Mike
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Grammar Nazi
Male
45 years old
Xenia, OHIO
United States
Last Login: 2/29/2008
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Mike's Details
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| Status: | Married | | Orientation: | Straight | | Hometown: | Xenia, Ohio | | Zodiac Sign: | Capricorn | | Smoke / Drink: | No / Yes | | Children: | Proud parent | | Education: | Some college | | Income: | $60,000 to $75,000 |
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Mike's Blurbs |
About me:
This is a rant. If you are here, it is because you have been told that you should check out this site for your own edification.
Feel free to reply, retort, and even point out the mistakes that you find here.
I am not so proud that I believe myself to be above criticism.
This is not a definitive guide, nor is is an exhaustive reference of all things related to grammar. Please keep that in mind. This is merely my rantings.
I would just as soon do this as I would start a site aimed at all the so-called drivers on the roads today, but I don't know of a good way to single out a driver and point him or her to a web site.
It is my belief that most drivers can't read street signs, let alone a web page that does not have a lot of pretty pictures.
So here it is; take it for what it is.
It is bad enough that every customer service phone call I make connects me to a person who speaks English only as a second (a DISTANT second) language. It is even worse that nearly every article or discussion I see posted on the web, written by people in America, appears to have been first scribbled on the wall, in crayon, before being transcribed by a blind orangutan using Microsoft's voice-recognition software.
That being said, here are some tips that should be read before posting any messages. Ever.
1. If you type in all caps, you are an inconsiderate dick.
2. If you never use caps (like at the beginning of a sentence) or punctuation, then you are an inconsiderate dick. You are also stupid.
3. If you use an apostrophe on every word ending with "s", then you are a fucking moron.
4. Spell check. Use it. If you cannot figure out how, then put your computer back in the pretty box, take it back to the store, and tell them that you are too fucking stupid to be using a computer.
5. OS X. Not OS/X or OS-X or O.S.X. or even OSX.
If you must know the reason, it's very simple: That's the way Apple says it is supposed to be. Now I know you think you are better than Apple, but it's their fucking operating system, I think we should all be able to write it their fucking way. If you must, please call them and tell them what a brilliant prick you are, and they'll come around instantly. Run along, and try not to get hurt with the phone.
6. "Their" is not the same as "There" is not the same as "They're". Get a clue, dipshit.
7. "Witch" is not the same as "Which". And the city in Kansas is spelled "Wichita". There is no "Whichita" or "Witchita".
8. "Too" is not the same as "To" is not the same as "Two". Dipshit.
9. There are a lot more homonyms. Figure them out.
If you think that "Homonym" is made from giant pieces of corn, then... Well, then you are right. Make sure to use lots of homonym in your posts. Lots of mushy, corny goodness.
10. So-called "Leet Speak" is fine for talking with all of your little uber-geeky, angsty, dipshit friends. I do not have the time or desire to figure out what you're trying to say, especially if you don't have the common sense to write in plain English. Keep it to yourselves.
11. Expecially, Pacifically, Suhtistics, Nucyouler, etc. If you insist on speaking like this, then go back to Indiana with all the other retards.
Oh. Did that offend you? Well, then, I have two words for you: "Dan Quayle."
12. A discussion about artichokes is no place to start browser wars. Nobody in a thread about food gives a shit. Here is a helpful hint: If you have to "edit site preferences" on half of the websites that you visit, then your browser sucks. Even if you clench your little digits into fists, and stomp your feet, and scream about higher standards and conspiracies and targeting and sniffing, the fact remains: Your browser sucks. Switch.
13. Don't use the word, "Ironic" or any of the derivatives. Ever. Ninety per cent of the country does not understand what it means; the odds are against you on this one. Instead, use "coincidence", even if it is a little harder to spell. If I had to guess, I would say that "coincidence" is probably what you wanted to say in the first place.
The irony in the song by Alanis Morissette is in the fact that not ONE line in the whole song is an example of irony. THAT'S what's so fucking ironic!
14. If you didn't vote in the last election, then just shut the fuck up about all things political. If you didn't participate in the government when you had the chance, then nobody really gives a shit what you have to say now. In the words of Steve Earl, "If you don't vote, don't bitch."
