Frankie Boyle

www.myspace.com/frankieboylelive

Had a weird dream about doing a satirical monologue about a TV show called " Golden Jam". It was hosted by Anne Robinson and was in some way anti-ChinMood: neutral neutralPosted at 8:43 AM Oct 10 view more

  • Frankie Boyle

  • 37 / Male
  • Lots, Scotland, UK
  • Last Login: 11/25/2009

114749422|37|11111|http://b5.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/01225/59/95/1225925995_m.jpg

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Interests

  • General

    I have interests.
  • Music

    I listen to music.
  • Movies

    I watch movies.
  • Television

    I also watch television.
  • Books

    I read books.
  • Heroes

    I have heroes.

Details

  • Status: In a Relationship
  • Here for: Networking, Friends
  • Hometown: Glasgow.
  • Body type: Average
  • Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
  • Zodiac Sign: Leo
  • Children: Proud parent
  • Occupation: Comedian

Schools

Companies

  • Chambers Management

    • Barbican, London UK
    • These are my agents

Blurbs

About me:

I am a semi-professional acrobat and minor priest of Uombumbay The Undying Egg. To fund my vocation I practise stand-up comedy. What I love about my religion is that it offers no hope at all. When Uombumbay finally emerges from his egg, we believe that he will die whilst laying another egg. I have a beautiful daughter and a lot of fun. I read a lot of comic books and have recently, aged 34, made a half hearted attempt to learn to do tricks on my bike. Vive la Revolucion!




