Hey there...I'm the writer and cartoonist behind "Gary Tales", the weekly comic strip I created in 2002. I hope to have my website up soon, but in the meantime you can take a look at some of my strips in my photos section, and also in the New England Blade (formerly In Newsweekly), where it has been published since 2003.

SEVENTY-FOUR RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. As a general rule, I hate being in any situation in which I am required to wear a tie.
2. My favorite Sanrio character is Badtz Maru.
3. I don't understand the appeal of Dr. Pepper.
4. When I am shopping and I find something I want to purchase, I have to keep looking until I find something else to buy, too. I hate to buy just one item.
5. I like rollercoasters.
6. I hate to cook but I like to bake.
7. My favorite form of precipitation is hail.
8. I love Goober Strawberry--NOT Goober Grape--but it is not sold in Massachusetts, for some reason. I always make a point to buy a jar when I am visiting California or one of the other lucky states that sell this delicious product. And then I eat it straight out of the jar in a matter of days. Maybe it's a good thing they don't sell it in my area, come to think of it.
9. I never watched "Everybody Loves Raymond". Not because I don't Love Raymond like Everybody else. It's that Patricia Heaton I hate. There's just something about her that pisses me off.
10. I have a great idea for a movie but I am not going to share it with you because how do I know you won't steal it?
11. I hate when people litter. Remember, kids: "Littering isn't sexy." This has been a Public Service Announcement From MySpace.
12. I have been known to, on occasion, actually eat those superfluous rolls that come with Chinese take-out.
13. My favorite chewing gum is 'Dentyne Classic'. It's very hard to find. Please send me some.
14. I have a squashed penny collection.
15. I really do try to floss every day, but sometimes I am just tired. So very very tired. Don't give me that look.
16. I think only children should wear mittens. If you are over the age of 11, stop.
17. I often watch TV with the Closed Captioning on. I just don't want to miss any important dialogue.
18. I actually liked Futurama more than The Simpsons. I think.
19. No, I am not on Manhunt. Stop asking.
20. I think oriental rugs are ugly.
21. I enjoy a good game of backgammon, and I'll even let you win.
22. The feeling of cotton balls on my fingertips sends chills down my spine. For this reason, whenever I buy a bottle of aspirin/drugs, I have to ask someone to remove the cotton for me.
23. I was born during a snowstorm on December 16, 1970. There was another snowstorm ten years later and it was an extra-special birthday for me because school was cancelled. I remember watching TV and there was a news brief that announced that Colonel Sanders died.
24. I don't keep cereal in the house because it's too exciting. Is there anything more delicious than Fruity Pebbles? I would not be able to sleep at night knowing there was a box of it in the kitchen cupboard. And are they crazy with their "Servings Per Box: 14"? Try three.
25. I have hosted four Tupperware parties in my lifetime.
26. I have seen Debbie Gibson in concert twice.
27. I am not ashamed of either of those last two items.
28. I lost my virginity at age nineteen.
29. With two guys.
30. I think Moby's "Everything is Wrong" is a much better album than "Play".
31. I have never tried cocaine.
32. I put so much hot sauce in my scrambled eggs that they come out orange.
33. When I was a kid, I had a lot of allergies and had to go to the doctor a lot. The doctor's office was on Mulberry Street in Springfield, Massachusetts--the same Mulberry Street Dr. Suess lived on and referenced in his book "And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street."
34. I don't have an iPod because I don't like the way that circly thingy feels...kinda like the whole cotton ball thing I mentioned earlier.
35. Enya makes me feel edgy.
36. My favorite Muppet Show muppet is Janice.
37. My favorite Sesame Street muppet is Grover.
38. And I hate that fucking Elmo.
39. I have a cat named Sami. Can you guess who she is named after?
40. I am a bad dancer.
41. I have never been stung by a bee.
42. I am very ticklish.
43. I resented being forced to write in cursive in grade school. As soon as they let me, in high school, I went right back to printing, and never looked back.
44. I am tired of hearing about artists and musicians being praised because they are "constantly reinventing themselves." I don't believe that 'reinventing' yourself (or 'inventing' yourself, for that matter) is an admirable feat. Be who you are.
