that wall.' She goes, 'That is all I got! I just put money in safe twenty minute ago.' I'm like, 'Well open up the fuckin' safe then!' 'I can't open safe! Can't you read?' And she point at this sign on the door that say somein' like, 'For our safety teller can't open safe blah blah blah.' I'm like, Shit. And then this haj nigga walks in, towel wrapped round his head, and he looks at me, you know this pissed off nigga with a bat, and he goes, 'Oh! So sorry! I don't want trouble! I'll leave thank you!' And I grab him and throw him on the floor, you know I'm pissed the fuck off, and I says 'Gimme yo' keys bitch!' And he hands me his wallet an' says, 'That's all I have, so sorry!' I slap that shit outta his hands and I go, 'No bitch, yo' keys! You understan' English?! I'm stealin' yo fuckin' ride!' He just looks at me all dumb, so I make this, like motion that I'm startin up a car… you know I gotta play charades or some shit. Finally he gives me his keys an' I'm like, 'Thank you,' and walk away. Fo' I leave though, I gots turn 'round an' go, 'Oh wait, no bitch on second thought, give me yo' wallet too.' An' he crawls over, picks it up and tosses it to me. I'm like, 'Yo, thanks man.' And get the fuck out.

    'Cept, when I get outside, all I see is a taxi. I'm all, oh shit! Right? I mean, that's not what I wanted. I mean, you know that's not conspicuous at all, right? But, what I finna do? I gotta take it. So I start it up, an' get the fuck outta there, just drive. An, I'm all sweatin', my masks like fuckin' soaked, my heart's beatin'. Man, you know, I ain't no seasoned criminal right? I mean, o'viously. I don't know the fuck I'm doin'. I gotta say man, I'm fuckin' flippin' here man. You know, that adrenaline's all fuckin'… well anyway… I mean, I gotta stop an' think what the fuck I'm finna do next. So after I drove fo' awhile, I'm like uptown now by the college, right? I pull over ta the side so I can spark up, right? I mean I figure that'll calm me down. So I pull over to the side, you know, not even thinkin' where I am or nothin', I pull over, pull out a joint an' my lighter and I'm just about to spark it when the door opens and I see this girl get in. That girl, inna paper! I, mean, o'viously, I di'n't know it then, right, I got no idea who the fuck she is. An' I don' care, man! All I know is, she just got in my fuckin' car, right! I mean, tha's what I'm thinkin'. I just 'bout lose it man, I'm like 'Get the fuck—' Then I'm like, oh shit, right? I'm in a cab. And that raghead nigga left the light on, right? I mean that'd be pretty suspicious if I kick somebody out a cab right? So I calm down an' I say all business like, 'where to ma'am.' And she don't say nothin'. So I turn around and this girl's like fi'teen man. This tiny little white chick. She got like black hair all ovah the fuckin' place, man. An' she's just hangin' on ta the seat man. She look like she about ready to pass the fuck out. An' I realize, I parked right in front this frat house right? Some dumb ass big drunk white cat stumblin' back up the walk. I'm like, aw shit he just dropped her off. So I roll down the window an' I'm like, 'Yo! Where I takin' her?' That cat's already inside though. I'm like shit, I'm fucked.

    What'm I finna do with this bitch right? I turn around an' I yell, 'Yo! Wake up! Where'm I takin' you?!' All she do is groan. You know, she 'bout ready to pass out fo' good.

    So, I mean, lemme lay it down, I'm in a cab, that I stole, I jus' hold up a gas station, fo' like thirty-fi' dolla's… you know, I sure the cops crawlin' all over tha place fo' me man. You know, they get this call, 'Yeah, perp in a big-ass yella cab,' they like 'shit man, this dumb-ass be easy ta catch.' I just hopin' they like, 'man this so simple, le's stop off fo' some donuts on tha way.' Anyway, I like cup my han's over my face, I like shout 'Where you goin!' Fin'ly she wake up, she like, Woah, all dizzy, she go, 'Mmm' she clutch her stomach. You know, all that… she pro'ly drink some skanky beer, some nasty wop, pro'ly not eat nuthin'. She goes, 'Mmm, hungry.' I'm like, 'Yeah, where you wan' me ta go?' She say, 'I'm hungry.' Shit, right? I losin' my patience right? 'What I look like? A fuckin' snack bar? I don' care! Where you wanna go so you can ge' the fuck out my cab!'