  Thursday 18th March 2010 Glasgow - King's Theatre  
  Friday 19th March 2010 Glasgow - King's Theatre  
  Saturday 20th March 2010 Glasgow - King's Theatre  
  Sunday 21st March 2010 Glasgow - King's Theatre  
  Wednesday 24th March 2010 Dunfermline - Alhambra  
  Thursday 25th March 2010 Dunfermline - Alhambra  
  Friday 26th March 2010 Dunfermline - Alhambra  
  Sunday 28th March 2010 Inverness - Eden Court Theatre  
  Monday 29th March 2010 Inverness - Eden Court Theatre  
  Tuesday 30th March 2010 Perth - Concert Hall  
  Saturday 3rd April 2010 Aberdeen - Music Hall  
  Sunday 4th April 2010 Aberdeen - Music Hall  
  Wednesday 7th April 2010 Reading - Hexagon  
  Thursday 8th April 2010 Plymouth - Pavilions  
  Friday 9th April 2010 Plymouth - Pavilions  
  Saturday 10th April 2010 Bristol - Colston Hall  
  Sunday 11th April 2010 Bristol - Colston Hall  
  Monday 12th April 2010 Swansea - Grand Theatre  
  Wednesday 14th April 2010 Portsmouth - Guildhall  
  Thursday 15th April 2010 Portsmouth - Guildhall  
  Friday 16th April 2010 Southend - Cliffs Pavilion  
  Saturday 17th April 2010 Brighton - Dome  
  Sunday 18th April 2010 Brighton - Dome  
  Wednesday 21st April 2010 Birmingham - Symphony Hall  
  Thursday 22nd April 2010 Birmingham - Symphony Hall  
  Friday 23rd April 2010 Sheffield - City Hall  
  Saturday 24th April 2010 Sheffield - City Hall  
  Sunday 25th April 2010 Southport - Theatre  
  Wednesday 28th April 2010 Reading - Hexagon 0118 960 6060  
  Thursday 29th April 2010 Southend - Cliffs Pavilion 01702 351 135  
  Friday 30th April 2010 Margate - Winter Gardens 01843 296 111  
  Saturday 1st May 2010 Bournemouth - BIC  
  Sunday 2nd May 2010 Bournemouth - BIC  
  Wednesday 5th May 2010 Leicester - De Montfort Hall  
  Thursday 6th May 2010 Leicester - De Montfort Hall  
  Friday 7th May 2010 Wolverhampton - Civic  
  Saturday 8th May 2010 Wolverhampton - Civic  
  Sunday 9th May 2010 Wolverhampton - Civic  
  Wednesday 12th May 2010 York - Grand Opera House  
  Thursday 13th May 2010 York - Grand Opera House  
  Friday 14th May 2010 Newcastle - City Hall  
  Saturday 15th May 2010 Newcastle - City Hall  
  Sunday 16th May 2010 Newcastle - City Hall  
  Monday 17th May 2010 Middlesbrough - Town Hall  
  Tuesday 18th May 2010 Middlesbrough - Town Hall  
  Saturday 22nd May 2010 Belfast - Waterfront Hall  
  Sunday 23rd May 2010 Belfast - Waterfront Hall  
  Tuesday 25th May 2010 Dublin - Vicar Street 0818 719 390  
  Wednesday 26th May 2010 Dublin - Vicar Street 0818 719 390  
  Thursday 3rd June 2010 London - Hammersmith Apollo 08448 44 47 48  
  Friday 4th June 2010 DVD Recording - H'smith Apollo 08448 44 47 48  
  Saturday 5th June 2010 DVD Recording - H'smith Apollo 08448 44 47 48  
  Thursday 30th September 2010 Edinburgh - Festival Theatre  
  Friday 1st October 2010 Edinburgh - Festival Theatre  
  Saturday 2nd October 2010 Edinburgh - Festival Theatre  
  Sunday 3rd October 2010 Edinburgh - Festival Theatre 0131 529 6000  
  Tuesday 5th October 2010 Oxford - New Theatre 0844 847 1585  
  Wednesday 6th October 2010 Oxford - New Theatre 0844 847 1585  
  Thursday 7th October 2010 Oxford - New Theatre  
  Friday 8th October 2010 Ipswich - Regent Theatre  
  Saturday 9th October 2010 Ipswich - Regent Theatre 01473 433 100  
  Monday 11th October 2010 Brighton - Dome 01273 709 709  
  Tuesday 12th October 2010 Brighton - Dome 01273 709 709  
  Thursday 14th October 2010 Nottingham - Royal Concert Hall  
  Friday 15th October 2010 Grimsby - Auditorium 0844 847 2426  
  Saturday 16th October 2010 Wolverhampton - Civic 0870 320 7000  
  Sunday 17th October 2010 Wolverhampton - Civic 0870 320 7000  
  Monday 18th October 2010 Coventry - Warwick Arts Centre 02476 524 524  
  Tuesday 19th October 2010 Northampton - Royal & Derngate 01604 624 811  
  Wednesday 20th October 2010 Northampton - Royal & Derngate 01604 624 811  
  Saturday 23rd October 2010 Liverpool - Philharmonic 0151 709 3789  
  Sunday 24th October 2010 Liverpool - Philharmonic  
  Monday 25th October 2010 Manchester - Apollo 08444 777 677  
  Tuesday 26th October 2010 Manchester - Apollo  
  Wednesday 27th October 2010 Manchester - Apollo  
  Thursday 28th October 2010 Manchester - Apollo  
  Saturday 30th October 2010 Cardiff - St David's Hall  
  Sunday 31st October 2010 Cardiff - St David's Hall  
  Wednesday 3rd November 2010 London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo 08448 444 748  
  Thursday 4th November 2010 London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo  
  Friday 5th November 2010 London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo  
  Saturday 6th November 2010 London - HMV Hammersmith Apollo  
  Sunday 7th November 2010 Hastings - White Rock Theatre 01424 462 288  
  Tuesday 16th November 2010 Carlisle - Sands Centre 01228 625 222  
  Thursday 18th November 2010 Preston - Guildhall  
  Friday 19th November 2010 Blackburn - King George's Hall  
  Saturday 20th November 2010 Bradford - St George's Hall 01274 432 000  
  Sunday 21st November 2010 Halifax - Victoria Theatre  
  Monday 22nd November 2010 Blackburn - King George's Hall 0844 847 1664  
  Friday 26th November 2010 Glasgow - SECC  
  Saturday 27th November 2010 Glasgow - SECC  

Who I'd like to meet:

I'd love to go on a series of adventures through Modern European History. Perhaps travelling through some kind of Time Door, with a teenage sidekick, or a cavewoman. I would travel along the Timepaths averting wars and catastrophe, then eventually return to my own time. Where my meddling would mean that Britain was ruled by worms.



