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"Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make all this go away and dissapear."

I know thats wrong because it's my responsibility and I know that things get worse before they get better. I walk around the school hallways. I look at the people and look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were our age. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day. And how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking and wondering why.

Especially since I know that if they went to another school, the person that had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by someone else, so why does it have to be so personal? It' s much easier not to know things sometimes. Things change. And friends leave. And life doesnt stop for anybody.

I wanted to laugh, or maybe get mad, or maybe shrug at how strange everyone was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live his or her own life. And then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives in front of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am and I'm going to figure out what that is. We could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about eachother and blame alot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. Its just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective but sometimes I think that the only perspective is to be really there. Because its ok to feel things. And be who you are about them. I was really there and that was enough to make me feel infinite.