15. Linux, in all twenty flavors in which it is available, is every bit as good an operating system as Windows or OS X. If it is too difficult for you to figure out how to make it work, or if you think that "Free" means "Substandard", then please refer to the "pretty box" activity way back up in item four. Bill Gates made his wealth by catering to morons such as yourself, and the resultant decrease in the world's IQ is a direct result. If you can't understand something as simple as an occasional command-line interface, then you are part of the fucking problem. Go buy Vista, and then bitch about it somewhere else.
16. In response to "r©ain", who said, "I actually think the internet has had no effect on language..." I say this: "Your argument is well-stated. In the past, it took time to compose and write even the simplest message. And now, with just a few keystrokes, any random thought may be transmitted to the entire world. The internet has, in fact, not had an impact on the language that makes up that message."
"However, the internet has made it possible for even the most obscure information to be readily available to anyone with the desire to look for it. Online dictionaries and encyclopedias can be found with no effort at all. The fact that so many examples of butchered language are posted on so many sites is just an example of the "Lazing of America." People who are anxious to have their viewpoints heard make little or no effort to make certain they have said their piece in a way that is understandable."
"They are the ones who are being lazy and ignorant. They are the ones who seem to scream the loudest. They are the ones who are taking what was once a proud, beautiful language, and turning it into an Ebonics-style form of lazy-speak. They are the ones who have no desire to embrace, or even understand, their own culture, heritage, or language. They are the ones who perpetuate the image of the dumb, lazy American. And because they scream the loudest, then nobody has a choice other than to look and see what they are screaming about. And since a lot of them try to use big words so nobody will suspect they are total mush-brains, then the whole world gets to see what appears to be correct grammar and spelling. And since the 'correct' word or phrase has been forced down their throats, they all regurgitate the same thing on the rest of us."
"They are the ones who need to shut the fuck up and quit making us all look as ignorant, lazy, and stupid as they allow themselves to be."
17. A lot. There is NO fucking such thing as "alot." And "allot" is not the same thing. It's a homonym thing. You wouldn't understand.
Use your god damned spell checker, asshole. Or do the pretty box thing.
18. I meant it about the all-caps thing. It doesn't make you or your little messages look any more important. It makes you look retarded. It also bypasses your spell-checker, unless your brain cell was working overtime and somehow made you change that option. But I'm guessing that if you want to yell when you type, then you don't give a tin shit about yelling something that is spelled correctly. I'll bet you are from Indiana.
19. Smileys are useful in some situations. They help identify sarcasm, they convey light-hearted intent to a possible hostile reply, they even can say, "I'm just being an idiot. Ignore me."
But I have two problems with smileys:
First, stick to the two or three most common ones. The 'smile', the 'tongue sticking out', and the 'wink'. We all get those, so feel free to decorate your otherwise dull, lifeless rantings with an occasional brief bit of character. But for fuck's sake, don't use these fifty-character strings of numbers and letters and symbols that are somehow supposed to represent a naked woman getting her lacrosse gear out of a 1968 Plymouth Cuda. My neck hurts after tilting to the side for so long.
Second, a lot of sites now convert a nice, simple, text smiley into a bright yellow animated face that spits, kisses, pukes, or even gets stoned. Knock that shit off, I'm trying to read. And when half of your fucking post is dancing around like some satanic 7-UP dot on crack, it makes it a little hard to concentrate.
Smileys are like Viagra. Use one every once in a while, and you'll get your point across. Use too many, and you're a fucking idiot.
20. Supposedly.
Oh, yeah.
We're going to go THERE.
The word is spelled, "s-u-p-p-o-s-e-D-l-y" although the D is capitalized only to make certain that you see that it is a D, and not a B.
Did you get that? There is a D in supposedly. One D.
And do you know how many times the letter B is in the word?
Think about it.
Not one fucking time. Zero. None.
If you write, or say, the word, "supposedly" and you make a "buh" sound, then I will tell Dane Cook that you like Sour Apple Jolly Ranchers, and he will stab you in the throat.
Literally.
And that brings us to...
21. Literally. If you say that something "literally" happened, and you mean (even if you don't know it) that it "figuratively" happened, then I will hire my neighbor to change your credit score to a number that you can find on the thermostat on your oven. And he'll do it, too.
This is how to use the word "literally":
I went out to the shed, and my neighbor's little fucking rat-dog started barking at me. My neighbor came out and literally called her dog's name twenty times.