My friend Thomas Duffy and I both joined the Cubs, which we loved. I think we’d exaggerated the subs to our folks so we could buy Slush Puppies on the way home. Our parents never caught on, even though we’d always come back with bright blue or purple mouths and crippling headaches. The Cubs was run by a lovely lady who lived round the corner from us. I don’t think she knew a single thing about the Cubs or the Scouting movement; she just started it up in the church hall to give us something to do. There were none of the awkward formal greetings and knot tying of the proper Cubs. If you wanted a badge you just told her and she’d set you a totally arbitrary task. I got my sports badge for running round the hall. There was a great fancy-dress competition every Halloween. Once I went as the Hulk – painted from head to foot in watercolours that dried on me in such a way that I seemed to be walking around in a huge scab. Thomas, quite brilliantly, painted an enormous cardboard box and went as an Oxo cube. He made his dad walk us up to the hall as he had a real paranoia that a passing lunatic might set fire to him.

The Cub leader’s brother would come to the meetings a lot to help out; he was maybe in his twenties. The last 20 minutes of most meetings involved him tying an enormous running shoe to a big bit of rope and making us jump as he swung it round faster and faster. Who knows what was going on in this guy’s life that he’d turn up every week to blast wee boys into the side of a public building with an enormous shoe, but we were really glad that he did. I even won one week! I was encouraged to stage a high jump competition at some railings near our house, hurting my balls quite badly.

Our outfit or unit or whatever (not having been in the proper Cubs, who knows what the term is) went to a real Scout camp once and it was absolute chaos. There’s always been something suspect about Scoutmasters to me. Middle-aged men taking young boys into the woods to practise tying knots is clearly not good. If you’re going to get felt up in a tent by the Scoutmaster then the very least you should get is a badge that you can use to cover the hole in the back of your shorts.

There was also some weird sectarian thing going on with the guy who was leading the trip. I was too young to decode what was going on but when the kids started singing ‘Flower of Scotland’ on the bus he went absolutely tonto, making the driver pull into a lay-by and giving a truly crazy, bulging-eyed speech about the Queen. That’s a real thing with sectarians – they always assume that people are interested in the shite they talk. He was literally foaming at the mouth about the Act of Union, in front of a bunch of 9 year olds who were thinking about when they might get a hotdog. Of course one must avoid generalisations but that man was definitely a paedophile.

At camp, we were no more prepared to set up tents and light fires than a tribe of monkeys. In fact, one of our guys (a real wingnut who seemed much too tall and old to be a Cub) immediately climbed a tree and started screaming like a monkey, breaking off branches and throwing them into the camp. Another got off the bus and just ran straight down towards the river bank, crashing straight into the river. The real Scouts looked shell-shocked as the monkey guy leapt down from the tree and tried to engage them in swordfights with an enormous stick. Clearly, all pretence of being a real outfit, unit or possibly troop had been blown.

The Scouts sent an observer to one of our meetings. I missed it but apparently he stood around slack-jawed watching boys get pelted into stacks of chairs with a big training shoe. We were all made to attend a real Cubs meet in a better part of town. The Cubs had to line up and do a little salute at the start! The leader was called Arkela! The gymnastics badge didn’t simply require jumping two-footed over a chair! Their leader called out a boy to give a mad little speech about the history of Scouting. He had an enormous gumboil, easily half the size of his face, and spoke in a wet mumble like The Elephant Man Jr. The meetings must have been bad because our Cubs got shut down and there was fuck all to do again.

Status and Mood

  • Frankie Boyle Had a weird dream about doing a satirical monologue about a TV show called " Golden Jam". It was hosted by Anne Robinson and was in some way anti-Chin
    Mood: neutral neutral
    Posted at 8:43 AM Oct 10

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Comments

Displaying 25 of 3565 comments
  • Nov 24 2009 2:50 PM

    hello there yummy,
    showing yur page some loveeee
    just popping by to say hello,
    how r u?
    drop by some time,
    xx jaz xx
  • Nov 21 2009 6:15 PM

    hi Frankie, thanks for adding me...
    i know your sick of talking about mock the week, but i will miss seeing you on it but i look forward to your next projects.
  • Nov 21 2009 6:15 PM

    Hey Frankie!
    You left Mock The Week... WHY?
  • Nov 21 2009 2:10 PM

    Hi Frankie. Thank you for adding me as a friend. It was great to meet you in borders yesterday. Now you know that you have Spanish fans as well as your Glaswegian followers! Muchas gracias,amigo!!! ;-) Take care. xx
  • Nov 21 2009 2:10 PM

    Was great to see you at the signing in Glasgow :)

    Have a good weekend - hope to see you at one of the tour dates.