    Now she look at me with these all blo' shot nasty eyes, her lip hangin' out, she all sad, all pleadin' all whiny like some spoiled-ass white bitch, she go, 'Pleeease… can't you take me somewhere to eat?' Well, shit. Fine! Right? Well I drive over to this Taco Bell. 'Cause I figure… well, I don't drink 'cause, well man… my ol' man… he drank a lot an'… well any way… uh… when my boys an' me, when we used get stoned, fo' they all left… when we got stoned you know we always walk over Taco Bell, right? I mean that's the best food when you fucked up, right? An' I jus' figure, this the same thing so… well… whateva' we go over there, an I go through the drive through, an' I stop, roll down tha' window, 'Can I take yo' order' I'm like, 'Uh… wai' a secon'' Turn 'roun, 'Whatchu want?' an' she's like, 'Where are we?' 'We at Taco Bell, this shit's great when you fucked up' She goes, 'No, no, I need something greasy… Oh! Oh!' Suddenly, she get all excited… man drunk people so crazy, they swing back forth all zzzz passed out then they like weee Crazy! She go, 'Oh! There's this diner they talkin' 'bout… the frat boys talkin' 'bout' But she don't know where it is, man. You know, she ain't from 'round there. I don't fuckin' know where it is. An' this cat on the loudspeak, he's gettin' impatient. An' she goes, 'Ask him!' The guy on the loudspeak! I'm like, this ain't 411 bitch, it's a drive thru! She crawl up right next the window, she go, 'Wherethediner!' The guy on the speaker like, 'Wha'?' I gotta push her back an' translate, her drunk ass.

    Thankfully, the dude actually know what we talkin' 'bout. He tell us there a diner 'cross the street. Pro'bly just wan' us ta get the fuck out the drive thru, though right? 'Nyway, I pull round, get outta there, we pull into this nasty greasy diner. I'm like, 'a'ight, make it quick.' Then she goes, 'Come in with me' Come in witchu? The fuck you think I am? Fuckin' butler summin'? I mean, fuck you, drunk-ass cracka' bitch. Right?

    So I go in wit'er, well, you know, I figure, the faster I make this the easier i's goin' be on all us right? Plus, I figure she pro'ly need me ta keep upright. 'Nyway, we go in, an' she go up to order, she like, 'I'll have French fries!' I'm like, 'that all you getting'?' 'Yeah.' 'Why the fuck we di'n' just go to Burger King, then?' 'I wanted the fries here!' Whate'er, man. Then she go, and this just fuckin' sick man, she go, 'Hey, can I have a side of mayonnaise? Like, in a cup?' I'm like, 'Whatchu need mayo fo'?' 'To dip them in.' Blah! No shit man, that what she said. She goin' dip 'em in that shit.

    I don' know, man, she said somein' like, tha's how they had it in Europe. I suppose, you know… considerin' her family, right? She go over Europe wheneva the fuck she want. But, at the time I just thinkin' she just wanna be like European's right? You know, shit man, those white people, they think Europe so fuckin' classy.

    But get this, man, right after she orders, right, you know the girl at the counter go, dolla se'ndy-five. And this bitch look down, then she lean over, she like brin' me down ta her level, she go, 'I don't have any money.' Shit man, I couldn' believe that shit. I'm like, 'Well how you gonna pay fo' this then?' She just look all coy at me. Fiiiine. Well yeah, I paid fo' her… I mean I had the change! Atch'lly I's gettin' real hungry anyway, so I ordered a burger… you know it just made sense ta pay fo' her as well right? But, right, I go over ta where she sittin', she sat down while I paid, see, an' I go, 'number's 42. You pick up the food.'

    Then, you know, sudd'nly I realized somein', I's like, 'waita second, how the fuck you gonna pay fo' this cab ride, if you ain't got no cash?' She sorta look down, she go, 'Well… hey, I didn't want to get in the cab.' 'Well you in it know ain'tchu?' Then I got all pissed, I mean what this bitch's deal right man? So I aksed her, I say, 'What the fuck you're problem? You know, you totally plastred, right? I mean, you gotta be, like, fif'teen somein'? You at some college party, buncha guys… you don' e'en got no money… look, you know… You're this tiny white girl… I mean… shit… I ain't no bitch… but… you know, you could get hurt out there…'

    I donknow it'as weird man… I mean… like I give a shit… right? But… I just… I felt like… you know, she'as in trouble, right? I don't know… I mean, the fuck I care… But man, this girl lookin' fo' trouble. Right after I tell her, she could get hurt, she go, she reach 'cross the table man, an' grab my han', she go, 'I bet a guy like you could hurt me…'

    No shit! Man, she lucky she found me, right? Well… shit… didn't matter right? I took my hand 'way, right? I said, 'Look, where your parents at 'nyway?' I mean, I ain' stupid, I know she pro'ly some run'way rich white chick… I mean, didn' know her parents that rich… but I figure her parents pro'ly worried, right? 'Course she go, 'I don't give a shit, my parents are assholes.' Hah! Right? Man, she never met my ol' man. You know, 'least her parents lookin' fo' her. Well, you know, 'ctually I glad my ol' man, neveh look fo' me. Shit man, I glad I got outta that house… Mutha fucka.

    Never mind that shit. Look, 'kay, all I sayin' is I knew this bitch in trouble right when she start talkin'. Shit, I knew she in trouble, right when she got inna car, but I knew somein' up when I inna diner. O'viously it fuckin' stupid o' me to e'en go in there inna first place, right? Well yeah I mean it really stupid now… last person they see her wit. 'Course, black man, white girl, 'course I fuckin' did it.