"Literally" means "actually" or "honestly" or "exactly." This means that what came from my neighbor's yard sounded like this: "Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark Mitzi! bark bark bark Mitzi! bark bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark Mitzi! bark bark bark Mitzi! bark bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark Mitzi! bark Mitzi! bark bark bark Mitzi! bark bark Mitzi! bark bark bark bark bark bark Mitzi!"
Do you see how that works? "She literally called her dog's name twenty times" means that she actually was stupid enough to call her dog twenty times before figuring out that it wasn't working.
Twenty. Literally. Not seven, not twelve, but twenty.
So when you tell me that you went to see the Blue Man Group, and that you "laughed so hard I literally split my side," then either show me the scar, or I will literally split your side.
22. (Thanks to Carol for pointing this one out.) Jewelry. This is one of those words that ranks up there with "supposedly." People just aren't happy unless they fuck it up.
Joory. I'm wearing my dead grandmother's joory.
"Dis joory be da blang what Snoop be wearin on Weeds when he be talkin bout da milf weed an sheet, aye-eet?"
Who is that anorexic stick-figure bikini-clad singer equivalent of a backstreet boy? I can't remember her name. It's on the tip of my tongue... Oh, yeah, that's right. Jewel.
How the hell do you get "Jool" from that? I know, the same way you get "joory" from "jewelry." Read number sixteen again. It's Lazy-Speak. Say her name right, say the word right, or stick a sock in your mouth.
As the Budweiser lizard said to the weasel, "Enunciate!"
Stupid weasels.
23. "That cup has fifteen times less poison in it than this cup, so I can clearly not choose the cup in front of me."
I don't even understand the concept of "times less", but it seems as though everyone, even those pinheads at CNN, use this one all the time. Hell, even the narrator on Nova uses it.
"...but here on the savannah, there has been three times less rain than in previous years. And now, sadly, there can be but one outcome for the nekkibareboobie tribe..."
Somebody please explain this to me. Three times less rain. Transistors that are a million times smaller than a buick. Five times less calories than regular lard. I just don't get it.
Last August, we had thirteen inches of rain. This August, according to the 'tard on channel three, we had "nearly four times less rain than last August."
Let's figure this out.
We had thirteen inches. Now we've had four times less than that. So... thirteen times four is fifty two. This year we had fifty-two inches less rain than we had last year. So, thirteen minus fifty two is negative thirty nine.
We had, according to channel three, negative thirty-nine inches of rain. By my math, that means the river just 'whooshed' up into the clouds at least seventeen times in August this year.
I think, and this is just a guess, that we had about three and a half inches of rain this August. That means we had "nearly one-fourth as much rain", not "four times less".
Am I the only one who notices the difference?
24. The hardest part about speaking, spelling and writing at higher than a second-grade level is this: If everybody else is doing it this way, then it must be right!
Case in point: George W. Bush can't say nuclear. He says, "Noo-cue-lir." And if the president of America says "Noo-cue-lir," then you bet your ass that the rest of the country will say it that way as well! Fortunately, it appears to be limited to America, the rest of the world has figured out how to say an English word. And, Stephen Colbert even pointed this out way back when he was still on "The Daily Show," back when he was still funny.
But when it comes to the word, "through," nobody is ever going to get it right, because every single street sign in the country has it wrong: "thru".
Thru traffic keep left. No thru trucks. Jimmy thru the ball at his sister. (OK, the last one isn't on a street sign.)
What the fuck is "thru"?
Look -- I'm the first to admit that there are some pretty fucked-up spellings in our language. But holy shit! This is stuff that they taught in high school!
It makes me wonder when I hear that only about thirty percent of the kids who graduate can read or write at a sixth grade level. I don't think it's that high!
It also seems that about half of THOSE people forgot everything they learned in school.
And of the remaining six high-school graduates, five of them don't have the skills required to be the night manager of the french fry machine at the drive thru window.
It makes me sick.
25. None.
This was a difficult decision for me, because I can almost see how people get it wrong.
However, see if you can tell which usage is correct:
a) None of the burritos is made the way I asked.
b) None of the burritos are made the way I asked.
c) The dude at the drive-thru window must be stoned, too, cuz he totally screwed up the entire order.
Are you ready for the answer?
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