    Cheers,

    Lorri
  • Nov 20 2009 1:12 PM

    Was great getting to meet you =]
    Hope your well!
    xx
  • Nov 19 2009 3:36 PM

    I don't know how you get away with half the things you say, but I'm glad you do. You're a breath of uproarously chilly Scottish air! Don't go changing, man.
  • Nov 18 2009 3:00 PM

    Awh bloody hell Frankie, i won't be around when you play Liverpool. I'm moving to Ohio, come and play.
  • Nov 18 2009 3:00 PM

    Actually, i might be, haha. I'll be there then.
  • Nov 18 2009 3:00 PM

    Cheers for the add Frankie, give our comic a read if your ever bored.

    Keep it real you straight talkin mother fucker.
  • Nov 17 2009 11:48 PM

    Thanks for adding me Frankie
  • Nov 17 2009 4:22 PM

    Hi Frankie!

    Thanks for the add, I really appreciate it!!

    And what's all this about you leaving "Mock The Week"???...noooo!!! There goes the eye candy!!!! ;)

    All The Best & Take Care!

    Toni X

  • Nov 16 2009 5:04 PM

    Thanks for adding us, Mr Boyle.

    PS "Mock" won't be the same without you.
  • Nov 16 2009 4:24 PM

    Frankie,
    Such a shame you're leaving Mock the Week......your comments are (i) funny and (ii) so true, it's scary. Keep doing what you're doing! Amazing
    Marcus
  • Nov 16 2009 4:24 PM

    Hope to see you Thursday at the book signing. That is if my work actually allow me to leave early in order to get there!!

    Enjoy the week ahead, take care.

    Lorri
  • Nov 15 2009 8:53 AM

    Frankie-boy!! What's happening?
    I'm totally excited, we've got tickets to come and see you in Hammersmith on 5th June for the late show.
    I'm German and by definition do not have a sense of humour, but I do like yours :D
  • Nov 13 2009 5:12 PM

    Hey chap, thanks for the accept - I started reading your book - funny as fuck!
  • Nov 13 2009 5:12 PM

    Hey! Thanks again for being our friend. Make sure you have a little listen to our album Songs For Abandoned Buildings and our new mini album Gravity available on our page. If you like it, please check us out on itunes so we can play a town near you!
  • Nov 13 2009 5:12 PM

    Frankie,i just booked out Vicar st,so we can be alone together at last...... lol
  • Nov 12 2009 4:16 PM

    Venue change for tonight's gig - now at The Goat Bar, Argyle St - a free gig, so come along and dance to a punk/reggae/ska extravaganza, starting about 9;30pm,cheers, vince
  • Nov 12 2009 4:16 PM

    Yo frankie, you are the funniest by far.
  • Nov 11 2009 4:37 PM

    Thanks for adding me as a friend, Frankie. Have just booked tickets to see you next November in Ipswich - can't wait already. Take it steady big man x
  • Nov 11 2009 4:37 PM

    Thank you for the add.
    x
  • Nov 10 2009 12:38 PM

    Hey hey, hope all is well!

    Just here to say that there's a new track up "Hidden Gem Dance Remix" which will hopefully make your dancing shoes happy so please check it out!

    Lovesies,

    Sea Bass Kid
  • Nov 10 2009 12:38 PM

    WE ARE DELIGHTED TO BE IN YOUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. IF YOU HAVE TIME, WOULD YOU MIND CHECKING OUT OUR NEW RELEASE...(CAUGHT UP) AND LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. ALWAYS APPRECIATE YOUR TIME AND COMMENTS....HAVE A FABULOUS WEEK AND LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU,
    YOUR FRIENDS,
    DANIEL AND ANGELINA (DNA)