You see when I was a young starlet in Japan I could do no wrong. I fought King Kong, chilled and drank the sake with Mothra. Life was good! I made a ton of great movies and loads of people wanted to have t-shirts and toys made with my gorgeous likeness on them! I was living the big pimpin' life.
Then my agent said "Godzilla," we have to try to get you more in the American Audience." My agent seemed to think you useless Americans had some money we needed or something like that. He was deeply stupid and I soon ate him. However I wasn't able to do so before he conned me into staring in an American remake of the movie that is also named after me, Godzilla.
You see he told me movie would star BIG AMERICAN ACTION STAR and that I would be so rich I could wipe my tail with gold bricks if I wanted to. He also told me this while I was bombed out of my mind on sake in a massage parlor. You can see where this is leading.
I wake up in America with a hangover and find myself meeting Matthew Broderick for the first time. This puny human was to be my co-star? I was doing an action picture with FREAKIN FERRIS BUELLER? Even I am not so stupid as to think this would work and I'm A GIANT NUCLEAR LIZARD who obviously had a drinking problem or I wouldn't have been on this stinkin' backlot.
Unfortunately my grasp of your babbling English language was limited at the time and every one seemed to think I was having a great time. Oh look at that funny Godzilla into the sake again, such a party girl! Really I was just as usual trying to end my own life.
To cheer myself up I ate my agent.
Once the filming for this wretched movie was over I tried to get back on the plane to go home only to find I had eaten my passport when I ate my agent. I accidently set the customs agent on fire with my nuclear breath and was soon arrested.
It was as they say on your junky American t.v. a dark time for Godzilla.
After my jail time was up I worked some odd jobs. I filled in for T-Rex out in Palm Springs for awhile when he needed to get some work done on his teeth.
That job sucked. It was hot and the other DinoBabe there isn't much of a talker. Seriously it was like talking to a freakin' wall.
After that I worked the Jurrassic Park ride in Universal Studios for awhile. You'd really think movie people could tell I am not a T-Rex but whatever, I work for cheap and don't really have a passport so I take what I can get.
All the other theme park workers told me portraying T-Rex was a huge honor but really, I'M FREAKIN GODZILLA! HELLO.
Many heart breaks later I ended up in SLO spending the last of the money I made eating a liquor store clerk and passed out drunk in the streets. I came to, finding myself prisoner of The Tristan of New Rock 1073. At least he understands I'm not a T-Rex.
So that's how I came to be here... my life was ruined by Matthew Broderick and if I ever see his little musical theater doing ass again he's toast.... literally.
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