45. I am a little bit afraid of dogs. I was attacked by a dog when I was a paperboy in 9th grade. I tried to get away on my bicycle, and the dog grabbed hold of my ankle with its teeth. I pedaled like crazy, dragging the dog--attached to my leg--along with me. I screamed and wiped out, and the *hot* twentysomething dog owner came to pull the dog off me. His bitch of a sister was an upperclassmen in my school, and was furious at me for being so stupid as to have their dog attack me, unprovoked. She and her cunty friends harrassed me in the hallways, and ambushed me while I was delivering my newspapers, chasing me and hitting me with sticks as I rode by on my bike. Yeah, high school was a difficult time for me.
46. I balance my checkbook every month.
47. I have never successfully faxed anything in my life. I do not understand why we still have fax machines. They never work!!! Can we all just agree to scan documents and send them via email?
48. I didn't go to my prom.
49. I still miss Woolworths.
50. My first car was an old, $600 shit-brown Chevette that was in such bad shape it practically disintegrated as I was driving it. We used to ride around in it singing to the tune of Prince: "Little Brown Chevette..."
51. I have never met anyone who is a fan of Jennifer Love Hewitt.
52. My favorite pen is that BIC pen with the four colors.
53. I Think pity is underrated. Take what you can get, I say.
54. I am still surprised that Pink is around. I really thought she was going to be a One-Hit wonder. Good for her!
55. I am not one to make grand sweeping generalizations, but it seems to me that anyone who owns a Hummer is probably an asshole.
56. I use those little green Scotch Brite Rescue soap sponges to wash dishes. They are the sponges my family used, and I have always bought. Every roommate I have ever had has made fun of me for it, because they think it is funny to use such a small sponge. People always prefer to use those big sponges. But the Rescue sponges clean better, last longer, and because of the size it is easier to clean items with narrow openings, such as glasses. They are designed by 3M, for Christ's sake. Is my family the only family who buys this product?!? It irritates me that my roommates had a problem about this. It just goes to show you: People will complain about anything. At least I do the fuckin' dishes.
57. I hold grudges.
58. I clip coupons and shop wisely.
59. I have never seen a James Bond film.
60. Five sounds that drive me insane: Clocks ticking, faucets dripping, birds squawking, crickets chirping, and James Taylor's voice.
61. I have never been fired from a job.
62. I hate walking barefoot. I don't like the feel of blades of grass between my toes. Blech!
63. I like tofu as a food item in its own right, not just as a replacement for meat.
64. I am a master at Q*Bert.
65. My favorite Cyndi Lauper song is "I Got a Hole in My Heart (That Goes All The Way To China)". There are 25 songs on the Cyndi Lauper Greatest Hits CD Collection. This is not one of them.
66. I have been dragged to see Blue Man Group twice. Once was more than enough.
67. I don't trust people who don't eat bread.
68. I have been called for Jury Duty several times, and I was chosen once. I served on a civil trial for 10 days, and I enjoyed the experience very much.
69. My dream job is to be a Professional Ladler. I just want to work in a cafeteria and ladle food all day. I'm only kidding a little bit about this.
70. I hate it when people try to make me use chopsticks. It adds nothing to the dining experience to use the "culturally-matching" utensils. In some parts of India, they eat with their hands--should I use my hands at an Indian restaurant? No. I am American. I use a fork.
71. I am often told I walk too fast. I have to admit it's true. People are always telling me to slow down. It's not that I am in a hurry, it's just that I like to walk at a brisk pace. I hate strolling. The only thing I hate more than strolling is ambling. The only thing I hate more than ambling is meandering.
72. I have never played 'Twister'.
73. Years ago, there was this frozen yogurt place in Downtown Crossing called "I Can't Believe It's Yogurt!" They had the most delicious banana frozen yogurt. I started going there on my lunch breaks frequently, skipping 'lunch' completely and ordering a large banana frozen yogurt with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on top. One day, I went up to the counter and the man said to me, "The usual?" It startled me. I was horrified to discover that I had become a "Regular". I never went there again. This anecdote reveals more about me than any other story I can think of.
74. I know who I am.

• Ummm...people who like my comic strip.
• I would also like to meet artists and writers to collaborate on projects.
• I would like to meet more atheists.
• I would like to meet anyone who remembers the Saturday morning cartoon in which Laverne and Shirley were in the army and their sargeant was a talking pig whose voice was by Horshack. Somehow, Fonz and the Happy Days gang in space made sense, but this was just too weird.

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