    No! Fuck you. Fuckin' hell man, I can' e'en hold up a gas station right? You think I coulda killed 'er? Real reason I shoulda left at a diner… I mean, I gotta stolen cab outside, What I shoulda done 'as fuckin' been like, 'Hold on I gotta go to a bathroom' an' just fuckin' take off bu'… Ah shit…. Look… you know, uh, I felt… well no… 'kay, look, as soon as she grab my hand… uh.. heh… I'm thinkin' I can get some pussy right? It been a pretty rough day right? Leas' I can get some pussy, knowha'msayin'?

    Uh… no… naw man… I di'n't. Well, 'kay this what happen. We getta food, she go up an' get it. She come back an' give me my cheeseburger… oh shit man, I fuckin tear inta that thing. Hah! Fucking so much betta than the one inna dumpster. I not e'en thinkin' though. Man, she the one that was like, 'Hey, uh can we get going?' I look up from the burger man, an… man all I thinkin' uh right then was eatin' I go, 'Why?' She's like, well o'viously she thinking' she goin' be seen she hang 'round too much. But she said, 'Well… you know we can go somewhere.' All nymph like. Shit. Right? I'm like, well I suppose I could eat the burger inna car right? Knowha'msayin'? Then I think… I mean it occur to me, fin'ly, oh shit I gotta stolen cab. I like, 'Yeah, let's go.'

    So we get in the cab, she get inna back, an' start strokin' my neck, like behin' my seat. Shit man, I'm like, baby, sit the fuck back, I gotta drive. I mean, no'mly I'd be all fine with that shit, but I wanna concentrate on drivin', right? I wanna concentrate on drivin' inna straight line so cops don't stop me an' be like, 'scuse me why's there a nigga an a white girl inna stolen cab? So I tell her sit back. An so we's drivin' towards tha tracks. You know, I figure nothin' down there. Park inna shadow, no one see the cab right? An'…

    Okay… look, I gotta be honest witchu. 'Cause… Okay… man, I wasn' lookin' ta get laid or nuthin… I mean, shit, you see the picture inna paper right? I mean, tha' girl ugly. You know, you don' needa be attractiv ta be rich right? And you cer'tinly don' needa have an attractiv daughter… I mean… an' she was lookin' lot rougher that night than she do in that picture, trust me. She pro'ly pukin' all over hersel' atta party right? Tha's why they get ridda her. 'Nyway… Well, you know, 'sides, heh, I hadda 'nuff pussy tha' mornin' Knowha'msayin'? I mean, two sista's inna same room 'nuff pussy. Two actual related sista's inna same room, that more inna 'nuff pussy. 'Specially when onea' 'em bout readya cutcha balls of, man. So I's jus' drivin'… hopein' I figure out what I finna do, right? I mean, shit, this girl… what I finna do wit her right? 'Specially since I'm in a stolen cab. Not like I can go up to the police station, be like, fin' this girl parents please an' uh… gotta go!

    So, I just drivin' you know, makin sure I keepa side streets. You know, so cops don' see me. An' yeah, I's head for tha tracks, 'cause I figure, once I get there least I can lay low. An' as I'm doin' this… well… I starta talkin'. Just… Just like, fo' no reason. I start tellin' her how… well, how I figure she in trouble. An' she all quite. So I… I just star' talkin'… an' God knows… shit man, you know, how I ain't the most ar'tic'late cat… man, shit, I just start ramblin'. I just start talkin' 'bout my dad, 'start talkin' 'bout my girl, my ex, her sista, an'… man this so stupid, I start blabin' 'bout what I did tha' day. How much I fuck up. I's like… man, you know in movies, you know in gangsta movies where they go inna little room an start talkin' 'bout what they done, start talkin' to a priest? Yeah, right, a confession, like a confession, 'cept I confessin' to some white bitch. I don' know why. Pro'ly… well like I said, I wanna save 'er somein'. Naw… that ain' it…

     Di'n't matter though right? Dumb bitch gets 'self killed 'nyway.

    Well, like I said, I goin' towards tracks. When I get there, I turn 'round, 'cause she been quite through the whole thing. Man, I ain' e'en look at her. I just ramblin' the whole time. To be honest, kinda fo'got she there. But when I turn 'round, shit man, she just pass the fuck out. She layin' down. Snorin'. So I just said fuck it an' hop this train here. I lef' her in the cab.

    Well, shit, man I di'n't think much o' it. I mean. Thinkin' back, you know, pro'ly the best thing I coul'a done 'nyway, right? I mean, the cops lookin' fo' the cab 'nyway. If cops ac'tly been on 'ere toes 'stead a fuckin' with niggas or what'er the fuck they do, man maybe they find her.  Stead some other nigga come in and slice her the fuck up. Shit, an' like I said, 'course they lookin' fo' me. Pro'ly didn' e'en stop ta ask the cracka's atta frat house the fuck they doin' wit' her.

    Ah, fuck it. Wish I coulda done some'in. Guess not.

    Pass 'at bottle.

    5:20 PM

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